OMG You Guys! Moctezuma and Cortés Were an Item

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Ever wondered why the Mexican empire fell in the hands of a bunch of bearded, uninteresting Spaniards? Well, according to Mexican writer and career diplomat José Luis Basulto Ortega, the whole thing was nothing but an amorous gesture between two lovers:

“El Imperio de México fue un obsequio de Moctezuma a Hernán Cortés como parte del cortejo amoroso que tuvieron”, (Mexico’s empire was a gift from Moctezuma to Cortés as part of the amorous relationship they had) Basulto writes in his most recent book Culioni: Historia de una lágrima.

Basulto claims to have “fifteen documents” that irrefutably prove a homosexual relationship between Cortés and Moctezuma, and that, in a nutshell, Mexico was lost because of a queer (“México se perdió por una loca.”)

I wonder now if Santa Anna and David G. Burnett were getting cozy by the time we lost Texas… Oh, dear.

Sorry Latinas: When it Comes to the Bedroom, Blondes are More Adventurous… and Have More Fun

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Forget about all you’ve heard about Brown-Power and Brown Being the New Blond. As of today, I will be dying my hair blond. The reason? “Women who dye their hair blond are more confident, less inhibited and have better moods than those who remain au naturel.” concluded a group of researchers at the University of Nottingham. And that is not all.

“Those with lightened locks are also more likely to ask someone out, complain at unfair treatment, be more adventurous in the bedroom, ask for a pay rise, or be assertive with friends.”

Adventurous in the bedroom? Man! and to think I’ve been wearing the wrong hair color all these years…. [sigh.]

Calderón Goes to USA, No Permission Asked

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You might not know this, but Mexico’s illegitimate President Felipe Calderón managed to get all the way to the Big Apple without asking the Congress for permission. And that is because a recent change in the Mexican Constitution now allows presidents to take short trips abroad without seeking consent from Congress. (And you know how mean Mexico’s Congress can get, denying Mr. Fox permission to travel abroad… twice.)

So … while we’re in the change-the-Constitution mode, perhaps we could tweak it a tiny bit more just so that he will now be required to ask fellow Mexicans permission to go back. I’m sure the answer will be a resounding: No!!!!!!

Bloomy Thinks His Spanish Sucks

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No matter how much time New York City Mayor spends with his Colombian tutor, he continues to lament the sorry state of his Spanish-language skills:

Here’s his candid answer to this month’s Proust Questionnaire in Vanity Fair:

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My Spanish. I’ve been studying for seven years and I still speak como un novato.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo: Taken from Vanity Fair (October 2008 issue)

Former Top Model Claims McCain Was ‘Gostosinho’

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You can say anything you want about John McCain but the man surely knew how to kiss… or so says Brazilian former model María Gracinda, who claims to have spent the hottest week ever with John McCain many moons ago.

In an interview with the newspaper Extra, Gracinda described the young McCain as gostosinho (cuddly), carinhoso (affectionate) and romantic and noted he called her ‘my coconut bonbon.’

Although she dated many important men all her life, the 77-year-old woman is reportedly still living alone. So perhaps Mr. McCain would like to do us all a favor, reconsider the whole thing and rejoin his lost bombón.

That would be muito gostoso!

This Lady Wants your [Foreign] Tongue

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There is politically correct advertising, and then there is Vicky Form.

In this print ad -found in Vanidades magazine- the lingerie line introduces us to Erika Maldonado, a seemingly normal (and hopefully professional) translator with a knack for foreign lenguas (tongues.)

Judging from what she is [barely] wearing, one can only assume the lenguas she claims to love are not exactly native tongues nor mother tongues, but just tongues. Then again, we see the Spanish, French and Italian flags falling mysteriously from the sky.

(I did a lousy job cutting this ad, but I swear Erika is clutching a French dictionary in her right hand.)

Oh, la, lá!

Mexican Pigs Don’t Wear Lipstick. Monkeys Wear Silk

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Following the brouhaha surrounding Mr. Obama’s lipstick on a pig remark, I decided to let Mr. McCain on a little secret: Saying that “You can put lipstick on a pig; it’s still a pig,” doesn’t necessarily mean that you are calling somebody a pig. (Although one can always argue that a gun-loving, pro-death penalty, anti-abortion pig wouldn’t look any cuter on make-up.)

Of course, Mexicans couldn’t care less for pigs or lipsticks. We prefer to call a female monkey dressed in silk just a monkey: Aunque la mona se vista de seda, mona se queda.

How I wish everybody could master the beauty of popular wisdom!

Having Nothing Else to Buy in Mexico, Carlos Slim Buys Stake in the New York Times

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And speaking of smart investments, Mexican mogul Carlos Slim has just spent $128 million to acquire a 6.4% of The New York Times, just because there is nothing more satisfying to a Mexican than owning an influential newspaper al otro lado. Or perhaps he just ran out of stuff to acquire down here.

Very soon, sooner than you think, the paper’s name will be changed to “El Taims” and there will be lots of T&A, soccer and Sanborn’s ads. ¡Viva México!

Photo: Keith Dannemiller

Mexico City’s Chinatown Will be ‘Deluxe’

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I just learned today that a group of Chinese companies are plunking down $350 million to build a “deluxe Chinatown” in Mexico City, which is expected to be “very similar to the one found in New York City” according to the local press.

That’s nice. But, can somebody please tell me where to go to find New York City’s deluxe Chinatown? last time I checked there was no lujo to be found around. But maybe that’s just me…

Wanna Look Like This? Eat Lots of M&M’s

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After 6 days and 15 hours in Mexico City, stuffing myself with tacos de canasta, chiles en nogada and the like, I failed to see that what a lady needs to look forever thin is a good amount of M&M’s. At least that is according to Eva Longoria.

“Premium M&M’s offer a little bit of luxury with each bite,” Eva Longoria Parker, told Marketing y Medios, “noting that her favorite candy is the mocha, then rethinking her choices and correcting herself, saying that she enjoys all five varieties of the chocolate candies.”

Oh dear, and to think that I’ve been making the wrong food choices all these days… I guess it’s time to turn to the Hot Latin Diet.

Mexican Barbie is World’s Most ‘Kidnappable’

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And speaking of my beloved Mexico City, last week the country’s capital unveiled the world’s most expensive Barbie doll. Ever. Because, where else could something like this happen?

“The new doll is believed to have over 300 real diamonds. It is valued at one million Mexican pesos ($100,000),” reported the local press.

I just wish for Barbie’s sake the family has already thought about injecting her a microchip. I mean, you never know.

Mexican Cops Now Taking Bribes in your Language

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You gotta give it to Mexico City’s police force. Not satisfied with taking bribes from fellow Mexican citizens, in their native language, they are now expanding their activities to foreign nationals, in other people’s language for their comfort.

Two transit police officers today were charged with stealing $150 from an Australian tourist, who after being told by a cop that it was OK to go over a red light, was later stopped -and threatened to be fined- for, well, going over a red light!

Upon seizing her Australian driver’s license, the cop told her -in perfect, and probably heavily accented English: “No money, no license.”

I’ve only been in Mexico City for like 24 hours, but I’m already impressed by the progress made by my country’s institutions: no English no progress. Well done y que viva México!