JOB ALERT: Cinco de Mayo Ass Models Needed in Miami

Anybody?
Anybody?

Awwww, America: The land of the free, home of the brave — and the Milwaukee Taco Fest — is also the place to go to advance your career.

Take the above job opportunity hailing from — where else? — Florida, where some dude needs to hire 4 women for an adult business Cinco de Mayo event. Required are two “promo models” and two “ass models,” who will be paid $420/hr and $250/hr, respectively, for the gig. Ladies must be “fun, friendly and not uptight,” so boring, unfriendly and anxious señoritas, please refrain.

I don’t know about you, but I’m super interested in this thing, so I’m off to polish my… resume.

Let’s see if I can finally make some money off my Latin talents.

I will keep you posted.

The Milwaukee Taco Fest Is all that Is Wrong with America

tacofest1

If you thought Cinco de Mayo was the ultimate Mexican-themed ridiculousness in America, wait till you see the inner workings of the Milwaukee Taco Fest, an annual extravaganza promising attendees “a day of taco tasting, tequila, margaritas, cervezas and tons of great entertainment.”

And by “great entertainment” we’re not talking about just any great entertainment, no señor, we’re talking live wrestling, a taco-eating contest and — of course — a Chihuahua beauty pageant.

Screen Shot 2016-04-13 at 1.02.35 PMAre you cringing yet?

I’m just about to go shoot myself, but you would be well advised to hold onto your sombreros because this thing is happening real soon and — unfortunately — there’s no stopping them.

Sombrero tip: Gil

 

¡Gracias, Boston! It’s Only March 18, but the Cinco de Mayo Nonsense Is already here

cincodemayocruz

Tired of bashing the Drumpf piñata or getting drunk on green stuff to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day?

Worry no more! Cinco de Mayo — and all the nonsense that comes with it — is just around the corner, and this blogger will be right here to bring it all to you.

Kicking off the 2016 festivities is the Cinco de Mayo Sunset Cruz, billed as “THE FIRST cruise BASH of the season!!!” (capital and bold letters their emphasis, not mine.) 

Now, while the promotional flyer (above) hints the event will feature mariachis, chihuahua dogs in wrestling costumes and scantily-clad red-hair señoritas, photos from previous cruises show a very different reality, namely, tons of white guys & gals wearing sombreros and drinking like there’s no tomorrow.

Either way, this blogger wishes them the best in their celebration of “Mexican” culture, so … ¡Ajúa, Boston!

Boston

Here’s a Fiesta Arch to go with your Mexican ‘Scene-Setters’

FiestaArchRemember the 5-feet-tall Mexican scene-setters? Well, now you can make your Mexican fiesta even more Mexican (as if that was even possible) by setting up a Personalized Mexican Fiesta Arch.

This beauty is not cheap, ¡no, señor! It will cost you a good $109.99 online. But don’t despair! The Personalized Fiesta Arch “has the look of a brick wall along with maracas, sombreros, chili peppers and guitar accents.” Plus. It ships in only one day, so why wait for Cinco de Mayo?

In case you’re still not sold on this stupid awesome deal, check this out: The Fiesta Arch “can be personalized with two lines of your own custom text.”

So hurry! I’ve already placed my order with a two line legend that reads:

¡Órale, gringo! Me querer mucho tequila! ¡Arriba, arriba, ándale, ándale! 

Cinco de Mayo: America’s Stupidest Holiday Is Almost Here!

Americans: How can anyone not like them?
Americans: How can anyone not like them?

Awwww, Cinco de Mayo.

No matter how many bizarre holidays Americans come up with, Cinco de Mayo will forever be my favorite one. And not only because it’s an excuse to drink all day and yell ¡Viva México! while thinking it’s our celebration of Independence (it’s not.) But it is also the time of year that brings out the stupidest most creative marketing brains to sell Americans everything, from DIY printable fiesta kits and taquito shooters (whatever that is,) to senseless drink mixes, “ethnic food” and even life-size cardboard Mexicans as scene setters.

This time around, though, in honor of that amazing marketing took known as Twitter, I’ve put together a few tweets making their way to my timeline.

NOTE: We’re still a full week away from the actual fiesta and this list will be updated in the following days, but let’s get to it right away, shall we? 

1. This mariachi-themed pitch from BelVita

2. How about some taquito shooters?

3. Old El Paso’s Suspicious-Looking ‘Tacos’

4. Go ahead, print your own fiesta kit

The craziness is such, that even Whole Foods London is jumping on the Cinco de Mayo wagon:

5. Wait, what? Whole Foods London?

6. Or… Sombrero Cinco de Mayo Cookies

7. José Olé Cinco Savings Coming Soon

8. Taco Bell, of course

Last but not least, the King of Ruining Mexican Food, Taco Bell, has already announced plans to introduce a new hot sauce on Cinco de Mayo called Diablo. The sauce, says Taco Bell, will only be available for a limited time and it’s made with a variety of peppers, including ají panca, chipotle and chili. Here it is, in all its GIF glory.

 

I don’t know about you, but at this point in my life, the only Cinco de Mayo thing worth watching is this one.

 

Hey, Gringo, Get Ready to Print your Own Cinco de Mayo Kit!

Let's print some guacamole containers, shall we?
Let’s print some guacamole containers, shall we?

Cinco de Mayo (aka this blogger’s favorite faux holiday) is just around the corner, and this year — with the explosion of Twitter, Snapchat, Periscope, Instagram and the like — the marketing furor promises to be crazier than ever before. Muy loco, indeed!

Stay tuned for this blog’s full “coverage” of this year’s non-Mexican holiday. In the meantime, take a look at this kit offered by Paper & Cake and start printing your own fiesta kit.

¡Ajúa!

It’s Cinco de Mayo! Time to Mix Drinks That Make no Sense

LimeARita

I hate Cinco de Mayo in the U.S., not so much because it’s a reminder of how clueless people are about Mexican history, but because it is also the time to market some of the stupidest, senseless food & drink concoctions of all times.

Well, actually I think Bud Light’s Lime-A-Rita and Straw-Ber-Rita are kind of OK. The name is cute and hopefully the mix will give a little taste to such a tasteless beer. But Corona’s “CoronaRita” wins the prize of the silliest, most senseless concoction (and moniker) ever.

coronaRita2

Really, Corona? CoronaRita?

Just in Time for Cinco de Mayo: Taco Bell Eatery Will Serve Mexican Car Bombs

ImageSpeaking of Mexican things that make no sense, this blog’s Gringo West Coast Correspondent just informed me that Taco Bell is testing a restaurant concept that -among other things- will be serving Mexican Car Bombs.

See? I had to learn about this by a non-Mexican person, because last time I checked, my people had no idea that a Mexican Car Bomb is simply a vanilla shake with Guinness, tequila caramel sauce and chocolate flakes.

The concoction is sure to please those already clueless enough to believe Cinco de Mayo is Mexico’s celebration of Independence and just one more excuse to stuff themselves with made-believe Mexican fare.

So, go ahead. Visit U.S. Taco Co., get bombed and puleeeze  stay away from real Mexicans.

Click below for a quick trip to some of the silliest Cinco de Mayo gimmicks.

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This Company Wants me to Celebrate ‘Cinco de Mayo’ by Tattooing My ‘Ta-Tas’

tatas

Temporary breast tattoo company TaTaToos is so excited about Cinco de Mayo, it has come up with a culturally-relevant line of tattoos that promise to make your holiday -what else?- spicier.

I’m not sure what’s more depressing; if saying “tatas” instead of tetas, or having you celebrate the Battle of Puebla by imprinting some Spanish-language copy on your chest.

In any case, here’s part of the pitch from the original press release:

Make your Cinco de Mayo HOT this year with Ta*ta*toos – temporary tattoos that last up to 5 – 7 days. They are perfect to apply lower on the chest to ensure discreetness when wearing apparel and can be removed with household rubbing alcohol in less than 30 seconds!

I don’t think I’ll be celebrating a Mexican holiday by putting a tattoo on my “tatas…” Still, that part about rubbing alcohol on them sounds quite enticing.

Gringos, Latinos, They All Failed Remezcla’s ‘Mexi-Quizz’

So Remezcla took to the streets of New York to quiz Latinos –and non-Latinos– on Mexican culture.

This is what they had to say.

This blogger was not the least surprised nor shocked at the sheer ignorance of the interviewees in the above video. Some previous research before had threw some light on perceptions of Americans on yet another Mexican holiday: Cinco de Mayoouuu!