Cuquita & yours truly in “Little Italy,” the two words I couldn’t pronounce without my mother cracking up at my “sophisticated, unintelligible gringo accent.”
Thirteen years ago today, my mother, my best friend –and the funniest Mexican I’ve ever met– quietly passed away in a small hospital room in Mexico City.
While her (sudden and premature) death was the worst thing me and my siblings have had to endure, she left us the one thing no one will ever take away from us: A sense of humor that –she assured us– was the only way to go through life, no matter how tough the shit got going.
Cuquita told the dorkiest jokes and made the funniest remarks about being divorced, poor, underemployed, uneducated, hungover, drunk, uninsured, etc. etc. (“I have saved enough money to last me until the day I die … as long as I die tomorrow,” she used to say often –while cracking up….or “If I didn’t know this was a hangover… I’d rush to the nearest emergency room.” har har har.)
And then there’s my personal favorite. Once, during a heated discussion with us (her kids) giving her a hard time over something, she stops and yells at us: “DO YOU GUYS EVEN KNOW WHY I NEVER WENT TO HARVARD?” … Silence ensued, I mean, fuuuuuuck, we don’t know about that thing… Why? my sister asks almost embarrassed for not knowing.
“Because I didn’t finish elementary school! JA JA JA,” goes my mother….
Ok, you get the picture. I don’t exaggerate when I say Cuquita contributed to at least half all the Spanish slang and idiomatic expressions I used in Think Dirty Spanish. She would often call in the middle of the night with the great news that she had found –yet– another expression she’d love to see in the book. “¡Mosquita muerta!.. a ver ¿cómo dicen eso los gringos?”
She hated Walt Disney, but she wore the sweatshirt all the same, because… America!
We traveled the world together.
We went to shady tango joints in Buenos Aires; gigantic farmer markets in Los Angeles and colorful tavernas in Valparaíso, Chile. Once, on a trip between Santiago and Buenos Aires, right in the middle of the Andes, our plane had an engine failure and for a few, terrifying moments, we thought we would die right there. But then, as I hyperventilated and yelled in panic for a Valium or something, my mother started laughing out loud at our poor Argentine pilot, who was so distressed, he couldn’t even speak properly. Favor de no formor, he asked us, instead of Favor de no fumar.
BUAHAHAHAHAHA, my mom and I had a fit of hysterical, uncontrollable laughter.
Damn you, Cuquita! ¡Qué divertido era viajar juntas!
My favorite were her months-long visits to New York, when we’d roam the city in search of “real genuine stuff” to cook authentic Mexican things, but more often than not ended up in some fancy steakhouse drinking wine, cubas libres and eating meat like there was no tomorrow. (Oh, and did I mention the marathonic poker sessions?)
Cuquita spoke NO ENGLISH whatsoever, but none of that mattered, because in Nueva York, everyone knew her and spoke Spanish to her. My friends, my colleagues, my neighbors, the super, the bodega guy… todos.
To this day, no matter if I’m in CDMX or not, I know Cuquita will always have an altar in her home for Día de Muertos featuring some of her favorites: chocolates, pan de muerto, cigarettes and cubas libres (with flat Coke, which she seemed to favor –for some reason.) ¡Gracias, Catus!
I’m not sure where she is right now. But if there’s anything going on UP THERE, in the so-called afterlife, I’m sure she’s serving the cubas libres, setting up the poker table, telling the jokes –and having a blast.
They are festive, colorful and –more importantly– not contagious!
Are you on a tight budget for fancy avocados and still haven’t made any “ethnic-looking” friends?
Worry not!
You can now buy 5-feet-tall Mexican “scene setters,” ready to assemble and give your Super Bowl party a unique fiesta touch. It’s as easy as bashing a piñata! Besides, with the pandemic still in full swing, WHO NEEDS REAL PEOPLE AROUND, ANYWAY?
For only a few bucks, you can pretend to have real Mexicans at your birthday, bautizo, quinceañera, wedding, etc. These Insta-Mexicans are over 5 feet high; they won’t eat all the tamales, nor gulp all the beer or crash in your living room forever.
So, what are you waiting for? Go get your Instant Mexicans ahorita mismo!*
*I bet these are totally Made in China, but just pretend you didn’t read this note at all.
In the latest chapter of Bizarre Marketing Endorsements, Luis Miguel (aka El Sol de México) has partnered with Alignment HealthPlan in an effort to celebrate a “commitment to vitality and wellness at every age,” because, as President & CEO Dawn Maroney says:
Together, we’re not just changing how you experience health care; we’re celebrating you. Welcome to a new era of aging.
I don’t know about you, but this thing leaves me feeling like 100 years old, especially when the last LuisMi-endorsed commercial I remember is when this hottie used to look like this:
I don’t know much about Univeritas or it’s academic curriculum, but judging from its outdoor advertising, they’re not kidding when they say they’re going to transform people’s life.
Meet the Conchatrina, a special Day of the Dead-themed concha that mixes our beloved pan de muerto with the now world-famous Mexican skulls known as catrinas.
The chef’s name if Alfonso Domínguez and he runs a bakery in Tetelpa, Morelos, and I cannot wait to get there!
Photos via: Aristegui Online
Filing under Mexicans: How Can Anyone not Like us?
Silvia Macías of Mexico City had traveled to the Chipinque Park in the northern city of Monterrey to celebrate the 15th birthday of her son, Santiago, who has Down syndrome.
Soon after they sat down to eat the food they brought, the bear showed up and gulped down french fries, enchiladas, tacos and – of course- plenty of salsa.
I would have totally panicked -and not only for losing my enchiladas.
Here’s a video shot by Macias friend, Angela Chapa, that has since gone viral.
A bear jumped onto the picnic table of a family in Mexico. They were stunned and avoided eye contact to prevent any reaction that could trigger an attack pic.twitter.com/IoBApi9B1B
Move over, Kickin’ Chicken Taco Pringles, here come the calavera-themed sour cream & onion “Flavored con sabor” Pringles potato chips, especially crafted to bring out the mustachioed, calavera-clad Mexican (fake or not) in you.
I have no idea what these babies cost, but given their Mexican authentic look (i.e. mariachi suit and chip-themed sombrero) I bet they cost a fortune –as they should be!
“This action is the most recent step in the Justice Department’s effort to attack every aspect of the cartel’s operations,” Garland said, according to the AP.
So far so good, but it looks like New York City tabloid The New York Post seems to have “otros datos” as they are reporting that El Chapo’s son is – in fact – Andrés Manuel López Obrador (!) Or at least one can deduct that from the above photo caption.
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