Remember that nonsensical trend of putting “eñes” where they don’t belong just to make something look — and sound — more authentically Latino?
Well, it looks like American media giants and Hispanic journalists organizations are not alone in this thing. As it turns out, the makers of Trinidad salsa* have decided it’s OK to put an “eñe” on habanero.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not that difficult. How about putting an “eñe” where it DOES belong? Like in “jalapeño?” for example?
Got extra $40 and no shame? I got the perfect thing for you!
The Nostalgia Taco Tuesday Heated Lazy Susan Topping Bar is a fun way to get together on Taco Tuesday and share hideous, non-taco tacos with your friends. The set costs “only” $39.99 (plus shipping) and promises to hold as much plasticky, fake Mexican food you can imagine!
According to its creators, this thing’s Lazy Susan Design “makes it easy to share across the table” and features a “removable warming pot and topping trays.”
Heck, there’s even a video showing how a “timeless tradition has been made more convenient.”
But, what makes this thing a taco? I’m glad you asked! “The taco flavor serves up gyoza nestled in a hot dog bun topped with a spicy sauce with chopped tomatoes, green peppers, onions, and jalapeños and a rich cheese sauce.”
Well, the General Mills’ owned brand is back in the news, now with the launch of “Tortilla Pockets Kits,” because apparently their target consumers are too dumb to eat a regular taco made with real tortillas.
Tortilla Pockets, say their creators, “are sealed at the bottom to offer a mess-free solution at mealtimes and are ideal for a quick bite on the go.” And, no, this is not a joke. They’re already on sale in England and Australia.
Oh and “food” writers and editors seem to totally dig them!
“Eating tacos is a precarious business. After years of practise, few of us have perfected the fine art of filling a taco and getting it into our mouths without losing half of it to the floor,” writes Erina Starkey, a restaurant and news editor in Australia, which -granted- is not really known for its Mexican gastronomy. “The nifty pocket design provides a perfect cup for filling up with mince, cheese and salad so you never have to worry about dry-cleaning those salsa stains again.”
Not content with having desecrated tacos, quesadillas and the like, Taco Bell has its eyes on destroying yet another one of this blogger’s favorite things: Alcoholic beverages.
Turns out the ubiquitous American “food” chain is launching Jalapeño Noir, a new red wine to pair with your Cheesy Chalupa, because… WHY THE HELL NOT?
Fortunately for this blogger, this thing is only being released in Canada and is tied to Taco Bell Canada’s introduction of the new Toasted Cheesy Chalupa [don’t ask.] Per an unnecessarily long press release: “The new chalupa variation features six-month aged sharp cheddar cheese toasted onto the iconic chalupa shell to create a crispy blanket of flavour and texture” which should pair well with “notes of wild strawberry, cherry and beetroot in this silky limited-edition red wine.”
Spanish food conglomerate Frit Ravich might want to learn how to use mexicanismos when marketing their “Mexican-flavored” snacks.
According to the packaging of these Mexican-flavored sunflower seeds, the taste of these babies will leave you shaking your maracas and playing your guitar while feeling … well, a bit stupid. You know? Because Mexicans!
Domino’s Pizza decided it was a good idea to launch a “chicken-taco pizza,” a hideous combination of grilled chicken, cheese, onions, tomatoes, green peppers and –what else?– taco seasoning.
“We’re excited to add even more options to our lineup of delicious specialty pizzas,” said Art D’Elia, Domino’s executive vicepresident, apparently with a straight face, in a press release.
As the pizza chain explains, “the flavors are based on foods that –unlike pizza– typically don’t deliver well. For example, if you order tacos, there’s a chance they’ll be soggy by the time they arrive at your door. Same with burgers.” Tsssssss….
I can’t, really I just literally can’t.
No, it’s not a glitch in the matrix. Yes, this is real life.
Say hello to our NEW Chicken Taco & Cheeseburger Specialty Pizzas! Finally, a 🌮 & 🍔 designed to be delivered. pic.twitter.com/tS7ZEtp0MI
And just because 2020 couldn’t punish us enough, Lay’s has decided to turn two iconic Mexican dishes into … snacks in a bag. Yes, my friends, I might have been too busy blogging about bad translations in Mexico to focus on what’s really important: Yet, another chapter in the desecration of Mexican food on this side of the border.
Sources close to this sad situation, tell me Lay’s “Wavy Carnitas Street Taco” have been inspired by El Torito restaurant in Los Angeles, while Lay’s “Chile Relleno” took their inspiration from Cocina Azul in Albuquerque.
Now if y’all excuse me; it’s only 9:30 a.m. but I think I’ll go have a María Sangrienta.
The lockdown resulting from the COVID-19 pandemic has been tough on Thomasina Miers’ children. That is why the co-founder of Wahaca, London’s weirdly-named Mexican eatery, has concocted a recipe for tacos that are… well… sure to please Londoners.
We’re talking about Thomasina’s cornflake-crumb fish tacos with a “tangy tropical ketchup,” which apparently is a mix of pineapple and cayenne pepper. For children you know?
The train wreck recipe includes tossing cabbage, onion and coriander on these things and then sprinkle with sea salt and a bit of lime. Thomasina suggests we eat them at once with a cold beer.
Ok, I’ll do the beer and toss out all the rest. Thanks.
Japanese conveyor-belt sushi chain Sushiro is apparently so fond of Mexican food that is launching its own “Sushi tacos,” a so-called “fusion food” that combines, well, sushi with what they think is a taco.
According to local media, Sushiro’s sushi tacos are priced at 170 yen (about US$1.60 each), and ordered via a touch panel at your seat, just like any other item on the Sushiro menu. And if you think said taco looks hideous in the picture above, wait until you see it in real life.
Fortunately, these things, are only available in Japan –and this blogger certainly hopes it will stay this way.
Move over $30-dollar Taco Toaster, here comes a less expensive, even more outrageous contraption to make what Americans think is a taco. I give you the … $22-dollar Made in California Taco Toaster, a plastic/metal mold thingy to hold your “taco” in place while you put it in a toaster –for some reason.
Worse than looking at this thing is reading the description of what it is and what it promises:
Creating a well-executed taco is an artform: salty black beans with sweet onions, blistery red peppers and corn, spicy guacamole, cooling Cotija–and best of all–a crunchy shell you can pile all this goodness into. This petite gadget lets you make crispy taco shells at home in your toaster, without any of the added oil like the ones you’d find in the grocery store.
As if I didn’t have enough bad news these days, someone just mentioned Cauliflower, a Los Angeles-based company determined to “reinvent our favorite foods” with healthier options, including cauliflower rice, cauliflower chips and cauliflower pizza dough.
While I couldn’t care less about what they do to rice and pizza, they’re now proudly peddling the ¡Viva Cauliflower Tortilla! apparently because people really really needed a grain-free, cauliflower tortilla to wrap God knows what in them.
“Caulipower’s mission is to listen to what people want,” Gail Becker, founder and CEO of Caulipower, told Baking Business. “Like pizza, tortillas are beloved, versatile and a natural fit for us to create a better-for-you option.”
Listen, Gail, I’m sure you’re all healthy and all that, but who are you to say this is a better-for-me option? Last time I checked, my better-for-me-option was a deliciously greasy set of carnitas wrapped in –what else?– a double corn tortilla.
Besides, if you really really want a healthy meal, just go squash some cauliflower and roll things inside it, but don’t call these things tortillas if you don’t want me to throw a fit.
Starting Thursday, Feb. 27 and until the deadly coronavirus takes us all (hopefully soon) Einstein Bros. Bagels will start selling the Bagelrito, a “big, bold, and easy to hold” bagel/burrito mash-up that looks as disgusting as it sounds.
The company claims this thing was a smashing success in Denver, CO test markets –for some reason, but this blogger is looking forward to never having to see this thing ever again. Ever.