Queen Noor of Jordan, Now Queen of Telmex?

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queenQueen Noor of Jordan, the U.S. born, 57-year-old widow of the late King Hussein of Jordan, is reportedly dating H.M. Carlos Slim, King of Telmex, Prince of Sanborn’s and Count of the many-many dollars.

According to Spain’s Semana magazine, the two are an item and have been seen globe-trotting in super luxurious planes and automobiles.

“Carlos Slim and Noor of Jordan just spent a few days at the Villas of Cap Cana in Dominican Republic. Before that, the pair was seeing globe-trotting around Spain, Sweden, Italy and Colorado,” said a nameless source, whom we really want to believe because this is a great story!

At last! After centuries of borrowing news and gossip from somebody else’s royalty, Mexicans now boast our very own royal couple. [Sigh]

(The tons of money the two must be saving in all those calls between Mexico City and Amman…)

Introducing the iPray. For the Busy Devout in You

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With this portable electronic rosary player, all you have to do is push a button to be able to pray the rosary in only 26 minutes: You can pray while you walk, cook, drive or rest. Yes, you can. And it’s only like, four easy payments of $240 pesos each*.

“I don’t have to go to church anymore. My granddaughter gave me this little thing and it’s really wonderful,” says one happy user.

“This is like praying with the Virgin herself,” adds another one –who goes by the name of Karolina Preciado Domit.

So, what are you waiting for? (Hurry! the peso has just devalued another 50% against the U.S. dollar, so this gadget is truly a bargain.)

*No incluye baterías. Los resultados pueden variar. No se garantizan milagros. No incluye cuentitas.

Yo Soy [Too Fat and Dumb to Join] el Army

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uncle_samEver wondered why Hispanics are underrepresented in the U.S. military? Well, according to Rand Corporation, a California think tank, it’s simply because we are fat -and not very bright at school.

The report said about 75 percent of Hispanics overall are high school graduates compared to 85 percent of whites, and Hispanics are on average 10 pounds heavier than whites.

But Latinos should not despair: Rand is making some suggestions to change all this, including easing weight requirements and instead measuring recruits’ strength, among other options. “You can have a large bone structure but still be very strong and effective,” the report’s author tells the Houston Chronicle. (No word on the poor scores, though.)

In the meantime, if you are still looking for the right career path, you might want to check out working for La Migra, apparently the only hiring institution in these tough times.

Gringos Push English-Only. Tamaulipas Goes Bilingual

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englishs2While U.S. legislators in several states are trying to pass English-only policies, the Mexican state of Tamaulipas is going bilingual, mandating that all children learn English, as well as Spanish. The reason?

Tamaulipas state authorities told The Guardian the pilot program “will break down language barriers and create opportunities.” Because, you know, that’s what knowing another language is supposed to do.

This, however, doesn’t seem to be the case at New Jersey’s Vineland High School, which recently handed out a “Classroom Protocol Contract” stating: “This is an English speaking school and classroom — any other language other than English will not be tolerated.”

(Why, I wonder, are the rest of us supposed to tolerate monolingualism?)

‘Huffington Post’ Launches Mexico News Channel. Sizzles with Drugs and Kidnapping Stories

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picture-2It’s always nice when your country gets the attention it deserves. So I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the Huffington Post has added a Mexico channel, because, as its editors say: “Some News are so Big it Needs its own Page.”

The news is indeed so big, that you’ll find an assorted variety of articles about drug wars, drug lords, drug gangs, drug kidnappings, drug killings, drug zars and drug beauty queens.

(Oh, did I mention there are also some stories about plain drugs?)

Because, you know, nothing else seems to be happenging down there.

[Click on the photo on the left to read more Mexican stories.]

This Valentine’s Day Don’t Forget to Pick Up your Latino-Themed Teddy Bear

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papichulo_b2Wondering what Latinos are planning to do with our trillion dollars worth of purchasing power?… We’re buying Latin-themed teddy bears!

Looking to tap into our allegedly HUGE economic potential (even if most of us are out of work) the Vermont Teddy Bear Company not only has launched a Spanish-language Web site, but is now pitching its very own Hispanic-targeted teddy bears, because -you know- Latinos love to give each other Latin-themed gifts.

“In addition to our line of over 100 bears for hobbies, occupations, sports and Valentine’s Day, we developed a Mamacita Bear, Papi Chulo, El Amante with an AMOR tattoo, a Te Amo bear and a Latin Lover bear,” Irene Steiner, marketing manager for Vermont Teddy Bear, told Portada magazine.

Alas, these bundles of furry, Latin joy don’t come cheap: Osita mamacita sells for as much as $69.95, while leather pant-wearing Latin Lover (my personal favorite) is “only” $79.95. But that’s OK, I guess. We’ve got the love… and the dough!

Google Search Says Hispanics = Illegals

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Looking for Hispanic stuff on the net? Google gives surfers all kinds of options, from creating an email alert for the term “hispanic” to the possibility of subscribing to a news feed for “hispanic” in Google Reader.

Oh, and just in case, your search comes complete with automated, related topics to the word “Hispanic,” including illegal and, of course, Bill Richardson. Why not?

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An Eggcellent Way to Start your Morning

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One of the very few things I like about touristic places is the joy of ordering my food from a bilingual menu, where Huevos al gusto (eggs any style) magically become What eggs do you like, and huevos estrellados are turned a round natural, as was the case in Yucatán’s Sacbé restaurant.

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Others, like yet another Yucatán eatery (below), have a simpler take on things, and offer you the opportunity to enjoy a good plate of Eggs off your choice.

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Looking for a Job? Hurry! the Migra is Hiring

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burritosThis country might be in the middle of an economic slump, but job seekers shouldn’t worry: the U.S. Customs and Border Patrol Protection is looking to hire 11,000 people this year! According to the agency’s guidelines, the job has a starting salary range of about $35,000 to $45,000, depending on qualifications, but you can be bumped up to around $55,000 in about two years (given you catch lots of mexicanos along the way.)

“We have gone through unprecedented expansion in the last several years. We need additional folks,” CBP’s spokesperson Tara Dunlop told AP.

All trainees are required to learn Spanish, although there’s nothing against heavy-accented people. Perhaps Melody Morales will want to give it a try?

Here’s is Why I Can’t Find a Job in Manhattan

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If you follow New York City media, I’m sure you are now familiar with the plight of Melody Morales, who  is suing Manhattans’ Hawaiian Tropic eatery for alleged discrimination. Their crime? Despite Morales’ “stunning figure” and her being really comfy wearing a bikini at work, she was refused a job for not “speaking white.”

“I don’t want to brag, but I look great in a bikini. I have great curves, tits, and just love to dress sexy,” the half Puerto Rican half Dominican told El Diario La Prensa. Alas, the hiring manager wanted none of that, saying her Latino accent would only ruin his business.

See? I always knew having an accent was going to hamper my chances of going to places in the U.S. And that is why I’m not rushing to send in my resume to Hawaiian Tropic (even if they are hiring… and they’re, like, a few blocks from home. Damn it!)

Go to Mexico. Get Mugged. We’ve Got you Covered!

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Wanna go to Mexico but cannot afford to lose all your dinerito at the hands of some very mean people? Worry no more: the Melbourne, Australia branch of STA Travel has a plan for you. For only $2.60 a day, you can insure your trip to Mexico; enjoy the thrills of being mugged and bring back some cool stories to tell your friends. And with all the extra savings, you may even be able to afford a gun.

(And you thought Mexico was only about beaches, mariachis, tequila and big-breasted mexicanas. Shame on you!)

Photo: Ballardian

Change You Cannot Believe In

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So much for the Inauguration euphoria. I woke up Wed. January 21st, ready to take in the long-promised Change. So I took a stroll around the White House’s Web site, where I hoped to find a comprehensive, all-inclusive Spanish-language page by clicking on the En Español link.

Alas, all I could find was four short biographies of Barack, Michelle, Joe and Jill, telling me for instance that Obama es el cuadragésimo cuarto presidente de EE.UU.

Could it be that they haven’t found a documented Spanish speaker in the Washington D.C. area? Perhaps Mrs. Obama’s Cuban designer can lend a helping hand. 

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Hat tip to Gabriel Sama

Dear Obama: Minority Kids Have a Dream Too

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It’s only hours before inauguration, and while Obama might be busy moving into the White House and dining with VIPs, he would be well advised to pause for a second and give Hispanic children a chance. Per Jory John’s OpEd piece in the New York Times, a mostly Hispanic crowd of little ones were invited to write a letter to the president elect to share their thoughts, hopes and advice to Mr. Obama.

There were, of course, lots of memorable requests (“Dear Mr. Obama: You look too skinny, you should eat more food”) but my favorite one came from 9-year-old Chad Timsing, of Los Angeles, who wrote:

Dear President Obama,

Could you help my family to get housecleaning jobs? I hope you will be a great president. If I were president, I would help all nations, even Hawaii. President Obama, I think you could help the world.

Could he? I’m sure there’s a lot of cleaning to be done at the White House.

Photo: The New York Times