Waldenbuch-Based Ritter Sport Introduces Tortilla Chips Chocolate Because Why the Hell Not?

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¡Guácala!
¡Guácala!

I have never been to Waldenbuch, Germany, but I’m sure it’s a city teeming with creative people thinking out of the German box.

Take the Ritter Sport chocolate factory, which is pulling all its marketing strings to pitch its latest concoction: the Knusper Tortilla Chips Chocolate, which I’m not really able to describe to you, because these tricky people had the brilliant idea of explaining everything in German.

However, I was able to get a hold of a video, where you can see a bunch of German tortilla chips happily march to their German chocolate dead.

Hat tip: Marco Principato

¡Gracias, Boston! It’s Only March 18, but the Cinco de Mayo Nonsense Is already here

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cincodemayocruz

Tired of bashing the Drumpf piñata or getting drunk on green stuff to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day?

Worry no more! Cinco de Mayo — and all the nonsense that comes with it — is just around the corner, and this blogger will be right here to bring it all to you.

Kicking off the 2016 festivities is the Cinco de Mayo Sunset Cruz, billed as “THE FIRST cruise BASH of the season!!!” (capital and bold letters their emphasis, not mine.) 

Now, while the promotional flyer (above) hints the event will feature mariachis, chihuahua dogs in wrestling costumes and scantily-clad red-hair señoritas, photos from previous cruises show a very different reality, namely, tons of white guys & gals wearing sombreros and drinking like there’s no tomorrow.

Either way, this blogger wishes them the best in their celebration of “Mexican” culture, so … ¡Ajúa, Boston!

Boston

Univision Launches Dolls Inspired by Univision’s Latin Beauty Pageant, because Univision

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dollsfinal

Move over, Mexican Barbie! Here come Nuestra Belleza Latina-inspired dolls, Univision’s latest marketing effort to celebrate the 10th anniversary of its very own Latin beauty pageant.

The six dolls — Dulce, Yaritza, Sol, Niki, Odalys and Paola —have all been inspired by the “diverse and compelling stories of Latinas,” which as you know are all very diverse, despite having the exact same measurements.

This beauties are available in either evening gown or swim suit via Amazon, LatinaGirlPower.com and “several Hispanic grocery store chains,” which I assume are those same stores where you can buy Hispanic cheese, Hispanic lettuce, Hispanic chips, etc.

 

Trump Rally in Chicago Erupts in Violence, Because the Mexicans

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When in doubt, blame the Mexicans
When in doubt, blame the Mexicans

According to several fair and balanced TV reports, a group of “Hispanics [SIC] in flags and Mexican sombreros” were spotted during Friday night’s chaotic Drumpf rally chanting We stopped Drumpf, We stopped Drumpf!

And that, my friends, only proves one very important thing: That my people not only wear sombreros and sarapes to eat tacos and sleep while holding a bottle of mezcal, but also to demonstrate against fascists.

WATCH and beware of Hispanics with sombreros:

‘El País’: Mobile Services Move Slowly in Latin America, Because my People Ride Horses –or Something

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MovilLento

Yes, the above image (via Getty) was the image of choice by the editors of El País to illustrate an otherwise unremarkable story about mobile services and access in Latin America.

I think this is all great, but I have one question: Shouldn’t the services move rapidly — not slowly — while on a horse? I mean, I’m confused.

¡Ajúa, pues!

 

This Bernie Sanders Ad in Spanish Will [Hopefully] Make you Appreciate that Big Salad

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The 5-minute documentary will run on Univision
A five-minute mini doc will run on Univision next week

In an effort to court Hispanics and — hopefully — make non-Hispanics think hard about what goes in their grande salads and Chipotle salsas, Bernie Sanders will be running a five-minute documentary in Spanish (below.)

According to the New York Times (which by the way failed to properly translate part of the plot) the mini documentary will run nationally on the Univision network and several Univision-affiliated stations, just days before the March 15 Democratic primary in Florida.

Watch. Think about it. Watch again, and remember it next time you savor a juicy tomato.

Take that, Mr. Trump: A Mexican and a Muslim Walk into a Boxing Ring… in America

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CaneloKhan

I really wanted to avoid talking about You-Know-Who on this venerable blog, but I couldn’t resist helping my paisano, Oscar de la Hoya, spread the word about his super terrific plan to sticking it to El Trumpo.

In an effort to prove that Muslims *and* Mexicans are welcome in the U.S., Mr. De la Hoya is organizing a mega fight between two of the most popular Muslim and Mexican boxers on the planet: Amir Khan, of Britain, and Saúl “Canelo” Álvarez, from Mexico. The “mega mega” fight is to take place in Las Vegas this May 7 and the motivation behind it is simple –and awesome:

As Mr. De la Hoya told CNN about You-Know-Who:

“It’s mindboggling to know that he has those types of philosophies and thoughts,” said American-Mexican De La Hoya, seemingly referring to Drumpf’s call for a ban on Muslims entering the U.S., and building a wall between the country and Mexico.

Way to go, Oscar! See you in Vegas and hopefully not in the deportation plane back to Mexicou!

In Light of Current Political Climate, Telemundo Hires Don Francisco as Senior News Correspondent

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DonF

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Almost one year after announcing his departure from Univision, the septuagenarian TV host Mario Kreutzberger, aka Don Francisco, is making a comeback to Hispanic media. Oh, and it’s quite the comeback.

Telemundo on Tuesday announced it signed a multi-year agreement with Don Francisco, which includes “the creation of a joint production company to develop and produce original content and formats for Hispanics in the United States and audiences around the world, across multiple platforms.” But, perhaps more importantly, Telemundo says, Kreutzberger will bring his expertise to Telemundo Network News as a special senior news correspondent.

Come to think of it, this is actually quite perfect, given the circus that the current political campaign has become.

I can only hope El Chacal de la Trompeta will come back too and put the presidential candidates in place when they would just Not. Shut. The. Hell. Up.

To be continued…

‘Rich, Arrogant, Ignorant People Should not be Presidents,’ Says Rich, Arrogant, Ignorant former President

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Fox

You know the world has gone to hell when you have people like Vicente Fox criticizing Donald Trump for being an “ignorant, rich, pompous man,” who shouldn’t be president because that would be just crazy.

As my abuela used to say: El burro hablando de orejas (The pot calling the kettle black) and where is the EXIT door? I want out now!

WATCH. CRINGE AND – NEVER FORGET:

Pillsbury Wants you to Believe this ‘thing’ is a Taco. It’s not

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From the 'What the hell is this?' archives
From the ‘What the hell is this?’ archives

As if Taco Bell’s efforts to sell you “make-believe” Mexican food weren’t enough, Pillsbury is now peddling the Chicken Taco Grande Ring, yet another American-made concoction that will make sure your children will grow up with a twisted idea of what my people (i.e. The Mexicans) really eat.

According to my sources (i.e. my Brooklyn Special Taco Correspondent) there’s even a TV commercial of this thing airing on prime time, declaring “it’s time for the taco to come out of its shell.”

Well, I have news for you, Pillsbury: It’s not time for anything. This “thing” is not even a taco, so Stop. This. Now.

Hat tip: Brooklyn taco correspondent JPFalcone

Grupo Televisa Launches Netflix-Like Service in Mexico; Hilarity Ensues

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IMG_4241

Mexican media giant — and Univision partner in [programming] crime — this week announced the launch of Blim.com, an OTT service á la Netflix.

Per the official announcement, the service is expected to cost $6.05 per month (which is roughly many, many, many pesos) and feature “relevant, Spanish-language programming targeting users in Mexico and Latin America.”

Mexicans promptly took to Twitter to share their “enthusiasm” around this thing. NOT.

Here are only a few examples of what Mexico twitteratti is saying about Blim.com

 

“Everyone is making money on the Internet; except us!” — Televisa introducing Blim.com

 

My friend, Azcárraga. Congrats on Blim; you do know what young viewers really want to watch on the Internet.

 

My phone is so smart, it will not install Blim

 

Or … does it only work on Alcatel phones?

Al parecer #Blim sólo funciona en dispositivos Alcatel.

This survey

 

Ironies aside, there are some tuiteros, including God himself, who think Blim can be a success. But three things must happen first: 

1. Better programming

2. Better pricing

3. Netflix must disappear

 

Bud Light Banner Ad in Spanish Features Amy Schumer, Seth Rogen and Bad Grammar

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budlight2Dear people of Budweiser:

While I appreciate your efforts to peddle bad, watery beer to my people (i.e. The Hispanics,) your advertising agency would be well-advised to plunk down a few pesitos to hire ME some Spanish-speaking person to at least — AT LEAST — proofread your stuff.*

Perhaps the folks that worked on the above banner would want to use Google Translate instead, which I’m sure is what you guys did to translate this other thing (below).

 

*DM me for details

The Road to Hell is Paved With Sexy Women

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tlaquepaque3.jpg

I took this picture in Tlaquepaque, Jalisco, a city famous for its beautiful streets and colonial buildings and its very, very conservative citizens. For those of you, non-Spanish speakers but loyal followers of my blog, a lose translation:

We will not grant communion to women wearing dresses with straps, or whose backs show, or wearing shorts or cleavages, or those who show their breasts or legs… and to men wearing shorts.

Needless to say, I was not allowed anywhere near there, thus the nature of the sloppy image.

Oh, and in case you were wondering: Tlaquepaque is the sister city of Springfield, Missouri (I kid you not!)