Month: July 2008

10 Things to Avoid to Stay Salmonella-Free

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Now that the U.S. government says it found the real source of salmonella (yes, again), this time in Mexican Serrano peppers, I decided to compile a list of extremely dangerous Mexican things you’d better stay away from if you seriously care for your life health.

In addition to tomatoes, jalapeños, avocados and chiles serranos, Please stay away from the following:

–Tacos *

–Cancún

–Sombreros

–Piñatas

–Wrestling matches

–Your abuela

—Chocomiles

–Chaparritas El Naranjo

–Pulparindos and Pelón Pelo Ricos

–Christian Castro concerts (It hasn’t yet been proven if these can give you salmonella, but they will certainly make you sick.)

*Taco Bell is OK (These are not real Mexican tacos and, according to the Mayor of Oklahoma City, they can even help you lose wait. The same applies to other fake Mexican things, including McSkillet burritos, Bud Micheladas, salsa picante Chi-chis, Chipotle wraps, etc.)

Would Immigrants Kindly Get the Hell Out of Here?

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Say adieu to mean anti-immigration rhetoric.

U.S. government officials are ready to implement “Operation Scheduled Departure,” a program set to debut August 5 that will allow illegal immigrants to turn themselves in for deportation without the threat of going to jail. Or, as home security official Julie Myers told the Univision network:

“The program would permit those who want to self-deport to do so in an organized manner.”

Organized? mmmm I guess this means immigrants will be given plenty of time to close their bank accounts, collect their 401Ks and social security checks, undergo a thorough medical check-up, cancel their gym membership and even going on a last-minute shopping spree.

Aren’t immigration officials a sweet bunch?

Oklahoma City Rewards Dieters With Bad Food

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Call me crazy, but I think something is very wrong with the Mayor of Oklahoma City.

In an effort to reward citizens who lose weight under the city’s OKC Million massive diet plan, the Mayor is offering dieters a free Taco Bell Fresco taco (whatever that is -and hopefully not the one pictured above.)

“Oklahoma City residents who have combined to lose more than 100,000 pounds are getting a reward… Taco Bell is giving away free tacos from its Fresco Menu on Tuesday,” according to Reuters.

Not believing my eyes, I rushed to Oklahoma City’s OKC Million Web site to see if Reuters had somehow messed up. Alas, not only the story is accurate but both the diet program and its dedicated Web site are actually sponsored by Taco Bell.

Ay, Chihuahua!

And Now… a Culturally Relevant Padlock!

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Hispanic marketing is a wonderful thing.

Wordlock(R) Inc., a company you’ve never heard of, this week announced the launch of a “culturally relevant” lock; one that embraces “cultural diversity” by introducing the industry’s first combination Spanish-language padlock.

Instead of using ABCDEF etc., the new combination uses … mmm ABCDEF (pronounce these with a Spanish accent), simply because Hispanics have a tremendous purchasing power and therefore we must cater to them! Here’s the the pitch in their own words:

“The locker combinations include four- or five- letter words that can reflect personal interests such as: D-U-L-C-E, V-I-D-A, and friends’ names like L-U-I-S-A.”

And that is because Luisa, in English, is so very different from Luisa in Spanish. See? You gotta understand the difference. Otherwise, you’re just an insensitive, narrow-minded marketer.

Shame on you!

Chávez Goes to Spain; Gets Royal Gift

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Well, I guess it’s all water under the bridge now. Not only the King of Spain this week received Hugo Chávez at the Royal Family’s summer retreat in Mallorca, but he was witty enough to give him a “¿Por qué no te callas?” T-Shirt.

“We caused a furor with that event. [the T-shirt] is a good souvenir, to laugh at for the rest of our lives every time we see it,” Chávez said.

Isn’t politics just great?

Move Over Margarita. Here’s a Real Latin ‘Abogado’

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Tired of those 1-888-Margarita ads on Spanish-language TV pitching Trolman, Laser & Glitman, defenders of us, defenseless Latinos?

Meet the new abogado in town. Sacha Baron Cohen (left) who brought us Ali G and Borat, will produce and star in the upcoming film Accidentes.

“The protagonist will be a lawyer of Latin descent who transforms from contingency attorney to hero of the working class when he helps an immigrant win a judgment against his wealthy employer after a landscaping mishap. He also becomes the enemy of L.A.’s power elite,” says Variety.

The pic is sure to be hilarious. Not only because Mr. Baron Cohen is going to co-write, but because –just like Obama’s sister– he looks like one of us.

Oh, No! Mexicans Kidnap Ronald McDonald

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Remember the high-profile theft of Edvard Munch’s The Scream?

Well, that is NOTHING compared to what’s going on right now in Piedras Negras, Coahuila, where Ronald McDonald has gone “missing.” And, judging from this newspaper ad, we’re not talking theft here, but kidnapping.

I have no idea where Ronnie is, nor what the kidnappers have in mind. But even if I did, MD will have to do better than this: Free Happy Meals on Sundays? Give me a break.

Photo: Hazme el Chingado Favor

This Guy Wants to Soak His Nose in your Fishbowl

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Here’s how Juan Luis Guerra summed up his frustration about gringos not understanding his “socially conscious lyrics.”

“I’d love to be more skilled in English, to get songs like ‘Ojalá que Llueva Café’ into English,” Mr. Guerra this week told The New York Times.

So… The New York Times, being The New York Times, volunteered the direct translation of some of Guerra’s most famous melodies, including the not-so-socially-conscious Burbujas de Amor:

I’d like to be a fish
So I could soak my nose in your fishbowl
And make bubbles of love everywhere

Why didn’t I think of that before? Here are, thus, a few verses of some of my favorite songs (in English, of course, for the monolingual crowd)

1. The múcura is on the floor, mother I cannot deal with it!

2. I have neither a throne nor a queen, but I am still the King

3. Where will it go, fast and tired, the swallow that is now leaving this place?

4. That mole that you have, little sky of mine, next to the mouth…don’t give it to anyone because it’s mine

5. Say yes to everybody, but don’t tell them when… That is what you told me, and that is why I live in grief

I am offering five pesos (payable in 2010) to those of you who can guess the titles of the songs above.

Anyone?

We Will Support Obama ‘Cause His Sister Looks Latina

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Forget about political views or the so-called growing clout of the Hispanic electorate. The main reason we (Latinos) will support Barack Obama in the upcoming presidential election is… well, simply because his sister, Maya Soetoro-Ng, looks like a Latina. (Never mind the fact that we will never be able to pronounce her name.)

Speaking to The New York Times, Cuauhtémoc Figueroa, the director of Obama’s Latino vote effort, said he thinks Ms. Soetoro-Ng will be sort of a trumpcard in the Senator’s Latino outreach efforts:

“She speaks fluent Spanish, with a Dominican accent, and looks Latina,” Mr. Figueroa said.

Really? He doesn’t tell us, though, if she is fond of mondongo and bachata or if she likes to wear provocative tight jeans and very low cleavages.

Ay, ay, ay!

Marc Anthony is Very Scared to Go to Mexico

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So that is why the boricua singer will be escorted by a crew of “at least” 600 security guards when he performs at the Port of Veracruz this Saturday.

Come on. I’ve been to Veracruz several times and, other than having a shark come dangerously close to the shopping stalls at the malecón, I never felt I was in any danger. (Well maybe once, after devouring an irresistibly-spicy huachinango a la veracruzana.)

But then again, I am not ultra rich, nor do I look as if I had an eating disorder and therefore couldn’t defend myself. Let’s just hope Mr. J-Lo comes back in one piece.

Former Mrs. Bobbitt Tells Univision She’s Not Into Cutting Male Genitalia Anymore

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Fifteen years after being charged with “malicious wounding,” (i.e. cutting her husband’s penis with a 12-inch knife and throwing it into a field) former Mrs. Lorena Bobbitt (now Lorena Gallo) told Univision anchor Teresa Rodríguez about the hardships of starting all over again, and dealing with being the nation’s butt of the joke.

It seems that now -and unlike Mr. Jesse Jackson- Gallo is no longer interested in severing male genitalia. Instead, during Tuesday’s telecast of Aquí y Ahora, the new Lorena told Univision about the upcoming launch of Lorena’s Red Wagon, a non-profit foundation she founded to help women fight domestic violence… (by doing exactly what is not clear yet; we just hope it doesn’t involve knives.)

She also said she wants to do more than just giving people manicures and pedicures, so she is currently enrolled in school full time to become a professional hairdresser.

Mmmmm, would you trust this woman with scissors?

Female Bloggers of the World Undress!

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When it comes to labor possibilities for a female blogger like myself, the sky is the limit.

Today I submitted a request to participate in the first ever Sexy Blogger of the Year contest launched by Playboy magazine. The pitch is too tempting to refuse:

Who are the blogosphere’s sexiest women? We scanned the web for some of our favorite female bloggers from the worlds of finance, entertainment, tech and sex, and we want to know who your favorite is. Vote now and we’ll ask the most click-worthy candidate to pose for Playboy.com.

Oh… but wait a second. I just realized I am NOT on the list, so I guess my chances -unlike my entire physical structure- are slim. But, hey, you can always go there and vote me in! Like the New York lotto people say: You never know!