Wondering Where I am?

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OK, Ok… I am NOT the chic in the picture, nor could I ever sport such a figure (especially not after gulping down my Latino-themed mango yogurt and not eating enough tomatillos.) But if you look past Miss Guatemala here, you might be able to see a volcano and Lake (Atitlán), where I’ll be spending the next few weeks days.

Ah… the wonders of freelancing!

So don’t expect too much update on this blog. In addition, who knows if they have Internet down there. (Sorry, that was my superiority complex stupidity talking.)

But if you get bored and don’t feel like contemplating this Guatemalan passage forever, you can always visit my archives, and keep raising hell with the Absolut hate-mongers.

I’ll be back when my quetzales run out, which will be like, whenever, who knows?

My Latino-Themed Yogurt Tasted Only Like Fruit

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Driving back from Poughkeepsie the other day (no, I didn’t go there looking for the now infamous Sex & The City pudding) I stopped by at a road store, where I spotted this Latino-themed delicacy.

Intrigued, I bought it immediately, hoping to find myself savoring the very taste of my Latin roots while being transported to some isla bonita dancing to the tune of some local locos…

Alas, this thing tasted only like mango. And now I find myself struggling to burn the 170 calories, 15 calories from fat and 33 grams of sugar my Latino-yogurt experience. Perhaps, Dr. Manny’s Latin diet can help this time. We’ll see.

Grab your Sombreros! We’re Off to Beijing

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What’s the point of bitching about stereotypes when everybody knows that the first thing a Mexican athlete packs before going to the Olympics is a sombrero?

Yes, my friends. This is the official garb of the 81 athletes who will represent Mexico in the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, and who this morning heard a clear warning from Felipe Muñoz, the President of the Mexican Olympic Committee:

“This is a great responsibility. All the country will be observant of what you do. You must be careful with what you say, we have to think twice what we say, what we do,” cautioned Mr. Muñoz.

What he did not tell them, though, was NOT to wear their sombrero while riding horses, playing football, doing aquatics, archery or kayaking.

Damn it! That’s precisely why we never win anything at the Olympics. Ever.

Beware of Geeky-Looking Latino Kids

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And speaking of risky behavior and Hispanic teens, the Office of National Drug Control Policy’s National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign, has just launched a series of Spanish-language PSA’s targeting parents and urging them to talk to their kids about the dangers of marihuana.

Some of the ads, executed by The Vox Collective, are pretty cool in that they challenge the notion, and stereotype, of a conventional drug dealer. Take the above print ad, in which a geeky-looking boy tells parents what they do not want to hear about prom night: “Last night I offered some marihuana to your daughter.”

Well, at least he’s not talking about the four or more partners doing you-know-what.

Hispanics Give Teens a Very, Very Bad Name

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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week reported that risky behavior among teenagers continues to decline, with fewer adolescents drinking, smoking or having sex in 2007 than their peers did in 1991. Yupi!

But don’t rush -yet- to hug your Latino teener and reward him with an extra helping of rice & beans. In fact, our adolescents are not part of the joyful statistic.

“Hispanics are at greater risk than blacks and whites for certain unsafe behaviors,” said the CDC. And it adds: Not only they are consuming more alcohol and drugs, but they are more likely to have intercourse “with four or more partners than blacks and whites.”

Like my abuela used to say: ¡Niños, pórtense bien!

Wanna Cheap Gas? Tijuana Is Where It’s At

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Not long ago, we learned that many Americans were flocking to Mexico in search of cheap dental treatment. Well, now they’re at it again -this time looking for cheap fuel.

Bob Hansen, a reporter with the local NBC affiliate in San Diego, traveled to Tijuana to find out just how much money he could save in gas down there.

The answer? mucho dinero!

“Hansen filled up on regular last week for $2.75 a gallon. Truckers buying diesel where he stopped paid only $2.10,” according to NBC.

I wonder if -given the considerable savings attained- he made a technical stop to pick up some muchachas, cerveza and maybe even some dental work.

Where Are the Mexicans When You Need Them?

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I am sure you are all too busy savoring Clinton’s victory in Puerto Rico (or at least her dancing) to know this, but a group of Muslim workers claim they were fired by a New Brighton, Minneapolis tortilla factory for refusing to wear uniforms rather than their traditional clothing. The women are filing a religious discrimination complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

Commenting on such news, immigrant basher radio commentator Neal Boortz had only one thing to say:

“Muslims, making tortillas? You know, this world is really screwed up when Muslims are making our tortillas, folks. I mean, with all of the illegal Mexicans in this country, we can’t find some Mexicans to make those tortillas?”

Perhaps they were all sleeping under a cactus or gulping down some mezcal. You never know with these people…

Holy Guacamole! Headline of the Week I

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Dear readers: It is with great pleasure that I introduce to you a brand new section in this infamous great blog: The Headline of the Week, brought to you by…. well, no one would really sponsor this site. Ever.

But anyhow, what better introductory note than this one from Reuters (05/29/08)?

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12-Year-Old Seeks Help in NOT Going to Colombia

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12-year-old Colombia-born Alejandro Ramírez is seeking your help in keeping him as far from Colombia as possible. The reason? Ramírez and his mom, now green-card holders, claim his biological dad and other family members in Colombia want him to go visit just to later snatch him and keep him there. Forever.

But the kid won’t take any of it.

“I know how dangerous Colombia is. I definitely don’t want to go to Colombia. I love the U.S.A. and want to stay here,” Alejandro writes in his very own personal Web page, aptly named SaveAlejandro.com

He also says he likes to watch TV, play video games, ride a bike and take Kung Fu lessons. And, as we all know, you cannot do any of these things in the jungle Colombia.

So, without further due, I am hereby launching SaveLaura.org, aimed at keeping myself safely here and away from the dangers and creepiness of my fellow Mexicans. Wanna help? I take most major credit cards, menos Amex of course!

Naked? Not a Problem. But Not Atop a Pyramid

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Here’s what happens when advertising fails to meet moral anthropological standards. The latest ad campaign to promote the wonders of the Mexican State of Hidalgo features telenovela star Irán Castillo showing some eye-popping attractions imprinted on her almost-naked body.

The campaign, titled Hidalgo en la Piel, has raised some hell in Mexico, but not because Irán is shown wearing very little clothing, but because the shooting around some protected areas was done without permission from the National Anthropology Institute (INAH).

“We’re not moralistic,” Benito Taibo, an executive with INAH told the New York Times. “We don’t have an issue with her. She’s a pretty girl.”

It turns out authorities don’t give a damn if Irán is naked or not. The issue here is the protection of Mexico’s patrimony. So next time your company considers Mexico to film a commercial, feel free to throw away the clothes… But, please, stay away from our Pyramids.

Close the Door … Like it or Not

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A reader of this blog -and fellow Mexico lover- forwarded this, posted on a fence outside a greenhouse in Ensenada, Mexico.

Translation (sort of) for the monolingual crowd: “Close the door behind you upon entering and exiting… Please, if it’s not such a drag. But even if it is, close it anyway.”

Photo: Adriana Romero