As if I needed another reason to despise Elon Musk, the annoying mogul has officially launched Teslaquila, a Tesla-branded liquor that can be yours for “only” $250.
The first time I heard of Teslaquila was back in April 2018, because it was supposed to be an April Fool’s Day joke about the automaker filing for bankruptcy. But Musk being Musk this thing is here now, making it yet one more hideous 2020 surprise.
I hope by now you are aware that Cinco de Mayo is NOT Mexico’s Independence Day. Sixteen of September is, and the bash actually kicks off on the night of the 15, so by the time the 16 actually arrives, everybody is just too drunk to remember anything.
I might be a gringa now, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still a Mexican, so I decided to put together a quick list of the Five Things you Must Do to Celebrate El Grito in this increasingly globalized country.
1. Buy a Made-in-China Mexican flag
2. Go to your nearest Walmart and stock up on the cheapest non-Agave Tequila. (The real thing is too expensive for the average Mexican, and its production is already exclusive for exporting to gringos.)
3. Tell your wife you want your pozole spicy, even if she cannot afford to buy meat anymore.
4. Tune in the Canal de las Estrellas to witness our pathetic president yell ¡Viva México! repeatedly
5. Yell ¡Viva México! — repeatedly — right after our pathetic president. Hopefully by this time you’ll be too wasted on the fake-Tequila methanol to feel any shame.
Repeat as many times necessary until you feel a true patriotic fervor.
¡Viva México! ¡Viva México! ¡Viva México!
If anything else fails, go get a Texican Whopper or a Quesalupa. See you on the 16th as everyone will be most likely be puking somewhere.
I’m way too busy this week with so-called “real work,” but I just needed to let everybody know that the Mexican government has launched a new tourism campaign that involves a cloud that rains not water but … tequila.
Sí, señor. The campaign — crafted by Lapiz and first demonstrated at a special art exhibit in Berlin — used “ultrasonic humidifiers to vibrate tequila at a frequency that actually turned it into visible mist.” This mist is then condensed into liquid form, which falls as raindrops and basically means you can get your caballito ready, put it under the cloud and drink like there is no mañana. ¡Prost!
The reason behind all this, says the Mexican government, is simple: To tempt rain-soaked Germans to visit sunny Mexico in the dead of winter.
Attention, California Hispanics: If you still need a reason to vote Republican this November -and give your children an extraordinary lesson on politics- you might want to consider Carly Fiorina.
The Republican candidate to the U.S. Senate is so close to her Latino constituency, that during a recent gala with “Hispanic achievers” in California, she took to the stage not only to down a shot of tequila, but to actually conclude that every speech should start with, well, a shot of tequila and then rolling her “rrrrrrr’s” in a very spooky way.