According to Some ‘Bovine Writer,’ there are 14 Species of Latinas in the U.S. [Can you Guess Where I Belong?]

Chicaspotting: A Field Guide to Latinas of the United States
Chicaspotting: A Field Guide to Latinas of the United States

Some “writer” in the United States has written Chicaspotting: A Field Guide to Latinas of the United States, a $17.99 “book” that promises to help gringos “find and identify the right Latina to date, love or marry.”

I’m going to spare you the details of this thing, but let’s say in a nutshell that — according to this aptly-named Bovino fellow — there are 14 SPECIES of us (i.e. Latinas of the United States). Fourteen, people, fourteen. Among them:

  • SYMMETRICAL FORCE (Colombian American): Butt size varies, but breast implants are practically a rite of passage and she likes ‘em BIG.
  • TRIFECTA (Venezuelan American): Routinely causes an erection lasting more than 4 hours, but neediness, jealousy, and controlling behavior – a real “trifecta” of drama – occasionally spoil the mood.
  • TACO BELLE (Mexican American): Warm and cuddly as a teddy bear but (somewhat) shy around strangers, especially gringos.
  • TRANSFORMER (Cuban American): If her breasts are large enough to match her hips and butt, she can be a Latin Jessica Rabbit, but too much Cuban food or too many kids and she’ll transform into Rosie O’Donnell right before your eyes.

Mr. Bovino fails to identify this blogger, but I can assure him after I review this thing on Amazon, he’d like to call my species THE MEXICAN AMAZON RATINGS KILLER.

[SIGH]

Hat tip: The Flama

Brooklyn ‘Mexican’ Cantina Serves Mix of Stereotypes & Typos

Mad Dog & Beans, Brooklyn, NY
Mad Dog & Beans, Brooklyn, NY

Mad Dog & Beans, a new eatery in Brooklyn, has found inspiration in the Mexican Revolution to peddle upscale Mexican food to a local crowd. The eatery, first spotted by a non-Mexican colleague of mine, features on its door the image of a bandito holding a guitar, because even Mexican outlaws are a musical, cheerful bunch.

According to the restaurant’s website:

Mad Dog & Beans Mexican Cantina is a casual-upscale Mexican restaurant featuring a traditional Mexican menu. The theme is based on the Mexican Revolution. The decor features vintage black-and-white photos of banditos and scenes of Mexico printed on canvas and displayed throughout the restaurant. 

The menu, while not especially original, does feature some interesting spelling, including “molcajeta” and “pica de gallo.”

Now, that’s revolutionary!

menu

Photo and sombrero tip: J. Falcone

Target Corp. Missed Some Crucial Insights About Hispanics

Me_Hat_Tacos_etc
Some Hispanics (including myself, above pictured) do like to wear hats and funky dresses while cooking inedible stuff using the Guatemalan flag and a poster of a Flamenco dancer as background. Don’t ask.

In light of recent developments, (news that Target Corp.’s management gave bosses some very valuable information about Hispanics) this blogger decided to add a few items to an already stupid comprehensive list of how to go about Hispanic employees.

Target Corp.’s document, first published by Courthouse News Service, informed company managers that “Not all Hispanic employees eat tacos, dance to salsa or wear sombreros,” (ignore the above photograph for one second) or that Mexicans have lower education and “might be undocumented.” So far so good… But it missed some equally important, and worth-making points… So, let’s just get right to them, shall we?

1) Mexicans will always end a sentence with “ito” no matter how much they hate your guts and wish to kill you: i.e. “Con permisito;” “Por favorcito,” “Al ratito,” “Un momentito,” etc.

2) Argentines will go out of their way to convince you they are not Hispanic, which is OK because they really are not, and chances are they are not working at Target anyhow. They will always end up a sentence with “boludo.”

3) Cubans are not only political refuges and better educated –as your document accurately states. They are going to throw a fit every time they see the “other Latinos” wearing a Ché Guevara T-shirt or any other outfit reminiscent of the so-called Cuban revolution. More often than not, Cubans will side with the gringos; not with the Latin ‘chusma.’

4) Not all Mexicans are into tacos: Actually, most of us prefer tortas ahogadas, mondongo, pozole, pancita, machitos, moronga, criadillas, tlayudas, pambazos, etc. etc.

5) Puerto Ricans will probably pay zero attention to whatever you tell them: They are going to be busy listening to reggaetón and holding on to their pants.

6) No matter how hard you try, they (i.e. all Hispanics) just probably going to say “pinche gringo, ya no estés jodiendo” as soon as you turn your back to them. In your face, though, they will be super nice and just say: ¡Sí, señor, ahorita, ahorita lo hago! un momentito.

7) Ecuadoreans and Bolivians are very different but you should always treat them as if they were Peruvians just to piss them off.*

*Last addition by Alberto Ferreras

Harry Reid Really Cares About the Latino Vote; Uses Piñatas as Background to Prove it

CNN on Sunday Oct. 7 will premiere Latino in America: Courting their vote, a documentary on the Latino outreach efforts by Democrats and Republicans.

The promo features an interview with U.S. Senator Harry Reid, who goes on about how important the Latino vote is for the Democrats in Nevada, and yada-yada-yada. To prove it, the Senator poses among a bunch of sandías, melones and colorful piñatas, including one in the form of a huge Corona bottle at the local Cárdenas supermarket.

How sweet! He reminds me of Mitt and Conchita.

¡Ajúa!

Jessica Perez Says it All: “You Don’t Have to Have Big Boobs to be a Latina”

Thank you, Jessica Perez, thank you!!!!

Sports Illustrated stunning Costa Rican model Jessica Perez has a thing or two to teach you about the horrible stereotypes surrounding Latinas in the U.S. For example, that not all Latinas (like Jessica Pérez and myself) are dark-skinned and large-breasted.

Given the opportunities Ms. Perez has landed as a non-Latina-looking Latina, gives this blogger high hopes for her near future. Anyone care to put me on the cover of some magazine? (¿aunque sea People en Español?)