Gringos Launch English-language Telenovela Featuring Univision-Size Boobs

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A Bay Area’s news station, Kron, this week announced the launch of Hacienda Heights, a weekly telenovela that will premiere Dec. 3. The new show, say its creators, features an all Hispanic cast in an English-language soap opera. Per a news release:

The story is about the trials and tribulations of the families in the fast growing city of Hacienda Heights. The conflicts that arise between the political, wealthy and the working middle class families are universal and extremely current in today’s world. The stories are rich and are portrayed fantastically by its talented cast.

I’m not sure if the weekly series will be able to compete with Univision’s highly successful telenovelas. But at least they seem to be casting actresses with the right amount of breasts talent, including Bibiana Navas (top) and Tara Ciabattoni.

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Queen Sofía of Spain Wants you to Know She’s not Really into the Gay Thing

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As if having a rubber-made version of the Infanta Leonor weren’t enough, Spaniards now have a yet more interesting way to amuse themselves.

The Queen Up Close, the best-selling book by Spaniard writer Pilar Urbano, has given them a very close look at the queen’s views on everything from gay rights and abortion to black presidents and Fidel Castro. Among my personal favorites:

“I respect other people’s different sexual orientations but I don’t understand why they should feel proud to be gay.”

“That they [the gay people] get up on floats and parade in the streets? If all of us who are not gay were to parade in the streets, we’d halt the traffic in every city.”

“I am so happy for Obama. It’s always good to see that a black guy can make it that far.”

In all honesty, I wouldn’t mind the traffic… I’d love to see her and her Royal familia atop a float on non-Gay Parade showcasing their heterosexual pride.

God bless la madre patria!

Photo: via the NYT

Want to Beat the Crap out of an Immigrant? Make sure to Target the “Right” One

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Hat tip to my friend Gabriel Sama for forwarding this CNN story about the $2.5 million awarded to a Kentucky teenager who was severely beaten by members of the Ku Kux Klan because they thought he was an illegal Latino immigrant. Per CNN:

The jury found that the Imperial Klans of America and its founder wrongfully targeted 16-year-old Jordan Gruver, an American citizen of Panamanian and Native-American descent.

The key here is the “wrongfully targeted” part… Because, of course, had he been actually an illegal Latino immigrant, he would have been “rightfully targeted.”

You can Never Have Enough Hispanic Dolls

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amd_maruJust when you thought there were enough Latino-themed dolls out there, a new Hispanic babe known simply as Maru, has made her U.S. debut. But, unlike certain others and according to her creators, she has it no easy down here. 

This little Hispanic girl has to leave her loved ones behind to travel to the United States, a foreign place where she doesn’t understand the language, says The Daily News.

So don’t be fooled by the cashmere scarf, skirt, tights, hat and matching purse with boots; this 21-inch sweetie was born in some far away place and has probably been smuggled here by some sleazy pollero. Hopefully, at $95 apiece, she might be able to send some cash home or, who knows, even pay to have the familia join her.

Spain’s Infanta Leonor Gets Own Rubber Doll. Looks Creepier than the Original

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Move over, Barbie doll, here’s the newest, hottest toy for this holiday season: a 45-centimeter version of Spain’s 3-year-old Infanta Leonor (neé Leonor de Todos los Santos de Borbón Ortiz), which according to its creators has a “soft” body (“es blandita”), with arms and legs made of rubber and is wearing a replica of the uniform at the Santa María de los Rosales pre-school.

A truly royal Cabbage Patch. Anyone says yo quiero una?

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Via: 20minutos.es

We Missed Jenni Rivera on the Green Binder

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jenni_rivera_031carpeta-icono4Hours before the Latin Grammys kicked off in Houston, Texas, banda singer Jenni Rivera told Raúl de Molina in an interview that she wouldn’t be walking the green carpet that night, because we guess she didn’t want to be asked about her porn tape… except, she didn’t really say that. What she actually said was:

“Esta noche no voy a caminar por la carpeta verde.”

Good for you, Jenny! What’s the point of walking on a binder, regardless its color?

The Latin Grammys’ Reading Challenge is Here!

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grammy11I might be getting old, but after several failed attempts, I simply could not get past the first paragraph of the latest press release about this week’s Latin Grammy extravaganza. So I am hereby offering $5 pesos to those who manage to read the following sentence out loud and without suffering from a long-continued spasmodic contraction of the diaphragm. Here it is:

SANTA MONICA, Calif., Nov. 11 /PRNewswire-HISPANIC PR WIRE/ — 12-time Latin GRAMMY(R) winner and current five-time nominee Juanes and five-time GRAMMY(R) winner John Legend will join together for a special performance, while three-time GRAMMY winner, Latin GRAMMY winner, current three-time nominee, and 2008 Latin Recording Academy Person of the Year Gloria Estefan will perform with six-time GRAMMY winner Jose Feliciano and 10-time GRAMMY and three-time Latin GRAMMY winner Carlos Santana on the 9th Annual Latin GRAMMY Awards telecast, it was announced today by The Latin Recording Academy(R).

(You get a bonus point if you tell me, without re-reading of course, how many GRAMMYS and Latin GRAMMYS the above make up altogether.)

Hairless Peruvian on its Way to the White House

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Hispanics would do just about anything to get our people close to the circles of power. And that is exactly why Peru is offering to donate a very special puppy to the Obama family.

The creature being offered for donation is the national dog of Peru, a hairless breed, which despite its freaky look is hypoallergenic, which the Obamas said is a must for the next First Puppy.

Claudia Galvez, president of the Association of Friends of Hairless Peruvian Dogs in Lima reported that tomorrow she will send a letter to the Peruvian Embassy in Washington, D.C., to inquire if the new president is ready to give shelter to a symbol of Peru.

I really hope the new president will accept such kind offer. When you think of it, the gesture might very well signal his willingness to embrace Hispanics and make us a part of the new administration.

Too bad it’s not a xoloescuintle, but you know what they say: beggars can’t be choosers.

Need a Job? Just Say You’re Mexican!

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sombreroThe country’s job market has reached such levels of sophistication, that in order to get work, non-Mexicans are pretending to be, well, Mexicans.

Such was the case of El Salvador-born Juan Carlos Rivera, who this week shared with the San Francisco Chronicle a trick to getting work as a dishwasher.

In his best Mexican Spanish, the Salvadoran asked: “Tienen trabajo?” (Do you have work?); when asked where he was born, he swallowed his pride and answered: Puebla, Mexico.

According to the story, life in Southern California is less complicated as a Mexican, and fitting in is easier. So there you have it. In these uncertain economic times, brush up on your “Mexican” Spanish; grow a bigote, pepper your conversations with lots of güey remarks and join the thousands of happy employed Mexicans!

HBO Ad Gives Spanish-language a Rabbit Punch

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How many mistakes can you make in a 48-word print advertising?

The answer is: Plenty. Check out this full-page ad taken from the December issue of People en Español. And pardon the quality of this photo (I still cannot afford a scanner!)

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Here are some hints for you: 1. Todo los dias. 2) Empenzado. 3) Octobre. 4) Deciembre 5) Antes de ellos entrar.

You would think that someone who can afford a full-page ad in the country’s largest Spanish-language magazine, would be able spare a few dollars copy-editing this thing. (Pssst: talk to me, You might be able to afford me… and I might be able to finally get a scanner!)

Police Halts Fiesta Involving World’s Largest Piñata

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Marketers never stop crafting innovative ways to attract the attention of the media (and of idle bloggers like yours truly). This time it was the turn of Carnival Cruise Lines, which this weekend broke a Guiness record by building the world’s largest piñata, holding over 8,000 pounds of candy!

According to an onsite Guinness adjudicator, the giant mock donkey measured 60 feet, 4 inches long; 23 feet, 10.5 inches wide and 61 feet, 10.25 inches tall.

Alas, the original plan to tear down the six-story beast with a wrecking ball was halted by the Philadelphia police for “safety reasons,” leaving hundreds of attendees very disappointed.

Well, I guess all they have to do is keep the giant burro in the closest storage. I am sure it will come in handy next Cinco de Mayo.