Well, Parisians have outdone themselves and are going all in with the whole We-Too-Can-Make-Original-Tacos.
Introducing O’Tacos, “Original French Tacos” that you get to make yourself, or so I can surmise from their logo featuring something that looks like La Pyramide de Louvre — or a tortilla chip, I’m really not sure.
Anyhow, as any pompous French would tell you: C’est quoi ce truc?
Well, get ready for more Despacito-infused news: A priest at a local church in Córdoba, Argentina, has decided to give his dominical sermon a Fonsi-Daddy-Yankee spin, by making attendees chant and dance to the tune of — what else? — Despacito!
The reason? Simply because THE END is near and we’re all going to hell. (Despacito, but we’re on our way.)
Salma Hayek (right, of course, duh!) plays a Mexican professional whom everyone assumes is part of the wait staff
I have not seen this thing, since it is set to premiere on June 9, but judging from the official trailer; the many (way too many) pics posted by Salma Hayek on Instagram and even a film review by the [failing] New York Times, Beatriz at Dinner is poised to become the American film of the Trumpian era par excellence.
The reason? It features “a pompous billionaire facing off with a Mexican professional woman whom everyone assumes she is part of the wait staff. (As if that hasn’t happened to all of us!)
Anyhow, stay tuned as this blogger will do her best to get a free ticket to this thing. Yes, I said “free,” because as you can imagine, being Mexican and all, I couldn’t possibly shell out $15 for a Hollywood movie — even if a paisana stars on it.
Enrique Iglesias (aka Henry Churches) rocked the Telemundo Upfront party Monday night
May is my favorite month of the year, and not only because it is my birthday, and spring is blooming and all that crap. It is because in addition to the very serious journalistic work I do everyday, I get to attend some of the presentations, parties and after-parties around the so-called Hispanic TV upfronts.
My favorite part, of course, is trying to cover the not-so-serious side of the three-day-marathon of parties, parties and programming presentations, interviews and business meetings.
Here are some highlights of this year’s Hispanic TV upfronts, which have left this blogger (and her liver) particularly damaged.
CNN en Español: Eñes, Eñes Everywhere!
* Hispanic TV Upfront week officially kicked off with a small, but lively party in New York City hosted by CNN en Español, which insists on putting an eñe on its logo, even though it looks silly and makes no sense whatsoever. This time around, though, the “eñe-offender” made its way to pillows, cookies and chocolates, because why have pass the opportunity to amplify the silliness?
The ‘zucker’ ran away before I could ask him a question
Personally, the highlight of this year’s CÑÑ’s presentation was non other than Jeff Zucker, the mero merojefe of CNN (sans eñe,) who kicked off the event by addressing the audience in a moderately good Spanish.
Needless to say, this blogger did her best to run after him as soon as he stepped off the thing and tried to ask him who had coached him in the language of Cervantes. Alas, I have to report Mr. Zucker runs way faster than me!
Telemundo
Unlike previous years, Telemundo did not host its own upfront presentation, but was a small part of a much bigger event by parent company NBCU at Radio City Hall. But in an effort to make it up to the many people it didn’t invite to Radio City Hall (ahem, ahem, self,) it treated hundreds of advertising executives, media — and me, of course — to a lavish party Monday night featuring Enrique Iglesias (also known as The-Singer-That-Makes-This-Blogger-Feel-Like-a-Cougar.)
As usual, right before the event I was able to squeeze past security and reach the so-called VIP area of the Hammerstein Ballroom, where I spotted my friend José Díaz Balart chatting with former Univision star Mario Kreutzberger (aka Don Francisco) who is making a TV comeback on Telemundo — for some reason.
It is important to note there was some kind of “wall” between me and the celebrities, but nothing a crafty Mexican couldn’t get through.
Univision’s ‘Proof of Passion’
Univision’s theme for its 2017 Upfront presentation was “Proof of Passion,” a celebration of the things that Hispanics are so passionate about, namely soccer, family and dancing! Yes, there was the usual stuff about how much my people (i.e. The Hispanics) love soccer, their family and all that jazz. But there were also some fun jabs at Telemundo’s own theme, SHIFT, which Univision simply dismissed as just “a crock of shift.”
“We’ve heard how there’s some kind of shift happening,” said Steve Mandala, Univision’s executive vicepresident of ad sales. “That is a crock of shift.”
LOL.
Univision’s presentation closed with Shakira performing two songs. TWO SONGS, after which she just simply wished us all well and walked away.
Oh and did I mention how RUDE and awful it was for Univision to forgo its lavish luncheon that had become a legend in town? Come on, Randy Falco, that luncheon was literally the only thing that made this blogger get her Latina butt moving and stand the horrors of Times Square.
Are you telling me Univision finances are so bad that you couldn’t afford the spiced pollo of last year? SAD!
‘People en Español’s’ Beautiful Latinos
‘People en Español’s’ Armando Correa insisted so much, that I had to attend his thing
No Hispanic TV upfront would be complete without the funnest party of them all: The People en Español’s 50 Más Bellos bash, an annual ritual for me — and 50 other beautiful Latinos.
This year, the party took place at ESPACE NY, and – unlike previous years – it was much smaller, and the room looked kind of empty at times. On the bright side, it was easier to harass famous, beautiful Latin people and refill my champagne glass way faster than in years before.
Other than me, other beautiful people who showed up included.
María Elena Salinas, looking sharp as ever and drinking tons of water (which is what I should have done)
Thalía, who received an special award for being the Latina that has been featuring more times in the special Bellos issue….
Thalía has appeared more times in the “coveted” Bellos list. Me, on the other hand…
David Chocarro, who was seen posing near some skincare products, but could have used a comb instead…
… and Lili Estefan, Raúl de Molina, Geraldine Bazán, Gabriel Soto and many, many more famous Latinos whose name I couldn’t really catch after all those liters of … Seltzer water.
Anyhow, everything ended up smoothly and this blogger was able to go back home in one piece, blessed by a beautiful Manhattan night.
Unlimited Chapo is brought to you by Univision and AT&T
In yet another sign that Hispanic television is determined to “superserve its audience with relevant programming,” Univision Communications has partnered with AT&T to bring us — are you ready? — El Chapo Ilimitado! (Unlimited Chapo,) a weekly Facebook Live series that “serves as a forum for fans to discuss new episodes of El Chapo, a new crime television series co-produced by Netflix and Univision.
El Chapo Ilimitado (which I’m sure is a wink to AT&T’s unlimited data plans, duh) is hosted by Univision personalities Lourdes Stephen and Carlos Calderón, who show an extraordinary disposition to look cheerful — and fun! — while discussing one of Mexico’s most sanguinary drug dealers every single week.
Per a company press release, this thing is streamed via Facebook Live on Univision’s Facebook page Sunday evenings at 10 p.m. immediately following the premiere of new episodes.
Say what you will, but Hispanic TV will never cease to depress amuse this blogger.
Avocado Hand is no joking matter. Just ask Meryl Streep.
OKAY, people, stop doing whatever it is you are doing right now. A potentially devastating malaise known as Avocado Hand is affecting an increasing number of non-Mexican people, specifically those who have no idea how to cut an avocado, namely Americans and Brits.
According to the always reliable Daily Mail, the number of people visiting the emergency room suffering from “avocado hand” knife injuries is on the rise. But… how bad exactly is this thing? Well, it is so bad it once got none other than Meryl Streep, who famously required hand surgery after cutting her fingers while preparing a delish guacamole.
The problem is not limited to America, no señor. London-based plastic surgeon Simon Eccles told The Times that he sees about four patients a week now suffering with wounds caused by trying to cut an avocado, because — shockingly — there are avocados in London.
Fortunately, they are plenty of resources out there for you not to end up in the emergency room with a bunch of avocado-clueless anglos. There are even guides and fancy gadgets for you to master your avocado grip.
To wit…
and….
So, get yourself together and don’t say I didn’t warn you….
Speaking of awesome Cinco de Mayo marketing ideas, a bar in California decided it was a great idea to celebrate the faux Mexican holiday by offering … fake green cards to drunken patrons willing to climb an inflatable border wall.
Wait. What?
According to the always reliable Gustavo Arellano, Hennessey’s Tavern, in Dana Point, California thought it was idea to build a “wall” and offer patrons willing to climb it a “green card,” which would not actually grant them legal status, but get them a free drink, because nothing says “fun” as drunken gringos wearing sombreros and climb walls, you know?
It looks like the promotion — and several videos associated with the stunt — have all been deleted from the bar’s Instagram account, and the establishment in question has since apologized. But, hey, haven’t these people heard about screenshots *and* pesky bloggers?
Despite the hype — and much anticipation — Donald Trump proved to be a real disappointment this week in Mexico.
And no, I’m not talking about the dimwit who sits in the Oval Office, but of another kind of burro: an adorable donkey who failed to even make it to the finals at the Annual Festival del Burro in Otumba, Mexico.
According to my always reliable sources (i.e. the Internet,) Donald Trump was the most hated among the 50 donkeys that took place in the bizarre competition. The reason?
The discomfort towards what Donald Trump represents caused that many attendees to the fair did not even want to vote for him […]
Well, I guess you can say anything about those pesky Mexicans, but they seem to know better when it comes to cast their vote.
My people (i.e. The Mexicans) have concocted the “Gobernador Unicornio Taco,” which can be prepared with shrimp or marlin and can be yours for only a few pesitos at La Cahua del Yeyo, a local seafood restaurant in — where else? — Tijuana.
The big news this week coming from the always brilliant Republicans is The Chapo Act, a proposal by — who else? — Cuban American dimwit Ted Cruz to have Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán to pay for a border wall.
But why? Well, because you don’t know this but El Chapo has many, many monies; more specifically, $14 billion in what look like beautifully crafted bills featuring his bald mugshot.
Here’s the original tweet sent out earlier this week by Cruz himself, just so you can see how hard it would be to make this sh*t up!
Every single year, for as long as I can remember, American corporations do their best to step up their Cinco de Mayo game by launching one ridiculous thing after the other one. Every. Single. Time.
This year, the contenders for this blog’s Stupidest Cinco de Mayo Marketing Effort Award include Fleming’s Prime Steakhouse, a California eatery that will celebrate the nonsensical, American-made “Mexican holiday” with a $100 margarita.
Sí, señor. One hundred dolaritos for a pinche margarita, which features “premium liquor, including Tequila Herradura Selección Suprema and Grand Marnier Centenaire.”
But wait. How does a mix of Herradura and Grand Marnier justify such a high price? I’m glad you asked!
According to an unnecessarily long press release, the $100 margarita “is served in Baccarat’s uniquely designed Diamant Highball, and guests will be invited to take home the glass in Baccarat’s iconic red box.”
Working in tech has its perks, including getting outrageous pitches in your Inbox that will make you go WHAT?!
Enter, Camsoda, a new entertainment/webcam platform that prides itself of being “the first-ever adult language-learning service that combines multilingual cam models and cutting edge translation technology to make learning a new language fun and sensual.”
I am going to spare you the graphic details, but if you’re so inclined in taking up a super sensual language, say Spanish, you can head over here.
Oh, and by the way: What if we, the ladies, want to learn a language too? Where are the hot machos?
Hard-shell tacos, not dinosaurs, should be extinct.
Move over, plastic taco-truck. Here comes the TriceraTACO, a machine-washable, plastic dinosaur that will hold your hard-shell disgusting tacos for only $13! Please note that given its shape and size, this thing will only hold those things Americans insist on calling a “taco” and will never be suited for a decent al pastor…
Tony Boloney’s, an eatery in — where else? — Hoboken, NJ, has concocted The Taco Pizza, an abomination made of queso Oaxaca, carne asada chipotle and a “solid heaping of cheese on top of pizza dough.”
Keep reading on the link below. I’m going to go throw up.
Marco de la O is ‘El Chapo’ in Univision upcoming series
It is not a secret that Univision ratings are tanking, and its telenovelas are no longer as popular as they once were. So the gigantic, media company is trying something a bit more risqué: A dramatic series about — what else? — El Chapo, Mexico’s most notorious drug lord, currently serving time (and learning English) in a Brooklyn prison.
The role of El Chapo will be played by Marco de la O, an actor this blogger had never heard of before and one that looks a bit more like a mustachioed version of Jim Carrey, if you asked me.
But I digress. The upcoming series is only the latest example of Hispanic television’s obsession with Latin American drug lords, which might be a pest to society, but provide TV outlets with sweet, coveted ratings.
El Chapo will premiere in the U.S. on Univision on April 23 and this blogger will be watching — of course.
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