Guacamole, which according to “avocado experts” at Wholly Guacamole was “invented by the Aztecs for its nutritional benefits for the wealthy,” can now be used to prepare a deliciously patriotic Mexican flag tricolor dip, a culinary work of art you will never encounter in Mexico (mainly because it looks like a hell of a lot of work for a real Mexican.)
But I digress. The point is: The Super Bowl LVI is tonight and any excuse to fool around with Mexican food –and the Mexican flag– is a good one. Besides… it features an eagle… and eagle, babies!
Crazy Fresh Products, a company that guarantees “fresh-cut and ready-to-eat veggies and salsas,” has concocted the Guacammus, a blend of guacamole and hummus that is sure to make hipster-millennials salivate.
This thing was last seen at a local store for $5.99 –and yes, this is what it actually looks like.
If Guacammus is not for you, these people are also peddling Picomole, Apple Salsa and Cranberry Salsa among other atrocities, because why the hell not?
Despite their being a mortal threat for white people –and their hands– avocados have come a long way on this side of the Rio Grande, thanks mainly to hipsters, millennials and the like. But now, it’s almost as if it’s bad for your health not to eat these things, at least as far as the people selling them are concerned.
Citing latest research, the Avocado Board has come to the conclusion that eating avocados for breakfast has resulted in “heart health benefits for adults” and that you should be eating avocados for breakfast or will soon get a heart attack or something.
Well, as a non-millennial, non-hipster Mexican who actually grew up in Mexico eating avocados NOT for breakfast but in my tacos de carnitas and such, I do not support these findings, nor the avocraze that has gotten way out of hand.
That is the promise of Cado, an “avocado-based frozen dessert” crafted by a very white group of vegan people and designed to satisfy your avocado craving –without the dairy and/or the other actually great things about, well, avocados.
Per a review of this thing by Veg News (LOL)
Organic avocado is cold-pressed, sweetened, and flavored before being churned to a silky, smooth consistency. The fruit’s subtle floral aroma lightly infuses each variety, but flavors such as Deep Dark Chocolate, Simply Lemon, and Mint Chocolate Chip shine through for a unique take on our favorite frozen treat.
I have no idea who Fooddeco is and/or why anybody should listen to what they have to say, but they seem to be truly in love with avocados. So much so they’re now advocating for Avocado Gender Reveal Parties.
I’m only afraid if this trend picks up, we’re going to see a lot more cases of avocado hand, because I’m pretty sure this is a mostly white people thing.
So if y’all excuse me, I’m off to jump out the window or something.
OKAY, people, stop doing whatever it is you are doing right now. A potentially devastating malaise known as Avocado Hand is affecting an increasing number of non-Mexican people, specifically those who have no idea how to cut an avocado, namely Americans and Brits.
According to the always reliable Daily Mail, the number of people visiting the emergency room suffering from “avocado hand” knife injuries is on the rise. But… how bad exactly is this thing? Well, it is so bad it once got none other than Meryl Streep, who famously required hand surgery after cutting her fingers while preparing a delish guacamole.
The problem is not limited to America, no señor. London-based plastic surgeon Simon Eccles told The Times that he sees about four patients a week now suffering with wounds caused by trying to cut an avocado, because — shockingly — there are avocados in London.
Fortunately, they are plenty of resources out there for you not to end up in the emergency room with a bunch of avocado-clueless anglos. There are even guides and fancy gadgets for you to master your avocado grip.
So, get yourself together and don’t say I didn’t warn you….