Latin-Celebrity Look-a-Like Sperm Now Available en Español!

javier_bardem.0.0.0x0.300x400.jpegTired of looking for the perfect guy?

Worry no more. If you are a single, desperate Spanish-dominant Latina in search of a good-lucking bundle of joy, now you can get your frozen sperm from a bank that specializes in celebrities look-a-likes. And that is not all: you can also run your entire search online en español!

Cryobank, the California-based sperm bank that specializes in “Look-a-like sperm” this week is launching Criobanco, which according to one top executive:

“Offers a wide array of Latin donors who look exactly like Latin celebrities, including Oscar De La Hoya, Javier Bardem, y Gael Garcia Bernal.

Enough said. I’m off to the bank.

A Hot Potato and Lots of Bulls Star in Mike Bloomberg’s Latest Hispanic Campaign Push

You gotta appreciate the efforts done by Michael Bloomberg, who wants to be re-elected, like, forever as mayor of New York City.

And in his relentless push to attract Spanish-language voters (and presumably Spanish people too) he is actually telling us that Nueva York es de “toros” y lo hacemos entre “toros”. (“New York belongs to bulls; and it’s being built by bulls.”)

And if that’s not Spanish enough… I don’t know what is!

Mario Lopez Has Written a Book. And It’s Got Something to Do with Tacos

tn-500_ml03If you thought Geraldo and Niurka were the only infamous Latin “luminaries” entering the world of Literature, think again. Our favorite Mexican-American not-out-of-the-closet-yet TV host Mario Lopez has found the time in his busy agenda to write a book. No shit.

Mud Tacos was written in both, English and Spanish, and it’s got something to do with Lopez and his little sister growing up in Chula Vista, CA making mud tacos. According to a press release:

“Mud Tacos!,” a picture book written by Lopez with his sister, Marissa Lopez-Wong, is a loving tale about their family and the nurturing bond between a brother and sister. The story follows Mario and Marissa and their cousins Chico and Rosie playing in their nana’s backyard and using their imagination to have fun”

In a recent interview with Momlogic, Lopez said he has a “few stories in the pipeline,” and he’s probably going to come up with another book real soon. [I wonder if it would be a sequel, for which this blogger would like to suggest a title: Dirt Enchiladas.]

CNN Poll: Non-Latinos Acknowledge Having Some Form of Contact With Latinos

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On the same week that CNN is giving us the much-a-do-about-nothing Latino in America, CNN/Opinion Research Corp. is releasing some shocking revelations about non-Latinos and the Latinos around them. According to the poll: “Two-thirds of those surveyed say they have at least some contact with Latinos where they live, work or shop. [Poll doesn’t clarify if we’re talking about their gardeners, busboys and maids or simply the people they hang out with to wear sombreros and drink lots of tequila.]

Sixty-six percent of people questioned in a CNN/Opinion Research Corp. survey released Wednesday say they have some or a lot of contact with Latinos. That’s up 15 points from 1990.

That said, nine in 10 surveyed also believe that Census workers should ask people whether they are in the country legally when they go door to door next April. Because you know, the “Latin thing” is cool, as long as it has to do with the officially acceptable group of Latinos, not the “other” kind if you know what I mean.

KFC Wants You to Know That Eating Junk Food is Better, Cheaper than Cooking at Home

Watch as a presumably-single, working Hispanic mom challenges her kids to cook a 7-piece meal with less than $10 and then -wisely- conclude they are all better off eating junk, Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Because, really, how else are you going to feed your increasingly fat Latino kids if not with a super cheap dose of fried food, soda and gravy-filled mash potatoes? [What ever happened to our tomatillo & cilantro-rich diet?]

I bet Dr. Manny is going to get a heart attack over this one.

Target Pulls ‘Illegal Immigrant’ Halloween Costume. You Can Still Dress as a ‘Mexican Muchacha’

panderobigAfter a very brief Brouhaha, and other retailers agreed to pull the Illegal Alien costumes they were selling online as part of their Halloween offer.

But don’t despair.

If you are still looking for a Hispanic-themed costume to impress your amigos this upcoming Día de Brujas, you can still get yourself a fake/imaginary/ typical Mexican girl costume from our friends at Halloween Costumes 4 you.

Your Latino friends -particularly those of Mexican origin- will be truly impressed. I guarantee it.

[Attention, shoppers: the tambourine is not included]

Survey Finds Mexicans Curse 20 Times Each Day…… I Say No Fucking Way!

j638r4¡¡¿Ah qué chingaderas son estas???!!

According to polling firm Consulta Mitofsky, Mexican adults curse an average of 20 times a day, serving up about 1.3 billion swear words daily.

The survey, reported this week by AP, also found that upper class citizens swear more than the poor, while people in the heavily Indian southern part of the country curse less than northerners.

Alas, the poll did not include data among the millions of Mexicans living on this side of the border. But I’m sure the rate is enormous among immigrants in Taos, New Mexico, Maricopa County and pretty much among those watching high doses of Bill O’Reilly, Lou Dobbs and Glenn Beck.

¡Have a nice weekend, cabrones!

‘Forbes’ Unveils Univision’s Secret to Future Success: Content from “Columbia”

75864-Joe_UvaI love it when the so-called mainstream media decides to care about Hispanic stuff -and nope, I’m not talking about the marketing extravaganza a.k.a. CNN’s Latino in America.

Here’s a Q&A by Forbes’ Lacey Rose with Univision Communications’ chief, Joe Uva, where we learn that not only there a lot of new “telenovellas” on the pipeline, but they are going to come from “Columbia,” which I think is simply great.

How often do we get Ivy League-quality content on Spanish-language TV?

(click on the text below to read the full interview)

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As of Today, Everybody Please Call me ‘Martin’

I couldn’t make this up even if I wanted to. Larry Whitten, a hotel owner in Taos, New Mexico fired a bunch of Hispanic employees because they refused to shorten or change their names. Why? apparently because Mr. Whitten is afraid he cannot pronounce them correctly.

So basically, if you’re Martínez, Mr. Whitten wants you to be Martin; if you’re Marcos, you might as well consider responding to the name of Marc… And if your name happens to be Guadalupe, Esperanza, Montserrat or Salvador, well… I think you’ll be better off just shooting yourself.

[All this is happening in a town called Taos, which now makes me wonder if in a pre-Whitten era it was actually called Tacos?]

Does anybody know?

Estefan, Longoria Ecstatic About National Latino Museum… We Just Need to Raise, Like $300 Million


Are you clueless about Latino culture?

Worry no more! The Nobel-prize-winning Obama administration this week got a little closer to the creation of a National Latino Museum in Washington.

Spearheaded by Spanish tortilla empresaria Eva Longoria (aka La prieta fea) and Emilio “Lord of Miami” Estefan, a dedicated commission is working in determining how this national museum would best serve in portraying the history and culture of Latinos in the U.S.

Exuding extreme pride -and apparently with a straight face- Estefan was quoted saying: “Today is definitely a proud day […] “This could never have happened 20 years ago. We’re going to create a legacy that will last forever.”

Which is, like, great, considering museum enthusiasts will have to raise somewhere between $250 million and $500 million for the thing. But hey, aren’t Latinos the trillion-dollar opportunity?

¡Sí, se puede! ¡Sí, se puede!

Is Your Kosher Elevator in Danger? Hire a Mexican!

ascensoristaYou might not know this (why would you?) but a controversy has been brewing among Orthodox Jews in New York City regarding the so-called Shabbos elevators: elevators fixed to stop on every floor from Friday evening until Saturday evening so that observant Jews do not have to press any buttons.

The problem? a group of prominent rabbis in Israel seeks to ban the use of Shabbos elevators. This, of course, represents a problem for many, “especially the elderly or infirm, and large Orthodox families living with babies or small children on upper floors of high-rise buildings.”

So this blogger has come up with a Solomonic solution: Hire a Mexican! we’ll gladly push the buttons for you, make some bucks in the process and nobody will have to go to hell.

See? and you thought I was not a wise Latina!

Boating Magazine Launches What I Believe is a Spanish-language Web Site

Picture 3I just love it when marketers get all excited about doing something to cater to the “ever-burgeoning” Hispanic population; even if its a magazine about people who love their boats.

Meet MarineroLoco, the presumably Spanish-language version of Mad Mariner, an online daily magazine that “takes an inclusive approach to boating, powerboats and sailboats, fishing and cruising, multi-hulls and mono-hulls.”

[Multi-hulls and mono-hulls in Spanish? Why didn’t I think of that before?]

Take a stroll around the site. You will NOT find anything about Cuban balseros or Mexican polleros across the Rio Grande, but you are likely to bump into some of the most fascinating translations and words in Spanish you didn’t even know existed!

It’s so good that even the ads are reinventing the language: Remplaze. Actualize. Ahore en grande. Ahore Ahora…?

Obamas to Host ‘Fiesta Latina’ [Didn’t Invite Me]

obama-sombreroNo job? No health care? No immigration reform? No problema!

The president wants you to know he cares about Latinos, so tonight he will be hosting a special event honoring Spain and Hispanics. Why not?

Dubbed -what else?- Fiesta Latina, the event will feature performances by -who else?- Marc Anthony, Gloria Estefan and George Lopez, because those are the only three Latinos we should really care about: they all have jobs, a health-care plan and more importantly an American citizenship.

Happy Heritage Month suckers hermanos!