The Lazy Susan Topping Bar Is Here –and I Can’t Even

Got extra $40 and no shame? I got the perfect thing for you!

The Nostalgia Taco Tuesday Heated Lazy Susan Topping Bar is a fun way to get together on Taco Tuesday and share hideous, non-taco tacos with your friends. The set costs “only” $39.99 (plus shipping) and promises to hold as much plasticky, fake Mexican food you can imagine!

According to its creators, this thing’s Lazy Susan Design “makes it easy to share across the table” and features a “removable warming pot and topping trays.”

Heck, there’s even a video showing how a “timeless tradition has been made more convenient.”

Watch at your own peril; I’m done with Thursday.

Photo via: Amazon.com / Sombrero tip: @lechancle

The 2021 Guac-Bowl Is Here and I Can’t Even

It’s already that time of the year when –not content with punishing this blogger with a pandemic, a white supremacist attempted coup, frigid temperatures *and* plenty avocado-hipster nonsense– the people behind Avocados From Mexico are once again reminding me of the upcoming, pandemic Super Bowl –and all I need to know about gringo guacamole.

Enter the 2021 Avocados From Mexico’s Guac Bowl, a “digital experience” where people obsessed with avocados can learn all sorts of things, including how to keep their avocados fresh longer for game day, and get rewards from buying avocados and other weird stuff.

Hosted by Troy Aikman and sportscaster Erin Andrews, the Guac Bowl digital experience also offers participants the chance to win “limited-time only avocado gear and weekly prizes of $1,000, as well as the opportunity to enter to win the grand prize of $1 million.”

Avocado gear? Yes, you read that right: Avocado gear is a thing and it’s just as ridiculous as you can imagine.

And no, I’m not making any of this up. Go ahead, read all about it right here. Now if y’all excuse me, I’ll go get drunk.

Taco Bell Launches Wine to Pair with your Toasted Cheesy Chalupa

It’s called Jalapeño Noir and at least they succeeded in putting an ‘eñe’ where it belongs.

Not content with having desecrated tacos, quesadillas and the like, Taco Bell has its eyes on destroying yet another one of this blogger’s favorite things: Alcoholic beverages.

Turns out the ubiquitous American “food” chain is launching Jalapeño Noir, a new red wine to pair with your Cheesy Chalupa, because… WHY THE HELL NOT?

Fortunately for this blogger, this thing is only being released in Canada and is tied to Taco Bell Canada’s introduction of the new Toasted Cheesy Chalupa [don’t ask.] Per an unnecessarily long press release: “The new chalupa variation features six-month aged sharp cheddar cheese toasted onto the iconic chalupa shell to create a crispy blanket of flavour and texture” which should pair well with “notes of wild strawberry, cherry and beetroot in this silky limited-edition red wine.”

OK, pinche 2020, make it stop now!

The ‘Veggie Taco Plush Set’ Guarantees your Child Will Never Know what Real Tacos Look Like

Speaking of culturally-relevant things… there’s a Veggie Taco Plush Set, which for “only” $49 promises to educate your child on the goodness that naturally comes with tacos, including some packets of questionable salsa; slices of avocado and even some cilantro to sprinkle here and there.

According to the description on the Kidrobot webside, the Victorio Veggie Taco Plush set,  “zips open to reveal the whole happy musical gang including backup singers Celia, Sylvia, and Sam Cilantro, Alejandro & Abigail Avocado on the strings, the Tambourine Tomato Twins, the hottest drummer in Yummy World Larry the Hot Sauce Packet and of course the infamous Bean Brothers on the horns.”

Okay, pues. Happy playing kids!

Hat tip: Gonzalo Jimenez

If 2020 Was a Kitchen Gadget, it Would Be this ‘Taco Toaster’

This thing promises ‘crunchy goodnes,’ but it’s giving me a heart attack instead.

Move over $30-dollar Taco Toaster, here comes a less expensive, even more outrageous contraption to make what Americans think is a taco. I give you the … $22-dollar Made in California Taco Toaster, a plastic/metal mold thingy to hold your “taco” in place while you put it in a toaster –for some reason.

Worse than looking at this thing is reading the description of what it is and what it promises:

Creating a well-executed taco is an artform: salty black beans with sweet onions, blistery red peppers and corn, spicy guacamole, cooling Cotija–and best of all–a crunchy shell you can pile all this goodness into. This petite gadget lets you make crispy taco shells at home in your toaster, without any of the added oil like the ones you’d find in the grocery store.

Now if y’all excuse myself, I’ll go get drunk.

Via: Uncommon Goods

We Must Stop Cauliflower Tortillas Before it’s Too Late

As if I didn’t have enough bad news these days, someone just mentioned Cauliflower, a Los Angeles-based company determined to “reinvent our favorite foods” with healthier options, including cauliflower rice, cauliflower chips and cauliflower pizza dough.

While I couldn’t care less about what they do to rice and pizza, they’re now proudly peddling the ¡Viva Cauliflower Tortilla! apparently because people really really needed a grain-free, cauliflower tortilla to wrap God knows what in them.

“Caulipower’s mission is to listen to what people want,” Gail Becker, founder and CEO of Caulipower, told Baking Business. “Like pizza, tortillas are beloved, versatile and a natural fit for us to create a better-for-you option.”

Listen, Gail, I’m sure you’re all healthy and all that, but who are you to say this is a better-for-me option? Last time I checked, my better-for-me-option was a deliciously greasy set of carnitas wrapped in –what else?– a double corn tortilla.

Besides, if you really really want a healthy meal, just go squash some cauliflower and roll things inside it, but don’t call these things tortillas if you don’t want me to throw a fit.

Thank you very much for your cooperation.

Photo via: Caulipower

Bagel Shop Launches ‘Bagelrito,’ Because Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

Starting Thursday, Feb. 27 and until the deadly coronavirus takes us all (hopefully soon) Einstein Bros. Bagels will start selling the Bagelrito, a “big, bold, and easy to hold” bagel/burrito mash-up that looks as disgusting as it sounds.

The company claims this thing was a smashing success in Denver, CO test markets –for some reason, but this blogger is looking forward to never having to see this thing ever again. Ever.

Taco Mahal Is Coming to New York City, and I’m not Ready for Gandhi-Zapata

Gandhi Zapata wants you to have a Roti Taco, because –really?!

Sources closer to Hell’s Kitchen than me (at least right now) tell me there’s a new, hipster-conceived Mexican-Indian restaurant coming my way.

Called –what else?– Taco Mahal, this fusion eatery promises a “new concept in the realm of delicious tacos” where “the best spices of India collide with the best flavors of Latino America [SIC.]”

I have no idea what any of the above means, but Taco Mahal has been plastering the city with artful collages of Frida-meets-Rigveda / Parvati-Meets-Kahlo. Also, according to a menu posted online, you’ll be able to order stuff such as Roti Tacos or Naan Tacos, which sound just as weird as the below deities blended together.

It’s Indian, you know? but with a taco twist.

Thank God there’s also beer & wine available to wash this thing down; otherwise…

Hat tip: @lechancle

Quincy, Massachusetts Preps ‘Latin-Inspired’ Eatery: Tacos, Nachos, that Kind of Thing…

Pearl & Lime promises food with a Latin flair: Tacos, nachos, guac, that kind of thing…

Residents of Quincy, Massachusetts, are apparently very excited about Pearl & Lime, an upcoming 80-seat restaurant that promises fresh food with a “Latin flair,” targeting the demanding millennial palate.

But what exactly do they mean by Latin flair? Well, I’m glad you asked!

“What people really want is tacos, nachos, guac, that kind of thing,” co-owner Palmer Matthews told The Patriot Ledger in an inexplicably long news article.

But if “tacos, nachos, guac and that kind of thing” is not really your thing, these dudes have also “pulled in the agave spirits and really take creative license with all that Latin inspiration.”

There you have it. Next time you visit Quincy, Massachusetts (because I never will) you’ll have to take some time to visit this place and take a moment to rediscover –and pay homage to– your Latin roots.

¡Salud!

Photo: Quincy Wicked Local

This Beer Wants to Pay Homage to Aguas Frescas –for Some Reason 🙄

Just when you thought marketers couldn’t get any more creative, a new partnership is here to bring us Mural, a “joint homage to the classic agua fresca that also pushes the boundaries of what a beer can be.”

Mural is a joint effort between New Belgium Brewing Company and Mexico-based artisanal beer makers Cervecería Primus and, in what seems to be a very serious description of their product, one learns that:

“In Mexico, agua fresca is everywhere. They’re usually found in street food markets and feature a blend of seasonal fruits. Our cerveza takes inspiration from agua frescas and features hibiscus, agave, watermelon, and lime for a fresh, vibrant sip.”

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to have to pass on this promised vibrant sip. ¡Guácala!

Photo: @LeChancle

Day of the Dead Is the New Cinco de Mayo –and I Can’t Even

Organic yellow corn tortilla chips with typos for Día de Muertos en gringolandia

Come November, there’s one thing that really, really, gets on my nerves (besides pumpkin-spice stuff, of course) and that is America’s obsession with the Mexican tradition known as Día de Muertos (basically Day of the Dead) or as some gringos dare calling it: Mexico’s Halloween.

Anyhow, in an effort to show you I was right when back in 2018 I decided to call Day of the Dead the New Cinco de Mayo, I will be posting here some of the most bizarre/sad/pathetic/senseless examples of what America is doing with one of Mexico’s most beloved traditions.

CLICK THROUGH THE FOLLOWING GALLERY OF HORRORS and be sure to check back as I’ll be updating this thing as soon as new barbaridades come my way…

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I hate to say I told you, but I told you ….

Still Can’t Cut a Damn Avocado? The Flexicado is Here to Help

Undeterred by the imminent danger posed by life-threatening avocados, non-Mexican hipsters simply refuse to give up their fascination with avo-toast (i.e. pan con aguacate) and other nonsensical avo-related things. So, they have come up with a solution…

I give you the Flexicado, an “avocado slicer” that will fit all sizes of avocados and –hopefully– will put an end to avocado-related injuries.

Filing this under #PinchesHipsters

Hat tip: San Francisco avocado correspondent Jessica Dolcourt

Carolina Herrera Vows to Make Sarapes Great Again!

Sarapewear

Move over Michael Kors’ jerga fashion, the next big thing in Mexican-inspired fashion comes courtesy of Carolina Herrera, who is launching her “unique” Mexico-inspired collection.

According to Atlanta-born Wes Gordon, creative director of the Carolina Herrera brand, the 2020 Mexico collection draws its inspiration from the traditional “sarape, embroidered flowers and the cempasúchitl flower to bring to life one of the most vibrant –and visually rich– Carolina Herrera collections.” TRANSLATION: It’s basically another case of ripping off the traditional embroidery and designs of local indigenous peoples.

Please note that the models are NOT inspired on the looks of said indigenous peoples… 

Mexico-Inspired…

Inspiration?

Photo via Vogue México