How to Use Your iPhone to Act Like a ‘Real’ Mexican

It is truly remarkable what you can do with your iPhone these days.

In addition to checking in cool restaurants, listen to world radio and kill stupid piggies with flying angry birds, you can now pretend to be a “real mariachi” (whatever that means) and stomp cucarachas while a lovely song -which else? La Cucaracha– plays in the background.

Mariachi Hero is for real and it costs 1.99 on iTunes.

Here’s Why I Won’t Take Part in a Beauty Pageant

I always knew there had to be a strong reason for me not to participate in a beauty pageant. And here’s why: These people are brutal. So much so, they have stripped Domonique Ramirez, 17, of her Miss San Antonio beauty queen title and handed off the tiara to another girl because, among other violations…

Ramirez reportedly got too fat from eating tacos, adding an inch or two to her figure…

That is, like, not fair.

I think pageant organizers should just tweak the name of her crown a little, and simply call her “Miss Carnitas.” That way I’m sure she’ll attract some big Hispanic marketers including KFC, Old El Paso or even El Pueblano.

If all of this fails, we’ll just have to send Domonique to join the Mexico City police force.

What Took Them so Long? Ubisoft Preps Summer Launch of ‘Call of Juárez: The Cartel’

What do you do upon learning that more than 6,000 people have died in drug-related violence en Ciudad Juárez in only one year?

If you are MAC-Rodarte, you launch a line up of make-up. And if you are a U.S.-based videogame developer you launch a game.

That is exactly what Ubisoft Entertainment will be doing this summer, when it is set to release Call of Juarez: The Cartel, an “exciting” adventure that engages users to:

“Embark on a bloody road trip from Los Angeles to Juárez, Mexico […] immersing yourself in a gritty plot with interesting characters and a wide variety of game play options.”

Yeah, that sounds like fun… morons!

Gaddafi Wants you to Know He is NOT in Venezuela

Don’t believe everything you read on Twitter or Facebook. Lybia’s dictator Muammar Gaddafi went on national television to dispel rumors that he had fled to friendly Venezuela.

“I am here to show that I am in Tripoli and not in Venezuela,” he said.

@ChavezCandanga, for his part, was not available for comment and as a matter of fact has been gone from Twitter since February 19.

The ‘NY Times’ Discovers Latinas ‘Pechonalidad’

Better late than never.

The New York Times today informs the world about one little secret many of us have known for, like, centuries: That Latinas equate big breasts with a strong personality. As a 27-year-old Dominican patient of a plastic surgeon in Washington Heights told the newspaper:

“My personality doesn’t go with small breasts,” she added. Using the words “pecho” and “personalidad” — Spanish for “breast” and “personality” — she coined a term that could serve as Dr. Yager’s motto: “Now, I’m a person with a lot of ‘pechonalidad!’ ”

This blogger thinks the story is sublime, and should be considered for this year’s Pulitzer Prize awards, except the Times makes one important mistake:

“[…]Immigrants can locate surgeons able to recreate the cleavage of Thalía, the Mexican singer.”

Thalia???!! You gotta be kidding me. If this blogger were to go for a “Latin cleavage,” there’s no way I’d go for the Thalia type. I would plunk down my entire savings -and 401K- accounts to get the Sofía Vergara-look, or at the very least, the Bárbara Bermudo one. Of course, I would have to say good-bye to Sunday mass.

Source: Plastic Surgery Among Ethnic Groups Mirrors Beauty Ideals –

Carlos Fuentes Thinks Sarkozy Is a Banana-Republic Dictator [And NOT Because of This Photo]

I never thought I’d live to see the day in which a fellow Mexican would label the president of a European nation a Banana-Republic Dictator.

But that is exactly what Mexican writer Carlos Fuentes has called Nicolas Sarkozy for his handling of the Florence Cassez case, which “is nothing but a political maneuver to boost his popularity.”

I don’t know you, but after reading such a thing, I could only say one thing: Juay de agresion?

Chipotle Grill Under Scrutiny by ICE: Now Who’s Going to Roll my Burritos?

Burrito-loving Americans should be up in arms: Chipotle Mexican Grill, which owns and operates nearly 1,100 outlets across the U.S., has been forced to let go of hundreds of workers amid an immigration probe that has spread to other states. According to the Wall Street Journal:

“Hundreds of workers were dismissed in Minnesota, where Chipotle has about 50 restaurants and employs about 1,200 people, after the company received notices of ‘suspect documents’ for them from ICE.”

I don’t know you but I fear for the “integrity” of my meal. If not a Mexican, who is going to be rolling my burritos from now on? a Puerto Rican? a Texan? No, señor!

A Portable Translator that Will Seduce Your Valentine Into Opening Her Legs, Ahem, Heart

You gotta love Spanish-language media. Not only you get to read stuff in your own language, but you are exposed to some marketing gems like this one found on today’s El Diario la Prensa, pitching the PartnerES900: A translation machine that will make your sweetheart “go into ecstasy” and have her open her … heart. (Click to enlarge.. the photo, just the photo.)

Here’s a taste of the precious text for the monolingual crowd:

“Give your partner the hottest -and most powerful- present ever: The English/Spanish translator Partner ES900. Her satisfaction will be immediate. Your partner will open, even more, the doors of her heart -and her life- when she sees the power that you have in your hands.”

Hat tip: José Simián

U.S. Hispanics Brace for the Ominous Advent of Laura… [And it’s not Me]

U.S. Hispanics, rejoice: Starting today (Feb. 7) Laura Bozzo’s Laura talk show will launch on the TeleFutura network.

Bozzo has been torturing entertaining Latin American families for years, first in her native Peru (where not even a three-year house arrest took her show off the airwaves) and then on Mexico’s TV Azteca, with Laura de Todos. But this time, la señorita Laura is coming to the U.S. courtesy of Grupo Televisa, Univision’s partner and programming supplier.

The new show, which in Mexico is called Laura de México promises U.S. Hispanics a showcase of “real-world” family situations and, hopefully, some more avenging fights and coming out dramas exposing -and embarrassing- Latin America’s minimally-educated, lower classes like the one shown below.

Aren’t you glad television is embracing diversity?

Do you Love Metal and Mariachi? Meet Metalachi

When it comes to world music fusions, there are only a very few things that get my attention. Metalachi is one of them. Simply put: Metalachi is a heavy metal mariachi band hailing from -where else?- Los Angeles. The band, which according to their Web site originated in a Super Ocho motor lodge in Veracruz, Mexico, features covers of Judas Priest, Metallica and Iron Maiden, with a touch of trompeta, violín and guitarrón.

Here is Ozzy Osbourne’s Crazy Train… well, sort of:

Greg Creed Stands by His ‘Beef’…Even in Spanish

Taco Bell’s president Greg Creed did not want to miss the opportunity to include U.S. Hispanics in his staunch defense of his restaurant’s “beef.” But instead of embarrassing himself pretending to speak Spanish like some people we know, he took the safe road of subtitles.

Watch him stand by his “beef,” which contains a delicious mixture of beef, water (to keep it “moist and juicy,) seasoning, salt, chilli, pepper, onion, powder, oats, lecithin, sugar, spices, Maltodextrin, autolyzed yeast extract, citric acid, caramel color, Silicone dioxide, yeast, salt, sodium phosphates and modified corn starch. Yeah, just like the one your abuela prepares at home.

Maltodextring AND silicone dioxide???!!!  That’s gotta be good!

David Bisbal Tweets His Way to Public Shame

Poor David Bisbal. Not even in his wildest dreams could he have imagined an innocent tweet would turn him quickly into the laughing stock of the World Wide Web. The Spanish singer this week took to Twitter to lament the uprising in Egypt, declaring:

“Egypt’s pyramids have never looked so desolated. Hopefully, this revolt will end soon.”

It only took about few minutes for Bisbal followers – and eventually everybody else – to make fun of his “profound reflection” on the political crisis in Egypt, prompting the “Turismo Bisbal” trending topic and sending one after another message mocking his remark. “I am changing channels on my TV but cannot find Panama’s,” read one. “I just saw the Sistine Chapel. For a ninja turtle, Michelangelo was not a bad painter,” read another one.

The public ridicule was such that the singer quickly deleted his post. Alas, it was already too late.

This story first appeared on

I Would Like to Thank Mr. James May for Putting Speedy González on Twitter Map

I was just about to turn the page on the whole Top Gear brouhaha, when I bumped into James May on Twitter. Fake or real, he seems to be all upset and shit because Mexicans keep complaining.

I am not going to get into the whole “how-to-tell-the Brits-they-have-no-right-to-talk-about-shit-food” thing… Basically, I’d just like to encourage him (or whoever it is posing as him) to continue his Mexican-themed tweets. I can’t wait to see #speedygonzalez as trending topic.