Month: April 2016

This Coffee Shop Will Be Making ‘Margarita Doughnuts’ on Cinco de Mayo… Because Cinco de Mayo

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donutsKane

It’s a full seven days before May 5th, but the marketing nonsense around the American festivity known as Cinco de Mayo is in full swing.

Take Kane’s Donuts, an “iconic Massachusetts doughnut shop,” which has sent out a press release (yes, a press release!) to tout its latest delicious concoction: a boozy-inspired, margarita flavored, green-glazed doughnut.

Fortunately, this thing will be available for a “limited time only” and this blogger hopes it will be limited to residents of Massachusetts.

This doesn’t make any sense, you know?

See? Even the GOP Knows Mexicans Speak Perfect English Before Crossing the U.S. Border

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mike-pape

Mike Pape, a Republican dude running for Kentucky’s first Congressional district, has released a new TV ad featuring what he thinks are Latino immigrants, complete with Mario Bros.-like mustaches and fake accents.

In the :30 TV spot (below) three men, presumably undocumented immigrants attempting to cross the border into the U.S., are running to a fence and cutting through it when they reveal their very specific political plans: To help stop Donald Trump and Ted Cruz but also Pape himself, because he’s going to help those two build a wall and repeal Obamacare and stuff.

The whole thing is so hilarious it’s hard to be offended. In fact, my favorite part of this whole thing are the English subtitles, because — in case you haven’t noticed — these guys are actually SPEAKING ENGLISH!

So, WTF Señor Pape? Get your caca together, man!

WATCH. CRINGE. DO NOT REPEAT.

Via: Think Progress

Missouri, Too, Will Bash a Huge Trump Piñata on Cinco de Mayo

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pinatahuge

In yet another sign that bashing Donald Trump is now a national sport, a pizza and wine bar in St. Louis, MO will host a special Cinco de Mayo celebration (on May 7th) featuring a gigantic Donald Trump piñata.

According to a very long press release:

The El Trumpo Piñata will be on display at Yaquis Pizza and Wine Bar (2728 Cherokee, St. Louis, MO 63118) in promotion of their Cinco de Mayo celebration where, upon dusk (approximately 9:00 pm) on Saturday, May 7th, 2016, kids will be able to battle the El Trumpo piñata in an effort to grab as much candy that falls out.

The St.Louis, MO event comes on the heels of a similar Chicago announcement, proving that bashing El Trumpo is no longer a exclusive privilege of Mexicans in Mexico.

So, without further ado, here’s Francis Rodriguez, restaurateur and creator of the El Trumpo Piñata talking about the upcoming event and why Trump is a “very dangerous” person.

British TV Producers Punish Peruvian Tribe by Sending a Bunch of White, Disrespectful Teenagers

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‘Ethan and Alex are sent to Peru to live with the Ashaninka tribe for crimes of laziness and being spoilt’

What to do with lazy, spoilt, disrespectful teenagers who do nothing but play video games all day long?

Send them to Peru, of course!

That is basically the premise of Tribal Teens, a reality TV show hailing form England that sends entitled little brats to live in “dire conditions” and face “life-changing challenges” in some of the world’s most remote tribes.

Among these are the Ashaninka indians in the Peruvian Amazon, who for some screwed up reason ended hosting not only these spoiled, disrespectful teens, but an army of television producers, cameramen, make-up artists, etc., etc.

Seriously, dude. What did the Ashaninka do to deserve this punishment? Can somebody please fill me in?

This Chicago Bar Wants you to Bash Trump on Cinco de Mayo

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extralargeChicago, the city with not one but Two Donald Trump toilets, is the proud host of the upcoming #ThumpTrump Cinco de Mayo Bash, a fiesta organized by a Lakeview beer & bourbon bar featuring a giant Trump piñata.

Like Mr. Trump would say, I think it’s terrific to give Chicagoans a chance to bash the Republican presidential front-runner, too. (Why would Mexicans have all the fun?)

I don’t know about you, but I’m already booking a plane ticket to the Windy City: Beer, bourbon, a Trump piñata… How can you go wrong?

Salma Hayek to Star as a Lesbian Taco in Upcoming Movie, Because Hollywood

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sausage

Hold on to your sombreros!

If you thought Hollywood was running out of awesome ideas, think again. Coming this summer to a movie theatre near you is The Sausage Party, an “adult animated film with talking food,” starring Seth Rogen as Frank, a sausage who lives in a supermarket waiting to be chosen. Yep.

But because American supermarkets — and dinner tables — would be nothing without my people (i.e. Flaming Hot Mexicans,) The Sausage Party also stars Mexican bombshell Salma Hayek who will play the role of — what else? — a Lesbian taco. (Don’t ask.)

It’s a pity no more Mexicans have been cast, since I would have enjoyed a kitchen scene of horny jumping beans. But maybe that’s in store for the 2017 sequel: The Chorizo Fiesta

Anyhow, here’s a trailer of this thing, alas, sans lesbian tacos:

Hat tip: London correspondent 

JOB ALERT: Cinco de Mayo Ass Models Needed in Miami

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Anybody?
Anybody?

Awwww, America: The land of the free, home of the brave — and the Milwaukee Taco Fest — is also the place to go to advance your career.

Take the above job opportunity hailing from — where else? — Florida, where some dude needs to hire 4 women for an adult business Cinco de Mayo event. Required are two “promo models” and two “ass models,” who will be paid $420/hr and $250/hr, respectively, for the gig. Ladies must be “fun, friendly and not uptight,” so boring, unfriendly and anxious señoritas, please refrain.

I don’t know about you, but I’m super interested in this thing, so I’m off to polish my… resume.

Let’s see if I can finally make some money off my Latin talents.

I will keep you posted.

Tostitos Telenovela Features Catalina Creel, and Lots of Shirtlessness

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¡Doble-dippeaste! ¡Sí, lo hiciste!
Clap, clap, clap
Tostitos, the brand that gave us a noseless Sevillana pitching spicy salsa, is back with a [Latin] vengeance; this time with Botanas del cielo, a :60 telenovela that incorporates its new products into a hilarious, over-the-top plotline.

Among this blogger’s favorite: An English-speaking version of eye-patched villain Catalina Creel, accusing her (always shirtless) son Enrique of double-dipping in the brand’s new Chunky Habanero Salsa. “¡Doble-dippeaste!” 

This thing is so hilarious that I’m sort of forgiving Tostitos for their past transgressions.

The series and a trailer are featured on Tostitos.com and the brand’s YouTube channel.

The Milwaukee Taco Fest Is all that Is Wrong with America

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tacofest1

If you thought Cinco de Mayo was the ultimate Mexican-themed ridiculousness in America, wait till you see the inner workings of the Milwaukee Taco Fest, an annual extravaganza promising attendees “a day of taco tasting, tequila, margaritas, cervezas and tons of great entertainment.”

And by “great entertainment” we’re not talking about just any great entertainment, no señor, we’re talking live wrestling, a taco-eating contest and — of course — a Chihuahua beauty pageant.

Screen Shot 2016-04-13 at 1.02.35 PMAre you cringing yet?

I’m just about to go shoot myself, but you would be well advised to hold onto your sombreros because this thing is happening real soon and — unfortunately — there’s no stopping them.

Sombrero tip: Gil

 

Canelo Álvarez to Help Tecate ‘Amplify Modern Masculinity’

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Canelo

Tecate has launched its first national campaign in the U.S. featuring none other than Mexican boxing superstar Saúl “El Canelo” Álvarez. In a 30-second-spot, we see Mr. Álvarez being hailed — and carried (literally) — as some kind of King of bling bling only to jump on the ring like a champ and remind us that “he is always bold but never flashy.”

According to Adweek, Tecate’s Born Bold campaign is an effort to further “amplify modern masculinity” (whatever that means) among Hispanics and non-Hispanics alike.

“The primary target is still the Hispanic consumer,” brand director Belen Pamukoff told Adweek. “But as a secondary target, we have the general market.”

A second TV spot features a veteran referee losing his patience for one player’s attempt to draw a foul call against his opponent finally drawing the dreaded red card, something I believe is also an effort to “amplify modern masculinity.”

Anyhow, here goes.

Please watch and let me know: Did the spot help amplify your modern masculinity?

Pope Francis Wins ‘First-ever Telemundo Innovation Award’ — for some Reason

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sombrero Pope Francis

Today in awkward, Hispanic-related news…

Pope Francis is the proud recipient of the first-ever Telemundo Innovation Award, which was conceived by Telemundo to honor an individual innovator “whose work has explored new trends, showcased pioneering spirit and greatly impacted society.”

According to a very long press release, Pope Francis was chosen for his “innovative approach to redefining religion in a social and digital world.” This, I’m sure, has to do with the fact that he just joined Instagram (better late than never) and has, like, six Twitter accounts (who has the time?)

Anyhow, I thought you’d also like to know that this very important award was announced during an equally paramount event: Hispanicize 2016, taking place in — where else? — Miami.

¡Ay dios mío!

Via Broadcasting & Cable

 

¡Ándale, Ándale! Speedy Gonzales Preps for Hollywood Debut

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Speedy-Gonzales

If everything goes according to plan, my childhood hero will soon be the star of his own animated feature film.

According to Deadline.com, Warner Bros. is already working on a Speedy Gonzales movie with producers Dylan Sellers and Mexican comedian Eugenio Derbez, who will be charged with voicing the ultrafast, sombrero-wearing little mouse.

Details are still sketchy, but news of a Speedy Gonzales feature film come at a very convenient time for Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, who has found inspiration in this witty mouse to try to get my people (i.e. The Hispanics) vote for her.

¡Ándale, ándale! ¡Arriba, arriba!

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