OK, y’all. For years, Twitter was my favorite (and pretty much only) social media platform, but then Elon came around and broke it (i.e. fucked it up).
Not content with ruining everyting, tonight, on Saturday, Nov. 19, 2022 el pendejo decided to reinstate the other pendejo, so, even if blogging takes longer and costs this blogger more money that it should, I plan to take all my taco –and -non-taco – funny rants here again.
I apologize to my almost 37,000 Twitter followers for the lack of activity over there. I promise I will try to keep the fun here as much as possible. And, yes, while there are no popular hashtags on WordPress, let me get you started on some good ones:
#PincheMusk #PincheTrump #FuckTwitter #RIPTwitter
p.s. If you see this post pop up on your Twitter feed, it is because I have an automated feature set up for this so you can (hopefully) come visit, and not because I’m back on this hell hole again.
Come November, there’s one thing that really, really, gets on my nerves (besides pumpkin-spice stuff, of course) and that is America’s obsession with the Mexican tradition known as Día de Muertos (basically Day of the Dead) or as some here dare calling it: Mexico’s Halloween.
Got extra $40 and no shame? I got the perfect thing for you!
The Nostalgia Taco Tuesday Heated Lazy Susan Topping Bar is a fun way to get together on Taco Tuesday and share hideous, non-taco tacos with your friends. The set costs “only” $39.99 (plus shipping) and promises to hold as much plasticky, fake Mexican food you can imagine!
According to its creators, this thing’s Lazy Susan Design “makes it easy to share across the table” and features a “removable warming pot and topping trays.”
Heck, there’s even a video showing how a “timeless tradition has been made more convenient.”
It’s already that time of the year when –not content with punishing this blogger with a pandemic, a white supremacist attempted coup, frigid temperatures *and* plenty avocado-hipster nonsense– the people behind Avocados From Mexico are once again reminding me of the upcoming, pandemic Super Bowl –and all I need to know about gringo guacamole.
Enter the 2021 Avocados From Mexico’s Guac Bowl, a “digital experience” where people obsessed with avocados can learn all sorts of things, including how to keep their avocados fresh longer for game day, and get rewards from buying avocados and other weird stuff.
Hosted by Troy Aikman and sportscaster Erin Andrews, the Guac Bowl digital experience also offers participants the chance to win “limited-time only avocado gear and weekly prizes of $1,000, as well as the opportunity to enter to win the grand prize of $1 million.”
Not content with having desecrated tacos, quesadillas and the like, Taco Bell has its eyes on destroying yet another one of this blogger’s favorite things: Alcoholic beverages.
Turns out the ubiquitous American “food” chain is launching Jalapeño Noir, a new red wine to pair with your Cheesy Chalupa, because… WHY THE HELL NOT?
Fortunately for this blogger, this thing is only being released in Canada and is tied to Taco Bell Canada’s introduction of the new Toasted Cheesy Chalupa [don’t ask.] Per an unnecessarily long press release: “The new chalupa variation features six-month aged sharp cheddar cheese toasted onto the iconic chalupa shell to create a crispy blanket of flavour and texture” which should pair well with “notes of wild strawberry, cherry and beetroot in this silky limited-edition red wine.”
Speaking of culturally-relevant things… there’s a Veggie Taco Plush Set, which for “only” $49 promises to educate your child on the goodness that naturally comes with tacos, including some packets of questionable salsa; slices of avocado and even some cilantro to sprinkle here and there.
According to the description on the Kidrobot webside, the Victorio Veggie Taco Plush set, “zips open to reveal the whole happy musical gang including backup singers Celia, Sylvia, and Sam Cilantro, Alejandro & Abigail Avocado on the strings, the Tambourine Tomato Twins, the hottest drummer in Yummy World Larry the Hot Sauce Packet and of course the infamous Bean Brothers on the horns.”
Move over $30-dollar Taco Toaster, here comes a less expensive, even more outrageous contraption to make what Americans think is a taco. I give you the … $22-dollar Made in California Taco Toaster, a plastic/metal mold thingy to hold your “taco” in place while you put it in a toaster –for some reason.
Worse than looking at this thing is reading the description of what it is and what it promises:
Creating a well-executed taco is an artform: salty black beans with sweet onions, blistery red peppers and corn, spicy guacamole, cooling Cotija–and best of all–a crunchy shell you can pile all this goodness into. This petite gadget lets you make crispy taco shells at home in your toaster, without any of the added oil like the ones you’d find in the grocery store.
As if I didn’t have enough bad news these days, someone just mentioned Cauliflower, a Los Angeles-based company determined to “reinvent our favorite foods” with healthier options, including cauliflower rice, cauliflower chips and cauliflower pizza dough.
While I couldn’t care less about what they do to rice and pizza, they’re now proudly peddling the ¡Viva Cauliflower Tortilla! apparently because people really really needed a grain-free, cauliflower tortilla to wrap God knows what in them.
“Caulipower’s mission is to listen to what people want,” Gail Becker, founder and CEO of Caulipower, told Baking Business. “Like pizza, tortillas are beloved, versatile and a natural fit for us to create a better-for-you option.”
Listen, Gail, I’m sure you’re all healthy and all that, but who are you to say this is a better-for-me option? Last time I checked, my better-for-me-option was a deliciously greasy set of carnitas wrapped in –what else?– a double corn tortilla.
Besides, if you really really want a healthy meal, just go squash some cauliflower and roll things inside it, but don’t call these things tortillas if you don’t want me to throw a fit.
Starting Thursday, Feb. 27 and until the deadly coronavirus takes us all (hopefully soon) Einstein Bros. Bagels will start selling the Bagelrito, a “big, bold, and easy to hold” bagel/burrito mash-up that looks as disgusting as it sounds.
The company claims this thing was a smashing success in Denver, CO test markets –for some reason, but this blogger is looking forward to never having to see this thing ever again. Ever.
Sources closer to Hell’s Kitchen than me (at least right now) tell me there’s a new, hipster-conceived Mexican-Indian restaurant coming my way.
Called –what else?– Taco Mahal, this fusion eatery promises a “new concept in the realm of delicious tacos” where “the best spices of India collide with the best flavors of Latino America [SIC.]”
I have no idea what any of the above means, but Taco Mahal has been plastering the city with artful collages of Frida-meets-Rigveda / Parvati-Meets-Kahlo. Also, according to a menu posted online, you’ll be able to order stuff such as Roti Tacos or Naan Tacos, which sound just as weird as the below deities blended together.
It’s Indian, you know? but with a taco twist.
Thank God there’s also beer & wine available to wash this thing down; otherwise…
Residents of Quincy, Massachusetts, are apparently very excited about Pearl & Lime, an upcoming 80-seat restaurant that promises fresh food with a “Latin flair,” targeting the demanding millennial palate.
But what exactly do they mean by Latin flair? Well, I’m glad you asked!
“What people really want is tacos, nachos, guac, that kind of thing,” co-owner Palmer Matthews told The Patriot Ledger in an inexplicably long news article.
But if “tacos, nachos, guac and that kind of thing” is not really your thing, these dudes have also “pulled in the agave spirits and really take creative license with all that Latin inspiration.”
There you have it. Next time you visit Quincy, Massachusetts (because I never will) you’ll have to take some time to visit this place and take a moment to rediscover –and pay homage to– your Latin roots.
Some company in Texas wants you to celebrate the holidays with the ultimate Latin-inspired treat: Cinnamon crisp “mini-buñuelos,” which are not only cooked in 100% avocado oil, but are also paleo, vegan and gluten free… Just like the ones my abuela used to make! –NOT.
Just when you thought marketers couldn’t get any more creative, a new partnership is here to bring us Mural, a “joint homage to the classic agua fresca that also pushes the boundaries of what a beer can be.”
Mural is a joint effort between New Belgium Brewing Company and Mexico-based artisanal beer makers Cervecería Primus and, in what seems to be a very serious description of their product, one learns that:
“In Mexico, agua fresca is everywhere. They’re usually found in street food markets and feature a blend of seasonal fruits. Our cerveza takes inspiration from agua frescas and features hibiscus, agave, watermelon, and lime for a fresh, vibrant sip.”
Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to have to pass on this promised vibrant sip. ¡Guácala!
Undeterred by the imminent danger posed by life-threatening avocados, non-Mexican hipsters simply refuse to give up their fascination with avo-toast (i.e. pan con aguacate) and other nonsensical avo-related things. So, they have come up with a solution…
I give you the Flexicado, an “avocado slicer” that will fit all sizes of avocados and –hopefully– will put an end to avocado-related injuries.