Want to sell stuff in Mexico? Reach out to Jesus Christ.

That is exactly what computer retailer Compumac did to pitch its MacMerchandise in Queretaro, one of Mexico’s most pious cities: an image of Jesus wearing the ubiquitous white earphones begs: “Father forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing,” presumably referring to those buying non-authorized stuff. “Buy your iPod from an authorized retailer.”

Is there anything sacred? … Jesus!

(photo: Reforma.com)

Here’s a good one. Macy’s department this week said it will no longer sell a T-shirt that turned out to offend the same people it was intended to please: Latino shoppers.

Such offending T-shirt, which sold for $24.95, reads “Brown is the New White,” which was deemed just too much for Latinos to take. In a statement, the company did not mention such an item by its name but said “We apologize if customers have found some of the merchandise offensive and have removed the style that they found objectionable.”

Macy’s may have pulled the “objectionable” T-Shirt but the controversy goes on at a dedicated FoxNews blog with Latinos seriously divided over the issue: while some are calling on a general Macy’s boycott, others claim the T-Shirt is actually pretty cool (and don’t get them started on Black Power-labeled clothing.)

As for myself, I’m still stunned… $24.95 for a crummy Made-in-El Salvador T-Shirt? you gotta be kidding me!

You know how smelly children can get –especially if they are Hispanic. But thankfully there are marketers out there who never stop working to bring us the best of their market research translated into products we didn’t know we needed so bad.

So now, and after what seems to be yet another research breakthrough, Disney is launching Pirates of the Caribbean and Buzz Lightyear fragrances, targeting –who else?– Latino boys ages 4-11.

According to Brandweek, the new Disney fragrances will retail between $9.95 and $19.95 and will hit the shelves by September (mmm, just in time for Hispanic Heritage Month). And as it happens so often with these product launches, they are expected to fill an untapped market with “huge potential.” Or, as a Disney executive herself put it: “U.S. males are slower to get into the men’s fragrance arena than European, Latin [sic] and South American men.”

I don’t know about you, but I still remember the smell of my male companions in my Mexico City elementary school: a delicious blend of chalk, pencils, sweat and Pan Bimbo sandwiches. I am not sure my childhood memories would be as strong had they worn a Disney fragrance.

I never thought I would ever be thankful to a market research firm, but this time I am … truly. So, thank you, E-Poll Market Research for giving curvy Latinas in our late (very late) 30s something to live for.

According to research released this week by the Encino, Calif.-based polling firm, Hollywood’s 15 sexiest celebrities are all curvy (very curvy) and over 36.

And, perhaps not surprisingly, topping the list is 40-year-old pregnant Mexican beauty Salma Hayek. (Truth be told, the average age was severely loaded given the fact that Raquel Welch was also among the top 15).

The polling company provides so-called “appeal rankings” for more than 3,000 celebrities (both men and women), and the results showed 65% of the U.S. population would use the term “sexy” to describe Salma, beating out Beyonce, Pamela Anderson, Hally Berry and other not-so-young beauties.

See? Maybe we’ll never be able to beat Brazil or Argentina in a soccer competition, but when it comes to beating anorexic white celebrities, Mexicans are a class of their own. And don’t get me started on the multimillionaires (Slim vs. Gates).

¡Sí se puede! ¡Sí se puede!

Procter & Gamble has a big problem in Mexico: poor people and their insistence on buying things in small packets and in little tienditas –those small stores that refuse to disappear despite Wal-Mart’s best efforts.

An article in today’s Wall Street Journal tells us the story of Martina Perez, who makes 120 pesos a day ($11) sewing by hand, and who instead of buying a full-size bottle of Head & Shoulders shampoo, settles for a 0.34 ounce single-use packet which cost about 19 cents. (What is it with poor people and their shopping habits?)

But worry no more. According to the article, P&G has an army of marketing experts and researches who have spent the last 6 years working on how to deal with the popularity of over 600,000 tienditas, or as P&G likes to refer to them: “high-frequency stores.”

The result is a series of amusing marketing techniques that the consumer products giant is employing to stay ahead of the curve and convert elusive store owners:

– Lobbying for better shelf space: company personnel regularly visit the tienditas and offer to tidy the shelves

– The launch of specialized business magazine Tu negocio (Your business) targeting store owners (will they also teach them how to read? I wonder)

– Offer them management tips, such as how to calculate their profit margins

– Employ “reverse engineering” techniques: rather than create an item and then assign a price to it, P&G first consumers what consumers can afford and my personal favorite:

– Populate the ceilings: following a technique that P&G says has been a tremendous success in Asia, the idea is to have the most hanging products from the ceilings. Dangling items, “research shows” can catch shoppers attention more than products sitting on the shelves. “The ceiling is still a virgin location,” said a P&G executive.