Why ‘Beatriz at Dinner’ Is the First Trumpian Movie of 2017

Salma Hayek (right, of course, duh!) plays a Mexican professional whom everyone assumes is part of the wait staff

I have not seen this thing, since it is set to premiere on June 9, but judging from the official trailer; the many (way too many) pics posted by Salma Hayek on Instagram and even a film review by the [failing] New York Times, Beatriz at Dinner is poised to become the American film of the Trumpian era par excellence.

The reason? It features “a pompous billionaire facing off with a Mexican professional woman whom everyone assumes she is part of the wait staff. (As if that hasn’t happened to all of us!)

Anyhow, stay tuned as this blogger will do her best to get a free ticket to this thing. Yes, I said “free,” because as you can imagine, being Mexican and all, I couldn’t possibly shell out $15 for a Hollywood movie — even if a paisana stars on it.

Watch this thing and please let me know if I should bother or simply file this under the shameful-Hollywood-productions-that-never-should-have-been archives.

Salma Hayek to Star as a Lesbian Taco in Upcoming Movie, Because Hollywood

sausage

Hold on to your sombreros!

If you thought Hollywood was running out of awesome ideas, think again. Coming this summer to a movie theatre near you is The Sausage Party, an “adult animated film with talking food,” starring Seth Rogen as Frank, a sausage who lives in a supermarket waiting to be chosen. Yep.

But because American supermarkets — and dinner tables — would be nothing without my people (i.e. Flaming Hot Mexicans,) The Sausage Party also stars Mexican bombshell Salma Hayek who will play the role of — what else? — a Lesbian taco. (Don’t ask.)

It’s a pity no more Mexicans have been cast, since I would have enjoyed a kitchen scene of horny jumping beans. But maybe that’s in store for the 2017 sequel: The Chorizo Fiesta

Anyhow, here’s a trailer of this thing, alas, sans lesbian tacos:

Hat tip: London correspondent 

It’s a Hollywood Miracle! Chile’s 33 Rescued Miners Speak Fluent English

We’re trapped; we’re poorly paid… but hey, we’re bilingual!’

In August 2010, 33 Chilean miners were trapped 700 meters underground and about 5 kilometers from a mine’s entrance in Copiapó, Chile, where they remained for an agonizing 69 days until the 33 of them were rescued, alive and almost all in good medical condition.

So far so good.

Enter Hollywood, a clueless Mexican director and an enthusiast crowd of subtitle-intolerant Americans. The result: The 33, a film directed by Patricia Riggen, a Mexican-born director whose dubious credentials include La misma luna, a movie I saw, so that you don’t have to.

I am not going to bother you with details behind The 33, simply because A) I have not seen it; B) I have no intention of doing so and C) I think there are many things you could do with those $13 instead (there are some killer happy hours out there.)

In addition, according to my sources, the trama takes place in English, because as we all know, the poorly-paid, poorly-educated mining workers of Copiapó are fluent in the language of Shakespeare, with heavy accents if you will (thus the presence of Antonio Banderas) but still…

Watch. Cringe. Do NOT repeat.

The 33 is opening nationwide Nov. 13 but you don’t have to see it. Do yourself a favor and READ THIS INSTEAD.

Unshocking Revelation: Sofía is ‘Variety Latino’ Top Latina

SofiaNumberOne

No Hispanic Heritage Month would be complete without a list of the most influential Latinos in Hollywood, so thanks Variety Latino, for putting that together.

According to Variety Latino, which is like regular Variety, but Latino, there are 20 Latinos who fit the bill as the most powerful/influential Latinos in Hollywood (uff, that’s a Latino mouthful.)

The list –which Variety says was not based on money earned– included 10 men and 10 women, among which is my favorite, retro-acculturated Latina: Eva Longoria (aka La Prieta Faya).

Number one of the list…. chan, chan! Sofía Vergara, who is richer and prettier than all of us.

Well, you have to give it to Variety Latino for not putting her on a rotating pedestal or anything.

Which TV Network is the ‘Hispanic Hollywood’? Executives Managed to Confuse this Blogger

Hispanic TV upfront week is a wonderful thing, especially when you get the chance to hear all kinds of wonderful pitches by competing networks.

Tuesday morning, for example, I learned from Univision’s President César Conde that Televisa is actually the Hollywood of Hispanics, which was, like, ‘oh, how cool,’ or whatever … Yet, barely five hours later, in another theatre not far from there, Telemundo’s COO Jacqueline Hernández came onstage to give us this…

WTH? I mean, it’s OK to treat journalists with bellinis for breakfast and non-stop bashes for four days straight, but please don’t confuse us even more with these stunts. I yet have to figure out which the real “Hispanic Hollywood” really is, but I have a very stubborn resaca to take care of first.

So please bear with me, and I promise to find an answer for you real soon… or not.