Univision’s Nastassja Bolívar is Proof that You Can be Beautiful and Read Books, Consult Dictionaries

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Nastassja Bolivar, the winner of Univision’s Nuestra Belleza Latina 2011 contest is proof that no matter how statuesque you are, there is always time for literature and language learning.

Throughout the competition, Bolivar had to grapple with a huge obstacle: Her lack of fluency in Spanish.

But she is doing something about it, holding books and dictionaries wherever she goes.

Watch her pose for the cameras while holding what looks to be The RAE Dictionary.

Congratulations, Nastassja! As your new employer would say: Es el momento

Arnie’s Mistress Not Really into Hispanic People

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With all the talk about the gazillions of dollars The Governator (aka as The Fornicator) will have to pay for his imminent divorce, few people have paid attention on yet a more interesting debate going on behind the scenes of this Hispanic-Austrian-Californian telenovela (Californication?)

Turns out Arnold’s mistress Mildred Baena does not really like Hispanics.

In fact, she apparently goes around telling people that white people are better, and –judging from this undated picture– she thinks Santa Claus rules and the Reyes Magos suck.

Say what you will about Mrs. Baena, but at least she is consistent with her preferences. What better way to show you really, really hate U.S. Hispanics (i.e. yourself) than sleeping with Arnold Schwarzenegger?

That’s one consistent self-hating Latina!

Heineken Helps Mexicans Reunite with Old Friends in Tarrytown, NY

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Tarrytown is not a place that immediately springs to mind as a Latino hotbed. But I was pleasantly surprised this weekend to find out the U.S. population has exploded in and around Westchester County.

Of course, most Latinos are still doing the gardening, cooking, cleaning and the like, but heck! you gotta start somewhere. At least, Mexicans can now get re-acquainted with two old friends from back home, Chela & Helodia, which I can safely say are mostly recognizable only among my people.

Cristina Saralegui Thanks Don Johnson for the Opportunity to Work at Telemundo: LOL

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OK this is one of those situations in which you had to be there to enjoy the moment… Fortunately for you, readers, I was there, when Cristina Saralegui took to the state at the Telemundo upfront this week in Manhattan to bitch about Univision for quite some time and then profusely thank Don Johnson for giving her the opportunity to host a new show on Telemundo.

“The tiny terror is back,” Cristina told a crowd of 1,200 at the American Museum of Natural History in New York City Tuesday night. “Thank you, Don Johnson, for the opportunity.”

I want to believe Mrs. Saralegui meant to say Don Browne, as in the president of Telemundo… but who knows?

I’ll never be able to fully understand these Miami people.

U.S. to Visa Lottery Winners: ¡Lástima, Margarito!

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If you were among the 22,000 chosen people to receive a green card through the process known as the U.S. visa lottery, you’d better put that bottle of champagne down. Due to a “computer glitch,” the results of a green card visa lottery on May 1 have been ruled invalid.

According to the U.S. State Department, a computer error meant that 90% of the winners had been selected from the first two days of applications rather than from the whole 30-day registration period. In a brief statement, U.S. officials simply said:

“We sincerely regret any inconvenience or disappointment this problem might have caused.” 

Or, as Johnny Latino would have told his eternal game-show loser guest: ¡Láaaaastima, Margarito!

Cocaine, Tortilla Dough… Same Difference

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Does this look like cocaine to you?

Are you planning on wondering about the U.S. with a sack full of tortilla dough? Be ready to spend some days in the slammer.

Take Antonio Hernandez, 45, who last week was arrested and charged with possession of 91 pounds of cocaine after police officers -alerted by a narcotics dog- took him to the Buncombe County Jail in North Carolina. Per the local news:

“Deputies said Carranza appeared intoxicated, though he was later deemed sober by a Breathalyzer test. They said a narcotics dog alerted officers to check Carranza’s baggage, and multiple narcotics field tests determined that the substances were cocaine.”

Hernández actual cargo? Tortilla dough, cooking flour and shrimp.

Gee, officers? Can’t you tell the difference between one thing and the other? I’m going to have to get you passes for a free visit to your nearest Maseca plant. Stay tuned.

Gmail Wants me to Find Some Mexican Nalgas

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Sure, I correspond often with Mexican people and write tons of emails about Mexican stuff with my Mexican buddies, but I don’t think I have ever been in need of Mexican nalgas, as Gmail is so eager to help me find (click on the image above to amplify.)

I mean, I’m all up for targeted advertising, but this is just unacceptable… If Gmail really knew me, it should be start helping me find a good pair of French ones.

Gee!

Gaga Goes to Mexico. Hates U.S. Immigration Laws

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Say what you will about the Gaga Lady. She knows her politics.

During a recent news conference in Mexico City, where she is promoting her new album, the singer made sure to speak her mind about her country’s immigration laws, particularly Arizona’s SB1070.

“I don’t stand by many of those unjust immigration laws in my country,” Lady Gaga told the Mexican media at a fancy Mexico City hotel.

Alas, I’m not sure my people actually paid attention. The 29-year-old was saying all this clad in a see-through blue dress that barely covered her nipples and seated on top of a shiny hot rod motorcycle, which I’m sure made more than one person’s mind wonder about all sorts of things… and not necessarily immigration-related.