Category: Food

Donald Trump’s Taco Bowl Tweet Brouhaha Proves Humanity [and Very Likely this Blog] Is Doomed

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TheDonald

I seriously don’t know what’s worse, if Donald Trump tweeting a photo of himself on Cinco de Mayo eating a Taco Bowl (whatever that is) to say he loves Hispanics or the avalanche of serious, “investigative news pieces” from “real journalists” attempting to get to the bottom of things.

Seriously, what’s there to get to the bottom of? That the disgusting Walled-Taco-Thing was purchased in a cafe instead of restaurant? That Trump really didn’t tweet that thing today, because he’s in another city?

Man,I miss that time when stuff like this belonged to my stupid blog and not the realm of “investigative journalism.”

Hit them, Adam Weinstein

 

This Coffee Shop Will Be Making ‘Margarita Doughnuts’ on Cinco de Mayo… Because Cinco de Mayo

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donutsKane

It’s a full seven days before May 5th, but the marketing nonsense around the American festivity known as Cinco de Mayo is in full swing.

Take Kane’s Donuts, an “iconic Massachusetts doughnut shop,” which has sent out a press release (yes, a press release!) to tout its latest delicious concoction: a boozy-inspired, margarita flavored, green-glazed doughnut.

Fortunately, this thing will be available for a “limited time only” and this blogger hopes it will be limited to residents of Massachusetts.

This doesn’t make any sense, you know?

Salma Hayek to Star as a Lesbian Taco in Upcoming Movie, Because Hollywood

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sausage

Hold on to your sombreros!

If you thought Hollywood was running out of awesome ideas, think again. Coming this summer to a movie theatre near you is The Sausage Party, an “adult animated film with talking food,” starring Seth Rogen as Frank, a sausage who lives in a supermarket waiting to be chosen. Yep.

But because American supermarkets — and dinner tables — would be nothing without my people (i.e. Flaming Hot Mexicans,) The Sausage Party also stars Mexican bombshell Salma Hayek who will play the role of — what else? — a Lesbian taco. (Don’t ask.)

It’s a pity no more Mexicans have been cast, since I would have enjoyed a kitchen scene of horny jumping beans. But maybe that’s in store for the 2017 sequel: The Chorizo Fiesta

Anyhow, here’s a trailer of this thing, alas, sans lesbian tacos:

Hat tip: London correspondent 

Tostitos Telenovela Features Catalina Creel, and Lots of Shirtlessness

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¡Doble-dippeaste! ¡Sí, lo hiciste!
Clap, clap, clap
Tostitos, the brand that gave us a noseless Sevillana pitching spicy salsa, is back with a [Latin] vengeance; this time with Botanas del cielo, a :60 telenovela that incorporates its new products into a hilarious, over-the-top plotline.

Among this blogger’s favorite: An English-speaking version of eye-patched villain Catalina Creel, accusing her (always shirtless) son Enrique of double-dipping in the brand’s new Chunky Habanero Salsa. “¡Doble-dippeaste!” 

This thing is so hilarious that I’m sort of forgiving Tostitos for their past transgressions.

The series and a trailer are featured on Tostitos.com and the brand’s YouTube channel.

The Milwaukee Taco Fest Is all that Is Wrong with America

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tacofest1

If you thought Cinco de Mayo was the ultimate Mexican-themed ridiculousness in America, wait till you see the inner workings of the Milwaukee Taco Fest, an annual extravaganza promising attendees “a day of taco tasting, tequila, margaritas, cervezas and tons of great entertainment.”

And by “great entertainment” we’re not talking about just any great entertainment, no señor, we’re talking live wrestling, a taco-eating contest and — of course — a Chihuahua beauty pageant.

Screen Shot 2016-04-13 at 1.02.35 PMAre you cringing yet?

I’m just about to go shoot myself, but you would be well advised to hold onto your sombreros because this thing is happening real soon and — unfortunately — there’s no stopping them.

Sombrero tip: Gil

 

As Part of Ongoing Effort to Compete with New York, San Francisco Does Decent Tacos

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Ce6IeUsVAAEvk1w

I am not going to go into the whole East-Coast-Tacos-Are-Better-Than-California-Tacos-Controversy-Thing….

But, Tania González this week took this blogger to El Pato, a Downtown San Francisco joint serving pretty decent tacos: I spotted corn tortillas, chicken tinga, carne asada, refried beans, home-made salsa and more. (Heck, I even had an agua de sandía)

I still have to explore the real San Francisco, but judging from what I’ve seen so far, I can only say one thing: Not bad.

Waldenbuch-Based Ritter Sport Introduces Tortilla Chips Chocolate Because Why the Hell Not?

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¡Guácala!
¡Guácala!

I have never been to Waldenbuch, Germany, but I’m sure it’s a city teeming with creative people thinking out of the German box.

Take the Ritter Sport chocolate factory, which is pulling all its marketing strings to pitch its latest concoction: the Knusper Tortilla Chips Chocolate, which I’m not really able to describe to you, because these tricky people had the brilliant idea of explaining everything in German.

However, I was able to get a hold of a video, where you can see a bunch of German tortilla chips happily march to their German chocolate dead.

Hat tip: Marco Principato

Trump Rally in Chicago Erupts in Violence, Because the Mexicans

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When in doubt, blame the Mexicans
When in doubt, blame the Mexicans

According to several fair and balanced TV reports, a group of “Hispanics [SIC] in flags and Mexican sombreros” were spotted during Friday night’s chaotic Drumpf rally chanting We stopped Drumpf, We stopped Drumpf!

And that, my friends, only proves one very important thing: That my people not only wear sombreros and sarapes to eat tacos and sleep while holding a bottle of mezcal, but also to demonstrate against fascists.

WATCH and beware of Hispanics with sombreros:

Pillsbury Wants you to Believe this ‘thing’ is a Taco. It’s not

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From the 'What the hell is this?' archives
From the ‘What the hell is this?’ archives

As if Taco Bell’s efforts to sell you “make-believe” Mexican food weren’t enough, Pillsbury is now peddling the Chicken Taco Grande Ring, yet another American-made concoction that will make sure your children will grow up with a twisted idea of what my people (i.e. The Mexicans) really eat.

According to my sources (i.e. my Brooklyn Special Taco Correspondent) there’s even a TV commercial of this thing airing on prime time, declaring “it’s time for the taco to come out of its shell.”

Well, I have news for you, Pillsbury: It’s not time for anything. This “thing” is not even a taco, so Stop. This. Now.

Hat tip: Brooklyn taco correspondent JPFalcone

Lenovo Wants you to Use your Lenovo Laptop to Prepare ‘Taco-Inflated’ Footballs

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'No laptops were hurt in the making of this commercial'
‘No laptops were hurt in the making of this commercial’

Chinese computer manufacturer Lenovo is only the latest company to jump on the “make-believe taco” bandwagon. And what better way to do this than through a tutorial on how to make “taco-inflated footballs?” (whatever those might be.)

Watch Lenovo’s tutorial in the tweet below to learn how to use a Lenovo tablet to grate cheese and ultimately bake a trio of football-looking pastry things that — for some reason — the Chinese company thinks are tacos.

¡Ay, Dios mío!

Even Aliens Know Mexican Avocados are out of this World

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avos

Avocados From Mexico is back on the Super Bowl advertising game with #AvosInSpace, its latest TV commercial that is scheduled to make its official debut on Sunday, during the Big Game in San Francisco.

While the spot is not as adorable as that of last year (remember the polar bear clad in mariachi gear voting for Mexico?) it does a good job highlighting the ridiculousness of what the human race has become.

In the spot we see a bunch of aliens in a spaceship learning about human culture and our most unique Earthly possessions, which include emojis, torture devices (aka airplanes) chia pets and — oh dear — the infamous dress — or as the aliens refer to it, “the white and gold dress that caused a civil war.”

During a brief tour, the guide tells aliens about the most amazing thing of all: The avocados from Mexico, which are always in season, so you can enjoy them all year long.

Via: Avocados From Mexico

Swiss Entrepreneurs Create ‘Magical Machine’ to Make $1 Tortillas

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teamflatev
Mariachi hat: Proof their invention is legit

And just when I thought technology couldn’t get any more ridiculous awesome, a group of sombrero-wearing geniuses hailing from Switzerland have invented Flatev, a machine that promises to deliver “fresh, authentic tortillas in seconds.” In seconds, people, SECONDS!

And what’s the magic behind this thing? Pods, people, pods!

Per the startup’s Website, Flatev uses pods to produce ready-to-eat tortillas. One pod per tortilla.

Think of it like a coffee machine that makes flatbread. Instead of ground coffee, our pods are filled with fresh dough with natural and healthy ingredients.

Why be like Rosa when you can make $1 tortillas?
Why be like Rosa when you can make $1 tortillas?

The best part? Each pod produces one tortilla and each pod will cost you “only” $0.90.  (That is after plunking down about $300 for the actual “magical tortilla machine.”)

WATCH the video [below] to learn how to get Rosa out of the kitchen and replace her with a Flatev thing instead.

#NotTheOnion

Pizza Hut’s ‘Ultimate Mexican Pizza’ Is a ‘Flavour Fiesta’ that Looks Disgusting

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MexicanPizza

Remember McDonald’s German mariachi?

Well, hold on to your sombreros, because now it’s Pizza Hut’s turn to give us yet another revolting concoction that it dares calling “Mexican.”

Pizza Hut’s New Zealand is introducing the “Ultimate Mexican Pizza,” a “flavourful” combination of nachos, quesadillas, jalapeños and stuffed cheese crust, because Why-The-Hell-Not?

In a nutshell: ¡Guácala!