So, here I was, strolling through the capital of Croatia, taking in the sights and sounds of this gorgeous city, when I bumped into “Taquitos Bandidos,” a small joint in Downtown Zagreb luring visitors with the promise of “Street Food.”
Of course I didn’t come all the way here to eat make-believe Mexican food, but I was intrigued and walked in to see the menu, which was brought to me by a family of flautas dressed like “bandidos,” complete with mustachios and sombreros, with one of them even waving a gun.
The menu features your regular taquitos, quesadillas and “spicy dips,” but of course, being from someone totally clueless about what Mexican food is all about, it includes chilli con carne and… chicken salad wraps.
The only good thing I found here was that they actuallly sell Jarritos, which of course cost as much as a bottle of Corona and way more than what they believe is tequila.
As for the food, well if it looks like this … so don’t blame me if I go in there soon to ask them to DELETE THEIR MENU.
Pizza Hut Australia tweeted the above image to its followers asking what they’d prefer on their pizza: “avocado dip” (whatever that means) or -I assume- a regular topping. I’m too busy to elaborate right now, but it is my opinion that multinationals should just leave aguacates alone.
The reason? Apparently, some Mexicans feel it’s super offensive to depict “one of our own” with a caricature of a mustachioed dude, wearing a giant sombrero and flanked by a cactus.
I get it, with the exception of yours truly, not all Mexicans like to wear giant sombreros when attending “culturally-relevant” parties. Yet, I’m much more offended by the look of these sad chips -and their apparent lack of delicious spicy flavor (or should I say “flavour?”)
Let’s be honest: Just as any other holiday, Thanksgiving has become mostly another good reason to eat and drink in excess (at least in my case.)
But if a 3 pm “dinner” of turkey, pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce seems a little boring to you, you can always throw a “Latino Thanksgiving,” which basically means a three-day smörgåsbord of lechón, tamales, arroz, frijoles, elote, tostones, tequila, poker games — and plenty of dancing and family drama.
If any of the above sounds exciting enough, you are in luck.
Here are 8 SIMPLE STEPS to turn your regular Thanksgiving into a Latino one:
Turkey? Who eats turkey? Run to the closest bodega and pick the biggest lechón available. Roast and stuff an apple on its mouth while you’re at it.
Cranberry sauce? We don’t even know what that is. Get a mojo going or start a guajillo marinade for said lechón
Start with plenty of tamales and make sure to serve rice, beans, gandules, tostones and/or plantains on the side.
Pumpkin? Who eats pumpkin? Really. Pumpkin is only good when you use its flowers to make one of these.
Start serving dinner at 10 pm, because, really, who has dinner at 3 pm?
Once the meal is over, and liters of alcohol have been consumed, be ready for your mother, tía or abuela to start crying inconsolably over you not visiting more often, etc.
No football. Who watches football? It’s not like it’s fútbol… Take out the baraja, the poker chips and open up the wallet.
Turn up the music and dance like maniacs all night long. And do not worry about thy neighbor. Thy neighbor should be thankful to have a Latino family around. After all, what is Thanksgiving if not an opportunity to say gracias?
A Spanish-language version of this blog post first appeared on Univision.com
Remember that nonsensical trend of putting “eñes” where they don’t belong just to make something look — and sound — more authentically Latino?
Well, it looks like American media giants and Hispanic journalists organizations are not alone in this thing. As it turns out, the makers of Trinidad salsa* have decided it’s OK to put an “eñe” on habanero.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not that difficult. How about putting an “eñe” where it DOES belong? Like in “jalapeño?” for example?
Got extra $40 and no shame? I got the perfect thing for you!
The Nostalgia Taco Tuesday Heated Lazy Susan Topping Bar is a fun way to get together on Taco Tuesday and share hideous, non-taco tacos with your friends. The set costs “only” $39.99 (plus shipping) and promises to hold as much plasticky, fake Mexican food you can imagine!
According to its creators, this thing’s Lazy Susan Design “makes it easy to share across the table” and features a “removable warming pot and topping trays.”
Heck, there’s even a video showing how a “timeless tradition has been made more convenient.”
But, what makes this thing a taco? I’m glad you asked! “The taco flavor serves up gyoza nestled in a hot dog bun topped with a spicy sauce with chopped tomatoes, green peppers, onions, and jalapeños and a rich cheese sauce.”
Well, the General Mills’ owned brand is back in the news, now with the launch of “Tortilla Pockets Kits,” because apparently their target consumers are too dumb to eat a regular taco made with real tortillas.
Tortilla Pockets, say their creators, “are sealed at the bottom to offer a mess-free solution at mealtimes and are ideal for a quick bite on the go.” And, no, this is not a joke. They’re already on sale in England and Australia.
Oh and “food” writers and editors seem to totally dig them!
“Eating tacos is a precarious business. After years of practise, few of us have perfected the fine art of filling a taco and getting it into our mouths without losing half of it to the floor,” writes Erina Starkey, a restaurant and news editor in Australia, which -granted- is not really known for its Mexican gastronomy. “The nifty pocket design provides a perfect cup for filling up with mince, cheese and salad so you never have to worry about dry-cleaning those salsa stains again.”
Not content with having desecrated tacos, quesadillas and the like, Taco Bell has its eyes on destroying yet another one of this blogger’s favorite things: Alcoholic beverages.
Turns out the ubiquitous American “food” chain is launching Jalapeño Noir, a new red wine to pair with your Cheesy Chalupa, because… WHY THE HELL NOT?
Fortunately for this blogger, this thing is only being released in Canada and is tied to Taco Bell Canada’s introduction of the new Toasted Cheesy Chalupa [don’t ask.] Per an unnecessarily long press release: “The new chalupa variation features six-month aged sharp cheddar cheese toasted onto the iconic chalupa shell to create a crispy blanket of flavour and texture” which should pair well with “notes of wild strawberry, cherry and beetroot in this silky limited-edition red wine.”
Spanish food conglomerate Frit Ravich might want to learn how to use mexicanismos when marketing their “Mexican-flavored” snacks.
According to the packaging of these Mexican-flavored sunflower seeds, the taste of these babies will leave you shaking your maracas and playing your guitar while feeling … well, a bit stupid. You know? Because Mexicans!
Domino’s Pizza decided it was a good idea to launch a “chicken-taco pizza,” a hideous combination of grilled chicken, cheese, onions, tomatoes, green peppers and –what else?– taco seasoning.
“We’re excited to add even more options to our lineup of delicious specialty pizzas,” said Art D’Elia, Domino’s executive vicepresident, apparently with a straight face, in a press release.
As the pizza chain explains, “the flavors are based on foods that –unlike pizza– typically don’t deliver well. For example, if you order tacos, there’s a chance they’ll be soggy by the time they arrive at your door. Same with burgers.” Tsssssss….
I can’t, really I just literally can’t.
No, it’s not a glitch in the matrix. Yes, this is real life.
Say hello to our NEW Chicken Taco & Cheeseburger Specialty Pizzas! Finally, a 🌮 & 🍔 designed to be delivered. pic.twitter.com/tS7ZEtp0MI
And just because 2020 couldn’t punish us enough, Lay’s has decided to turn two iconic Mexican dishes into … snacks in a bag. Yes, my friends, I might have been too busy blogging about bad translations in Mexico to focus on what’s really important: Yet, another chapter in the desecration of Mexican food on this side of the border.
Sources close to this sad situation, tell me Lay’s “Wavy Carnitas Street Taco” have been inspired by El Torito restaurant in Los Angeles, while Lay’s “Chile Relleno” took their inspiration from Cocina Azul in Albuquerque.
Now if y’all excuse me; it’s only 9:30 a.m. but I think I’ll go have a María Sangrienta.