Move over tortilla towel, here comes the tortilla blanket, the most recent addition to what I like to call Nonsense American Products (NAPS.)
The latest tortilla-themed thing is a microfiber blanket that can be yours for as little as $39.99!) The marketing pitch?
“Do you love Mexican food so much you want to reincarnate yourself as a giant burrito? […] With this giant tortilla blanket you can become a taco, quesadilla, tostada, enchilada, burrito, taquito or use your imagination.”
Well, now you can add another wall-related product to a growing list of nonsensical merchandise.
Just in time for Christmas 2018, there’s the MEXICO WILL PAY for the wall zip-up jumpsuit, currently on sale on Amazon.com for only $29.95 or less!
WARNING: This thing is made of 90 percent Nylon and 10 percent spandex, which will be just perfect for hanging around with your friends at a Halloween party –as long as it doesn’t take place on a United flight.
Sign me up for a few of these, Amazon. I’m going to have some real fun during my next trip to Mexicou!.
I was spending way too much time roaming around Latino neighborhoods in New York City looking for Colombian Jeans Levanta Cola* (aka butt-lifting jeans). But then I found out Amazon.com has an an entire section of these, some of which even promise to “compress your tummy and delineate your waist.”
Are you dying for a trio of juicy tacos al pastor but happen to live in the middle of Iowa? Worry not! Amazon has you covered!
Starting very soon, Amazon will begin delivery of “Meal Kits,” a service similar to Blue Apron, which will provide you with all the pieces necessary to ensamble your own meal! Take the Tacos al Pastor kit, which includes jalapeños, salsa verde, chipotle marinade, pork loin, pineapple, cilantro, radishes, pico de gallo and — alas — flour tortillas, because this is America, people, and that’s that. So, suck it.
Check out below all the goodies you’ll get and the instructions to ensamble your own Tacos al Pastor.
Move over, plastic taco-truck. Here comes the TriceraTACO, a machine-washable, plastic dinosaur that will hold your hard-shell disgusting tacos for only $13! Please note that given its shape and size, this thing will only hold those things Americans insist on calling a “taco” and will never be suited for a decent al pastor…
According to the retailer, the YogaDirect Deluxe Mexican Yoga Blanket is machine-washable; it is proudly made in Mexico and comes in a variety of bright colors… (Oh, and it also costs about 10 times more than a regular sarape, because marketing.)
So, basically: JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA (or how we say in English: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA).
Don’t know what to give your Anglo friends this Christmas?
Worry no more. You can now give the gift of culture — and share all about your Hispanic heritage — with this unique Hispanic “ceremonial costume,” which is still in stock and can be yours for only $29.69 in Amazon.com. The beauty of this costume, say its creators over at Kapan Early Learning Co., is that it will allow you to “celebrate cultural diversity.”
[This blogger has yet to figure out how this yellow thingy is a “Hispanic product,” but who cares? ‘Tis the season to be silly, er, jolly!]
I don’t want to rain on your Hispanic Heritage Month parade, but I felt this urge to let you know there is a Hispanic-Flag-themed thing going on on the Internet.
I will NOT name the culprit (OK, it’s Amazon.com) but there are these T Shirts currently on sale promising to mix your “Americanness” with a flag of your choice, including of course the Hispanic Flag. Because, Why-The-Hell-Not?
The only good news is that these beauties (most likely Made in China or Made in El Salvador) are only $19.99, and RETURNS ARE FREE.
I’m going to spare you the details of this thing, but let’s say in a nutshell that — according to this aptly-named Bovino fellow — there are 14 SPECIES of us (i.e. Latinas of the United States). Fourteen, people, fourteen. Among them:
SYMMETRICAL FORCE (Colombian American): Butt size varies, but breast implants are practically a rite of passage and she likes ‘em BIG.
TRIFECTA (Venezuelan American): Routinely causes an erection lasting more than 4 hours, but neediness, jealousy, and controlling behavior – a real “trifecta” of drama – occasionally spoil the mood.
TACO BELLE (Mexican American): Warm and cuddly as a teddy bear but (somewhat) shy around strangers, especially gringos.
TRANSFORMER (Cuban American): If her breasts are large enough to match her hips and butt, she can be a Latin Jessica Rabbit, but too much Cuban food or too many kids and she’ll transform into Rosie O’Donnell right before your eyes.
Mr. Bovino fails to identify this blogger, but I can assure him after I review this thing on Amazon, he’d like to call my species THE MEXICAN AMAZON RATINGS KILLER.
Have you run out of Christmas gift ideas? Are you looking for something that will show your love for other cultures and stuff without breaking the bank? Amazon has you covered.
Amazon.com has a wealth of “multicultural Christmas stuff,” including tons of Mexican-themed Christmas ornaments, music and more. So here are my 5 FAVES, most of which go for under $25 and are most likely Made in China, with the exception of the maraca-wielding Santa, which for some strange reason will cost you a whopping $154.
To my surprise, I found the company offers a multicultural option which -of course- allows for you to create a Mexican-themed Christmas video song, featuring yourself dancing to the rhythm of non-Mexican José Feliciano. [You can click on the photo above to see me in full action.]
So what are you waiting for? Go be a Mexican for the holidays!