In a recent interview with People magazine, retroacculturated Latina actress Eva Longoria recalled how, as the darkest of four sisters, she was constantly referred to as “La prieta faya” [sic], which then the magazine translates as “the ugly dark one.”

Either Mrs. Longoria’s family flunked Spanish in junior high (faya is not a real word; I want to believe she meant “fea”) or she actually said “fea” but People’s editors didn’t bother to have sister mag People en Español help with the spell check.

Either way, the whole thing looks very “faya” to me. And don’t get me started on the “dark ugly one” part. I will let that one for you to munch on.

Ay, ay, ay!

Move over Cinco de Mayo Barbie. The hottest trend this fake Mexican holiday are Adidas’ Cinco de Mayo sneakers.

Those willing to fork out $100 for a pair of these beauties, will be set to run and jump like only Mexicans can. Just wait for the “¡Ahí viene la migra!” call for action and you’ll be off to some real fun.

What are you waiting for? Get your sneakers, grab a Corona from the nearest bodega, give the help a day off and have a Happy Cinco de Mayo!

First came Cinco de Mayo Barbie, then the “authentic,” Hispanic-looking [sic] quinceañera and more recently Kmart’s new line of ethnic dolls.  So let’s welcome now the Friends Forever Reina Doll, the latest “multicultural” addition to the Dolls Like Me line.

Reina, its creators inform us, not only means Queen in Spanish but, at $89 apiece, comes clad in a red shawl and zippered backpack: a truly Latino-look if you ask me. She is kind of cute, or at least better looking than Ugly Betty.

But wait! Can somebody please explain why Kameko (below) is only $59.95? (I guess this is one of these instances in which size DOES matter!)

I spent a good part of Sunday sipping Reconquista-special Absolut Vodka martinis at Manhattan’s Bar Six, and although I noticed that 99.99% of the kitchen and boss-boy staff was of Mexican origin, I failed to realize that the excess of work has turned these poor souls into mutant, several-handed creatures.

Can somebody please give them a hand? (or maybe not.)

Forget about complex research and marketing formulas. Here’s how a motel in Mexico brilliantly positions itself as the ultimate spot for a “quickie.”

Note to the monolingual crowd: Rapidín is Spanish for quickie.

Photo posted by Facebook user Gustavo Morett.

OK this is it!. Forget about Absolut Aztlán. Now it is Mexicans turn to feel the outrage. Look closely at this “very detailed” map of the world and tell me: Where the hell is the Baja California peninsula? Last time I checked it showed as part of the Mexican territory (even though Americans are always there, hanging out).

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced the UPS Whiteboard campaign is part America’s plan for world domination. So I suggest we all boycott UPS until a) they learn how to draw a map of Mexico, or b) give us Baja back!

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

(Hat tip to Carlos, a reader, for sending this over)

Wondering what people eat in the Caribbean? Look no further than your local Krispy Kreme outlet. The Winston-Salem, N.C.-based company is introducing two new treats “bursting with island flavor!”

“The Caribbean Kreme doughnut and Chillers feature the intense flavors of freshly ripened tropical fruits. The doughnut is filled with a blend of exotic mango, pineapple and passion fruit, and topped with delicious white icing and shortcake crunch.”

I am so jealous of Cubans right now, as I’m sure they’re happily enjoying this burst of tropical flavor down in that island of theirs…

Hat tip to Carlos Gutiérrez for spotting this.

Advertising Age’s The Big Tent today has the behind-the-scenes story of the Absolut mess I created by posting on my blog an ad that had been running in Mexico for months.

To read the full story, please click on the image above or here.

H para Hombres (you gotta love this name!) is not your average male-targeted glossy mag. The Maya Magazines-owned title pitches itself as the ultimate source of information for the ultimate target:

“H speaks to the Latin man who is hip and accomplished, yet slightly mischievous,” say H’s editors.

The magazine also prides itself with celebrating the “mind and spirit” of today’s most coveted women, exposing them “elegantly,” which is evidenced by the very elegant mink coat sported by Aylín Mujica, the Cuba-born telenovela star, who is as “addictive as a cigar.”

Ay, ay, ay!