Category: Stupid propositions

Cinco de Mayo: America’s Stupidest Holiday Is Almost Here!

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Americans: How can anyone not like them?
Americans: How can anyone not like them?

Awwww, Cinco de Mayo.

No matter how many bizarre holidays Americans come up with, Cinco de Mayo will forever be my favorite one. And not only because it’s an excuse to drink all day and yell ¡Viva México! while thinking it’s our celebration of Independence (it’s not.) But it is also the time of year that brings out the stupidest most creative marketing brains to sell Americans everything, from DIY printable fiesta kits and taquito shooters (whatever that is,) to senseless drink mixes, “ethnic food” and even life-size cardboard Mexicans as scene setters.

This time around, though, in honor of that amazing marketing took known as Twitter, I’ve put together a few tweets making their way to my timeline.

NOTE: We’re still a full week away from the actual fiesta and this list will be updated in the following days, but let’s get to it right away, shall we? 

1. This mariachi-themed pitch from BelVita

2. How about some taquito shooters?

3. Old El Paso’s Suspicious-Looking ‘Tacos’

4. Go ahead, print your own fiesta kit

The craziness is such, that even Whole Foods London is jumping on the Cinco de Mayo wagon:

5. Wait, what? Whole Foods London?

6. Or… Sombrero Cinco de Mayo Cookies

7. José Olé Cinco Savings Coming Soon

8. Taco Bell, of course

Last but not least, the King of Ruining Mexican Food, Taco Bell, has already announced plans to introduce a new hot sauce on Cinco de Mayo called Diablo. The sauce, says Taco Bell, will only be available for a limited time and it’s made with a variety of peppers, including ají panca, chipotle and chili. Here it is, in all its GIF glory.

 

I don’t know about you, but at this point in my life, the only Cinco de Mayo thing worth watching is this one.

 

Hey, Gringo, Get Ready to Print your Own Cinco de Mayo Kit!

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Let's print some guacamole containers, shall we?
Let’s print some guacamole containers, shall we?

Cinco de Mayo (aka this blogger’s favorite faux holiday) is just around the corner, and this year — with the explosion of Twitter, Snapchat, Periscope, Instagram and the like — the marketing furor promises to be crazier than ever before. Muy loco, indeed!

Stay tuned for this blog’s full “coverage” of this year’s non-Mexican holiday. In the meantime, take a look at this kit offered by Paper & Cake and start printing your own fiesta kit.

¡Ajúa!

Empire State Building Goes Red to Honor Hispanics [Sort of]

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See the red? It's a Telemundo thing!
See the red? It’s a Telemundo thing!

If you still don’t believe me when I say Spanish-speakers rule New York, you might want to keep an eye on the Empire State building this coming Sunday, April 26, when it is set to go totally red in celebration of Telemundo 47 New York’s 50 year anniversary. Yes, and it’s not a joke, my friends.

Per a press release quoting the great Cristina Schwarz (a personal friend, mind you)…

“On the evening of Sunday, April 26, viewers from all across the New York Tri-State area will be able to look up to the beacon of our skyline as it beams in red, in honor of our station’s past and the promise of our future as we reaffirm our commitment to be the first informers our communities demand and deserve.”

I don’t know you, but as a proud Hispanic, I’ll be anxiously waiting for the red lights to go up and then tune in my TV set to … Mad Men.*

*It’s nothing against Telemundo, really. I just need to know what’s going to happen with Don Draper’s sombrero,

Hispanic Jeb Bush Is the Best Thing on Twitter Right Now

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Unless you live under a rock, in a detention center in Guantánamo or in a place without access to Twitter (very unlikely), you would have heard by now that Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush once identified himself as Hispanic in a voter registration application.

50804272According to a Miami-Dade County document published Monday by The New York Times, Bush listed his race/ethnicity as “Hispanic,” in a 2009 voter-registration application, a fact that quickly spread over social media, giving way to some hilarious tweets, starting with Hispanic Jeb Bush himself.

The incident quickly gave way to the creation of the YebBush Twitter account, which promptly began interacting with this blogger.

I say we should cut this guy some slack. He speaks fluent Spanish. His wife, Columba (NOT Columbia) Bush, was born in Mexico and for two years in his 20s, he lived in Venezuela… Besides, his Spanish is WAY better than that of many “Hispanics” I know. I promise.

 

‘Parents Latina:’ Because Hispanic Millennial Moms are Unlike Regular Latina Moms

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ParentsLatinaMeredith Co. has launched Parents Latina, a quarterly English-language magazine targeting “Hispanic Millennial Moms,” a group that apparently requires its own parenting tips –and one that doesn’t care less if the words Parents and Latina don’t really go well together in a sentence.

But I digress.

Meredith Co. already has Ser Padres, a Spanish-language magazine targeting, ahem, Spanish-speaking parents, and Parents magazine, an English-language magazine targeting English-speaking, non-Hispanic parents. But apparently none of these was good enough for needy, self-serving Hispanic Millennial Moms, who just like all other millennials, just have-to-have-their-own-thing.

And what particular advice does Parents Latina offer to Hispanic millennial moms? I have no idea, but I’m guessing it will include some useful tips & advice, including:

  • How to take a selfie without losing your child in the process
  • Instagram your breast-feeding process and wow your friends!
  • 125 Reasons why your bundle of joy is more important than you
  • How to ‘Periscope’ while pushing a stroller through a crowded mall

I don’t know, but once I get my hands on one of these I’ll keep you guys posted.

British ‘Tortillas’ Feature Pyramids and Sombreros; Claim to Be ‘True Taste of Mexico’

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Hey Hoy
Hey Hoy

From this blog’s London correspondent (formerly this blog’s West Coast correspondent) come Britain’s “Cool,” gluten-free Hey Ho to Mexico “tortillas,” which is apparently what the Brits call any corn-based produce that comes packaged in a plastic bag featuring pyramids and sombreros.

These are not your regular [fake] tortillas, mind you, these “bring you a true taste of Mexico,” because as everyone knows, there is only one.

Hat tip: London correspondent: Kent German 

Undocumented Immigrants: Why Deport them when you Can Just Send them to War?

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No papers? No problem!
No papers? No problem!

It was only a few years ago, when U.S. Hispanics were deemed too fat and dumb to join the U.S. Army. But things are so much better now, apparently.

In its latest sneaky move to beef up enlistment, the U.S. military this week said it will be expanding a program to offer “fast track to citizenship for immigrants with special language or medical skills.”

According to a New York Times report, said program — known by the flamboyant name of Military Accessions Vital to the National Interest (yep) “seeks to increase to 3,000 enlistments this fiscal year and 5,000 in the 2016 fiscal year, up from the current limit of 1,500.”

And yes, while foreigners accepted to enlist have been legal immigrants on temporary visas, the program now welcomes “young undocumented immigrants with deportation deferrals.” Because… why bother deporting people when you can just send them to a dangerous war zone? I mean: duh.