Month: April 2019

Hold on to your Sombreros: Cinco de Mayo 2019 Has Begun!

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I don’t care who you are. Don’t do this to your puppy 😦

No matter how many bizarre holidays Americans come up with, Cinco de Mayo will forever be my favorite. And not only because it’s an excuse to drink all day and yell ¡Viva México! while thinking it’s our celebration of Independence (it’s not) but because it is also the time of year that brings out the stupidest most creative marketing brains to sell Americans everything, from DIY printable fiesta kits and taquito shooters (whatever that is,) to senseless drink mixes, “ethnic food” and even life-size cardboard Mexicans as scene setters.

Etsy T-shirts, anyone?

Nacho de Mayo, because why not?

This time around, though, in honor of that amazing marketing tool known as Twitter, I’ve put together a few tweets making their way to my timeline. This has only begun, so, please help me by tweeting me your own personal horrors for 2019 Cinco de Mayo, preferably using the #CincoDeFallo hashtag and let the “Mexican” madness begin!

Constellation Brands

SAD!

Baja Ponchos

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Note: This post will be updated on a regular basis.

 

La Reina del Sur Is Back –and She’s One Badass Mexican

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Eight years after the debut of La Reina del Sur, Kate del Castillo (Teresa Mendoza) is back as a badass mexicana as La Reina del Sur Season 2 premieres April 22 on Telemundo.

La Reina del Sur Season 2 is set eight years after Mendoza disappeared into the U.S. Federal Witness Protection Program for bringing down a Mexican presidential candidate. Now, she is coming out of anonymity and is determined to reclaim her throne as the Queen of the South –while whacking a few bad hombres in the process.

The controversial Del Castillo became world famous not precisely because of La Reina del Sur but because of her secret meeting with Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman Loera and the now infamous Sean Penn journalistic brouhaha.

WATCH as this Mexican sorts out all kinds of shit in order to get ahead of her game.

Bush’s Beans ‘Cocina Latina’ Products are Making me Very Sad

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Cocina Latina. What the hell is ‘cocina latina?’

American corporations will stop at nothing when marketing “Latin-inspired” food to my always-hungry people (i.e. The Hispanics.) The most recent example of this is Bush’s Beans Comida Latina, which features a product line of prepared beans –and hominy– just like our grandma … didn’t actually make.

This doesn’t look neither promising, nor appetizing you know?

Via: Amazon.com

Delfín Quishpe Is the New Mayor of Guamote, Ecuador, because Latin America

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“Who knows the truth? Who did it, and why did they do it?” Quishpe asks in this hilarious song, and then goes on:

The whole planet was convulsed

My God, Help me

When I went to look for you, I believed what I was seeing.

The towers in flames, full of black smoke, and you in that place,

My God

JUST WATCH:

You Guys! Joe Biden Also Wants to be Our Tío

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Tío Joe seen here with this blogger’s favorite retro-acculturated Latina.

Joe Biden doesn’t want you to know this –yet– but he’s about to drop a Spanish-language ad to try to convince my people (i.e. The Hispanics) that he’s an awesome choice for a 2020 democratic president.

Details of the ad were leaked thanks to the very chismoso nature of said people (The Hispanics) who decided to ignore an NDA signed with the Biden campaign and posted behind-the-scenes photos on social media anyway.

Per Politico.com:

The Saturday film shoot was a hushed affair — paid local actors signed nondisclosure agreements promising not to discuss the job. But some posted images on social media of the Fort Lauderdale commercial anyway, prompting a flurry of emails warning of legal exposure and requesting that those involved delete any images of the shoot and not talk to the media about it.

But that’s not even the best part about this whole thing. According to the same report, a member of the cast (presumably a Spanish-dominant Latina) was finding it hard to pronounce Biden’s name, so the crew came up with a workaround by having her call the former Vice President simply as “Tío Joe,” because –at least according to Americans– Latinos are always in need of additional tío material to spice up our bautizos, bodas, quinceañeras, piñata parties, BBQs and the like.

Sorry, Tío Bernie, it looks like there will be a new tío in town!

Via: Político.com

How Do you Say ‘Star Wars’ en Español? … Well 👇🏾

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So, Star Wars Episode IX is officially here –and regardless what you think of its new title (Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, its presentation will go down in history thanks to the cutest Guatemalan in the room.

Watch as Oscar Isaac (Poe Dameron) responds to a question about how to say Star Wars in Spanish.

I don’t know about you, but I’m off to go get a cold shower.

Hat tip: Dave Itzkoff

Spanish 101 for English-Speaking People

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Americans: How can anyone not like them?

Challenged by some very unorthodox methods to teach English to Latinos (such as this one and this other one) Mexicans have come up with yet the most creative way to teach Spanish to English speaking people (i.e. mostly gringos.)

All you have to do is read the following sentences as if you were reading English.

Check it out. It’s easy, it’s revolutionary and… It’s FREE!

1. Boy As-N-R (Voy a cenar): I’m going to have dinner

2. N-L-C John (En el sillón): On the armchair

3. Be a Hope and Son (Viejo panzón): Fat old man

4. As Say Toon As (Aceitunas): Olives

5. The Head The Star Mall Less Stan Doe (Deje de estar molestando): Stop bugging me

6. Kit At Tell Loss War at Chess (Quítate los huaraches): Take off your sandals

7. Pass a Lass All Saw (Pasa la salsa): Pass the sauce

8. Be Goat Tess The Ran Chair-O (Bigotes de ranchero): Farmer’s mustache

9. Web Us Come Ham On (Huevos con jamón)

10. Does Stack Kit Toes The Car Neat As (Dos taquitos de carnitas): Two pork little tacos

Americans Insist on Wrapping Themselves in Tortilla Blankets

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Move over tortilla towel, here comes the tortilla blanket, the most recent addition to what I like to call Nonsense American Products (NAPS.)

The latest tortilla-themed thing is a microfiber blanket that can be yours for as little as $39.99!) The marketing pitch?

“Do you love Mexican food so much you want to reincarnate yourself as a giant burrito? […] With this giant tortilla blanket you can become a taco, quesadilla, tostada, enchilada, burrito, taquito or use your imagination.”

THE END IS NEAR, MY FRIENDS

Via: Amazon.com

Why Look like a Reguar Dude when you Can Look Like El Chapo Guzmán?

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Image via: The Guardian

Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán might be doomed to live in a prison cell forever, but that doesn’t mean we’ll be seeing lots of him everywhere. Or at least in the world of fashion.

Yes, my friends, el Chapo’s 29-year-old, Instagram-savvy wife Emma Coronel has officially launched El Chapo Guzman: JGL LLC, a brand new firm charged with designing clothes, shoes and accessories under the name –what else–  El Chapo Guzmán: JGL.

“This project is an idea Joaquin and I have had for a long time,” Coronel told the New York Daily News. “Before he was in the USA we talked a lot about this topic. Really, it’s both of our ideas.”

Well, isn’t that narco-romantic?

Via: CNET en Español

‘Texicanas’ to Chronicle the Lives of Lavish Latinas in San Antonio –for Some Reason

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Not content with torturing us with its Mexican Dynasties nonsense, Bravo TV has announced a new Mexican-inspired project: Texicanas, a sort of  Latino Desperate Real Housewives that will chronicle the drama of… lavish Latinas in San Antonio, Texas.

According to Bravo TV:

Texicanas follows Penny Ayarzagoitia and her sophisticated gal pals through la vida loca — and rica — in the Alamo City as they juggle family and fun. Most of the women grew up in Mexico before making San Antonio home.

Judging from the preview (below) these ladies speak Spanglish; drink lots of fancy cocktails, go to shooting ranges for fun and attend parties featuring papel picado, because Mexico!

Texicanas is set to premiere on May 7 and this blogger cannot wait to not watch it.

The Avocado Toast Sneakers are Here, Because Hipsters are Determined to Ruin Everything

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Not content with having ruined meals –and jacked up the price of avocados to ridiculous levels– American hipsters are at it again; this time with a plan to ruin footware as well.

Yes, my friends, according to multiple reports, the “Saucony Originals Shadow 6000 Avocado Toast sneakers” are here for a price I can only guess will be as high as an “avocado toast.”

I’m kind of busy right now, but I’ll be filing this under the #PinchesHipsters and #StupidPropositions categories… and then proceed to jump out the window.

Via: Footwear News