Awwww, America: The land of the free, home of the brave — and the Milwaukee Taco Fest — is also the place to go to advance your career.
Take the above job opportunity hailing from — where else? — Florida, where some dude needs to hire 4 women for an adult business Cinco de Mayo event. Required are two “promo models” and two “ass models,” who will be paid $420/hr and $250/hr, respectively, for the gig. Ladies must be “fun, friendly and not uptight,” so boring, unfriendly and anxious señoritas, please refrain.
I don’t know about you, but I’m super interested in this thing, so I’m off to polish my… resume.
Let’s see if I can finally make some money off my Latin talents.
If you thought Cinco de Mayo was the ultimate Mexican-themed ridiculousness in America, wait till you see the inner workings of the Milwaukee Taco Fest, an annual extravaganza promising attendees “a day of taco tasting, tequila, margaritas, cervezas and tons of great entertainment.”
And by “great entertainment” we’re not talking about just any great entertainment, no señor, we’re talking live wrestling, a taco-eating contest and — of course — a Chihuahua beauty pageant.
Are you cringing yet?
I’m just about to go shoot myself, but you would be well advised to hold onto your sombreros because this thing is happening real soon and — unfortunately — there’s no stopping them.
Worry no more! Cinco de Mayo — and all the nonsense that comes with it — is just around the corner, and this blogger will be right here to bring it all to you.
Kicking off the 2016 festivities is the Cinco de Mayo Sunset Cruz, billed as “THEFIRST cruise BASH of the season!!!” (capital and bold letters their emphasis, not mine.)
Now, while the promotional flyer (above) hints the event will feature mariachis, chihuahua dogs in wrestling costumes and scantily-clad red-hair señoritas, photos from previous cruises show a very different reality, namely, tons of white guys & gals wearing sombreros and drinking like there’s no tomorrow.
Either way, this blogger wishes them the best in their celebration of “Mexican” culture, so … ¡Ajúa, Boston!
Remember the 5-feet-tall Mexican scene-setters? Well, now you can make your Mexican fiesta even more Mexican (as if that was even possible) by setting up a Personalized Mexican Fiesta Arch.
This beauty is not cheap, ¡no, señor! It will cost you a good $109.99 online. But don’t despair! The Personalized Fiesta Arch “has the look of a brick wall along with maracas, sombreros, chili peppers and guitar accents.” Plus. It ships in only one day, so why wait for Cinco de Mayo?
In case you’re still not sold on this stupid awesome deal, check this out: The Fiesta Arch “can be personalized with two lines of your own custom text.”
So hurry! I’ve already placed my order with a two line legend that reads:
¡Órale, gringo! Me querer mucho tequila! ¡Arriba, arriba, ándale, ándale!
No matter how many bizarre holidays Americans come up with, Cinco de Mayo will forever be my favorite one. And not only because it’s an excuse to drink all day and yell ¡Viva México! while thinking it’s our celebration of Independence (it’s not.) But it is also the time of year that brings out the stupidest most creative marketing brains to sell Americans everything, from DIY printable fiesta kits and taquito shooters (whatever that is,) to senseless drink mixes, “ethnic food” and even life-size cardboard Mexicans as scene setters.
This time around, though, in honor of that amazing marketing took known as Twitter, I’ve put together a few tweets making their way to my timeline.
NOTE: We’re still a full week away from the actual fiesta and this list will be updated in the following days, but let’s get to it right away, shall we?
Last but not least, the King of Ruining Mexican Food, Taco Bell, has already announced plans to introduce a new hot sauce on Cinco de Mayo called Diablo. The sauce, says Taco Bell, will only be available for a limited time and it’s made with a variety of peppers, including ají panca, chipotle and chili. Here it is, in all its GIF glory.
Cinco de Mayo (aka this blogger’s favorite faux holiday) is just around the corner, and this year — with the explosion of Twitter, Snapchat, Periscope, Instagram and the like — the marketing furor promises to be crazier than ever before. Muy loco, indeed!
Stay tuned for this blog’s full “coverage” of this year’s non-Mexican holiday. In the meantime, take a look at this kit offered by Paper & Cake and start printing your own fiesta kit.
I hate Cinco de Mayo in the U.S., not so much because it’s a reminder of how clueless people are about Mexican history, but because it is also the time to market some of the stupidest, senseless food & drink concoctions of all times.
Well, actually I think Bud Light’s Lime-A-Rita and Straw-Ber-Rita are kind of OK. The name is cute and hopefully the mix will give a little taste to such a tasteless beer. But Corona’s “CoronaRita” wins the prize of the silliest, most senseless concoction (and moniker) ever.
See? I had to learn about this by a non-Mexican person, because last time I checked, my people had no idea that a Mexican Car Bomb is simply a vanilla shake with Guinness, tequila caramel sauce and chocolate flakes.
The concoction is sure to please those already clueless enough to believe Cinco de Mayo is Mexico’s celebration of Independence and just one more excuse to stuff themselves with made-believe Mexican fare.
So, go ahead. Visit U.S. Taco Co., get bombed and puleeeze stay away from real Mexicans.
Click below for a quick trip to some of the silliest Cinco de Mayo gimmicks.
Temporary breast tattoo company TaTaToos is so excited about Cinco de Mayo, it has come up with a culturally-relevant line of tattoos that promise to make your holiday -what else?- spicier.
I’m not sure what’s more depressing; if saying “tatas” instead of tetas, or having you celebrate the Battle of Puebla by imprinting some Spanish-language copy on your chest.
In any case, here’s part of the pitch from the original press release:
Make your Cinco de Mayo HOT this year with Ta*ta*toos – temporary tattoos that last up to 5 – 7 days. They are perfect to apply lower on the chest to ensure discreetness when wearing apparel and can be removed with household rubbing alcohol in less than 30 seconds!
I don’t think I’ll be celebrating a Mexican holiday by putting a tattoo on my “tatas…” Still, that part about rubbing alcohol on them sounds quite enticing.
Speaking of Cinco de Mayo and concoctions that make no sense, Dos Equis is now offering some kind of Cinco de Mayo Combo featuring “Mexican cuisine” (i.e. chicken wings.)
In short: When in doubt (about what’s Mexican or not) just stick a pair of maracas and a colorful sarape in your logo and you’ll be OK.
So Remezcla took to the streets of New York to quiz Latinos –and non-Latinos– on Mexican culture.
This is what they had to say.
This blogger was not the least surprised nor shocked at the sheer ignorance of the interviewees in the above video. Some previous research before had threw some light on perceptions of Americans on yet another Mexican holiday: Cinco de Mayoouuu!
Are you cringing yet?
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