Univision CEO Joe Uva Leaves Post to ‘Be Able to Seek Other Opportunities,’ Namely Unemployment

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Univision CEO Joe Uva has left the company to “be able to seek other opportunities,” Univision announced today.

But what’s really weird is that they don’t want to tell me where the hell it is that he is going, and rumor has it that he might have gotten the boot. His last day is April 2.

I don’t know you guys but I feel a bit sorry for the guy. After all those years of tireless work and efforts, he didn’t even have time to master his Spanish… But he shouldn’t worry too much. Judging from his stellar appearance as a piragüero in one scene of the hit Brodway show In the Heights, I’m sure he’ll be able to find a gig in the barrio.

His specialty? Piraguas de Uva!

Buena suerte, Mr. Uva. I’ll look you up among my neighborhood’s piragüeros.

You, Too, Can Smuggle Your Own Immigrants!

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Move over, cucaracha-stomping Mariachi: The new onda app right now is Smuggle Truck, an iPhone and iPad app that allows you to drive a truck full of immigrants through the dessert and try not to have them tossed out in the process.

Smuggle Truck: Operation Immigration, developed by Owlchemy Labs in Boston, is set for release this month but it’s already raising the ire of immigration advocates who think the game trivializes the seriousness of the crossings.

Really? I thought it was a major attempt by some app-developer coyote to show gringos that their job is no walk in the park!

Wanna Live at The Dakota? Hispanics Need Not Apply

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Photo: Allan Tannenbaum

Every time I walk by New York City’s famous Dakota building, I cannot help but think about Lennon, Ono, Bacall and Bernstein. But for some reason not many Hispanics come to mind…

And now I finally know why:

In a recent New York Times article about Dakota tenant Alphonse Fletcher and his ongoing fight with the building’s management, one member of the co-op board is said to have made a point about why they turned down an apartment to one famous Hispanic:

“[…] after a well-known couple, believed to be Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, was rejected for a ground-floor apartment in 2005, a board member joked that Mr. Banderas, who is Hispanic, wanted to be at street level so he could buy drugs easily.”

So there you have it. Not only the “system” has trashed my dream of becoming a beauty queen; now I’m going to have to look for an apartment elsewhere… the projects, tal vez.

Oh well…

At Last! A Call Against ‘José Luis Sin Censura’

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I have been writing about Liberman’s Spanish-language programming for quite some time now, and was always appalled at the lack of response by mainstream media about the offensive nature of some of their programming.

Things might change soon.

Today the National Hispanic Media Coalition (NHMC) and the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) filed a joint complaint with the FCC against Liberman Broadcasting, Inc. and KRCA, a broadcast television station serving the Los Angeles area. The complaint is in response to a string of broadcasts of the Spanish-language television talk show José Luis Sin Censura, which contains indecent, profane, and obscene material, offensive language, nudity, and on-air verbal and physical attacks against women as well as lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people.

Watch for yourself (if you can stomach it, that is.)

More footage here

How to Use Your iPhone to Act Like a ‘Real’ Mexican

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It is truly remarkable what you can do with your iPhone these days.

In addition to checking in cool restaurants, listen to world radio and kill stupid piggies with flying angry birds, you can now pretend to be a “real mariachi” (whatever that means) and stomp cucarachas while a lovely song -which else? La Cucaracha– plays in the background.

Mariachi Hero is for real and it costs 1.99 on iTunes.

Here’s Why I Won’t Take Part in a Beauty Pageant

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I always knew there had to be a strong reason for me not to participate in a beauty pageant. And here’s why: These people are brutal. So much so, they have stripped Domonique Ramirez, 17, of her Miss San Antonio beauty queen title and handed off the tiara to another girl because, among other violations…

Ramirez reportedly got too fat from eating tacos, adding an inch or two to her figure…

That is, like, not fair.

I think pageant organizers should just tweak the name of her crown a little, and simply call her “Miss Carnitas.” That way I’m sure she’ll attract some big Hispanic marketers including KFC, Old El Paso or even El Pueblano.

If all of this fails, we’ll just have to send Domonique to join the Mexico City police force.

What Took Them so Long? Ubisoft Preps Summer Launch of ‘Call of Juárez: The Cartel’

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What do you do upon learning that more than 6,000 people have died in drug-related violence en Ciudad Juárez in only one year?

If you are MAC-Rodarte, you launch a line up of make-up. And if you are a U.S.-based videogame developer you launch a game.

That is exactly what Ubisoft Entertainment will be doing this summer, when it is set to release Call of Juarez: The Cartel, an “exciting” adventure that engages users to:

“Embark on a bloody road trip from Los Angeles to Juárez, Mexico […] immersing yourself in a gritty plot with interesting characters and a wide variety of game play options.”

Yeah, that sounds like fun… morons!

Gaddafi Wants you to Know He is NOT in Venezuela

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Don’t believe everything you read on Twitter or Facebook. Lybia’s dictator Muammar Gaddafi went on national television to dispel rumors that he had fled to friendly Venezuela.

“I am here to show that I am in Tripoli and not in Venezuela,” he said.

@ChavezCandanga, for his part, was not available for comment and as a matter of fact has been gone from Twitter since February 19.

The ‘NY Times’ Discovers Latinas ‘Pechonalidad’

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Better late than never.

The New York Times today informs the world about one little secret many of us have known for, like, centuries: That Latinas equate big breasts with a strong personality. As a 27-year-old Dominican patient of a plastic surgeon in Washington Heights told the newspaper:

“My personality doesn’t go with small breasts,” she added. Using the words “pecho” and “personalidad” — Spanish for “breast” and “personality” — she coined a term that could serve as Dr. Yager’s motto: “Now, I’m a person with a lot of ‘pechonalidad!’ ”

This blogger thinks the story is sublime, and should be considered for this year’s Pulitzer Prize awards, except the Times makes one important mistake:

“[…]Immigrants can locate surgeons able to recreate the cleavage of Thalía, the Mexican singer.”

Thalia???!! You gotta be kidding me. If this blogger were to go for a “Latin cleavage,” there’s no way I’d go for the Thalia type. I would plunk down my entire savings -and 401K- accounts to get the Sofía Vergara-look, or at the very least, the Bárbara Bermudo one. Of course, I would have to say good-bye to Sunday mass.

Source: Plastic Surgery Among Ethnic Groups Mirrors Beauty Ideals – NYTimes.com.

Carlos Fuentes Thinks Sarkozy Is a Banana-Republic Dictator [And NOT Because of This Photo]

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I never thought I’d live to see the day in which a fellow Mexican would label the president of a European nation a Banana-Republic Dictator.

But that is exactly what Mexican writer Carlos Fuentes has called Nicolas Sarkozy for his handling of the Florence Cassez case, which “is nothing but a political maneuver to boost his popularity.”

I don’t know you, but after reading such a thing, I could only say one thing: Juay de agresion?

Chipotle Grill Under Scrutiny by ICE: Now Who’s Going to Roll my Burritos?

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Burrito-loving Americans should be up in arms: Chipotle Mexican Grill, which owns and operates nearly 1,100 outlets across the U.S., has been forced to let go of hundreds of workers amid an immigration probe that has spread to other states. According to the Wall Street Journal:

“Hundreds of workers were dismissed in Minnesota, where Chipotle has about 50 restaurants and employs about 1,200 people, after the company received notices of ‘suspect documents’ for them from ICE.”

I don’t know you but I fear for the “integrity” of my meal. If not a Mexican, who is going to be rolling my burritos from now on? a Puerto Rican? a Texan? No, señor!

A Portable Translator that Will Seduce Your Valentine Into Opening Her Legs, Ahem, Heart

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You gotta love Spanish-language media. Not only you get to read stuff in your own language, but you are exposed to some marketing gems like this one found on today’s El Diario la Prensa, pitching the PartnerES900: A translation machine that will make your sweetheart “go into ecstasy” and have her open her … heart. (Click to enlarge.. the photo, just the photo.)

Here’s a taste of the precious text for the monolingual crowd:

“Give your partner the hottest -and most powerful- present ever: The English/Spanish translator Partner ES900. Her satisfaction will be immediate. Your partner will open, even more, the doors of her heart -and her life- when she sees the power that you have in your hands.”

Hat tip: José Simián