Category: Guacala

Alicia Machado Moves On: Launches Male Fragrance, Develops Extra Limbs, Writes Book

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ 2 Comments
What's with the extra arm? Anybody?
What’s with the extra arm? Anybody?

Former Miss Universe Alicia Machado, who this year jumped to non-Hispanic fame after confessing to having being called horrible things like Miss Piggy and Miss Housekeeping by Horrible-Person Donald Trump (HPDT), is apparently moving on.

The Venezuela native this week took to Twitter to promote her new fragrance, aptly named “Malicia” (get it?) and to inform the world that she’ll be writing a book about … yes, you guessed it! HPDT.

Anyhow, I’m all up for people moving on and get past this sombre, horrible, sad period, but can somebody please explain the third arm?

This blogger is still VERY depressed, so please, go on, amuse me….

Got the Election Blues? Have a ‘Bad Hombres’ Burrito; Wash it Down with Mexican Coca-Cola

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ 1 Comment

corazon

Say what you will about you-know-who* but you cannot deny he has given my people (i.e. The Mexicans *and* The Funny People) plenty to work with.

Take the Bad Hombres burrito, spotted in Portland, Maine, which according to their creators sold out 2 hours after putting it on the menu the day after the last debate.

I can only hope the lucky ones to get their hands on one were able to wash it down with a Mexican Coca-Cola, to further spitte you-know-who*.

*Starting today, this blogger will do her best to stop mentioning this individual by name. 

Via: El Corazón

National Beef Commercial Features Kid Looking Forward to Eating Bad Tacos

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ Leave a comment
Poor thing; he has no idea what awaits him at home
Poor thing; he has no idea…

Remember the weirdly named Spanish-language campaign to make my people eat pork?

Well, now it’s time for beef to have its several seconds of “Latino fame” with a recent national TV spot for Beef: It’s What’s for Dinner, a very important organization whose noble mission is to make us crave beef, beef and more beef.

And, what better way to make people — Latino or not — crave beef than promoting a suspicious-looking beef “taco?”

Take it away, niño feliz!

Hat tip: @tropicarlitos

Mexikosher Opens in New York City, Because Why Not?

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ Leave a comment

MexiKosher

You guys! Mexikosher (aka The Real Mexican Kosher) has opened its doors in Manhattan’s Upper West Side, bringing local residents some strange “Mexican” delicacies, including hot wings, nachos and rice bowls.

According to the well-informed New York Times, MexiKosher is the creation of Mexican-born chef and co-owner Katsuji Tanabe, who follows kosher rules “without compromising on flavor.” This means, apparently, that he can concoct Kosher-challenged meals like birria, carnitas and beef brisket braised in duck fat. Heck, there’s even a “bacon cheeseburger” made with cured beef belly “bacon” and soy cheese.

I don’t know about you, but there are a lot of quotation marks on those “meals,” so I think I’ll pass. For now.

Photo: Laura Martínez, 2016

Two Apparently Nice Ladies Want you to Cover Your Pet’s A-Hole with a Talking Donald Trump

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ Leave a comment

ahole

Speaking of pussy assholes, a duo of advertising ladies are launching the Trump Hole Covers, some sort of weird device to cover your pet’s a-hole with a talking Donald Trump — because the world has definitely gone mad.

Behind this contraption (no pun intended) are Martha Ibarrondo and Evelyn Monroe Neill, two advertising ladies who have had it with with Donald Trump — pretty much like everyone else.

Per their very “intriguing” PR pitch:

“We’re amazed, disgusted, amused and inspired by the 2016 presidential election. We ask you to join in and share, share, share. Help us make #trumpholecover and #trumpcatasstrophy a phenom because really, if anyone ever deserved this place in history, it’s Donald Trump.”

I do not have a pet, but even if I did I’m not sure I would want to cover it’s a-hole with anything (much less with a talking Donald Trump). But apparently there’s something good in all this: According to Ibarrondo and Monroe Neill, your Trump hole cover purchase will support non-profit organizations that serve women and immigrants.

Not convinced yet? How about just doing it for the sarape -and sombrero-clad- pussy?

This pussy has had it with Trump's wall talk
This pussy has had it with Trump’s wall talk

Dominique Ansel and Alex Stupak Think this Thing Is a Taco

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ Leave a comment
Photo: Paul Wagtouicz
Photo: Paul Wagtouicz

Dear Dominique Ansel and Alex Stupak,

I seriously think you guys are lovely and all, but can you please — PLEEEEASE — not call your “swirl of roasted corn caramel, lime zest, sea salt, and smokey salsa verde on the side” concoction an ice-cream taco?

See? I’m getting old and can die from a heart attack real soon.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation

tacoHat tip: Ridiculous NYC food correspondent Lisa Paravano

The Upcoming New York City Floating Taco and Tequila Festival Proves the Apocalypse Is Near

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ 1 Comment
Please help me leave NYC by July 9th
Please help me leave NYC by July 9th

Got $28 and a penchant for eating tacos and drinking tequila while on a cruise ship?

If so, head to New York City on July 9 for the T&T, a “Floating Food Festival” where you’ll be treated with, well, tacos, tequila and — very likely — a violent sea sickness.

VIP admission is $45 but it might be worth it because you’ll get a free “MARGARTIA,” [SIC] which I assume is something better than a MARGARITA.

¡Ay, Dios mío!

Via: Time Out

Crowdfunded Nuni Toaster Wants you to Believe Tortillas Need to be Toasted [They Don’t]

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ 3 Comments
The World's First Tortilla Toaster...
Behold, the world’s first tortilla toaster

If you thought Flatev was a stupid tortilla-related, crowdfunded project, wait until you see Nuni, a “revolutionary” Indiegogo project that promises to give us “the world’s first tortilla toaster,” which is basically a toaster-looking-gadget to, ahem, “toast” tortillas.

I hate to rain on Nuni Toaster’s parade, but last time I checked tortillas needed not be toasted, because, you know? that doesn’t make ANY sense!

Seriously, guys, I appreciate the enthusiasm — especially the VIVA LA TORTILLA tagline — but do me a big favor and go toast something else?

Thank you for your cooperation.

Hat tip: Tortilla Tech Brooklyn Correspondent

Meth-Filled Burritos: Because you Can Wrap Practically Anything in a Tortilla

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ 3 Comments
See? Nothing good comes out of a burrito
See? Nothing good comes out of a burrito

Move over, cocaine-filled tamales. The new wave for smuggling drugs from Mexico into the U.S. consists of stuffing up burritos with methamphetamine.

Customs and Border Protection officers this week said they arrested four Mexican nationals and two Arizona women, during separate weekend smuggling attempts at the Port of Nogales.

In one of those instances, says the U.S. Customs and Border Protection:

A narcotics-detecting canine alerted officers to the presence of drugs and a search determined the woman was carrying more than a pound of methamphetamine in two packages that had been wrapped in tortilla shells to make them look like burritos.

As a proud chilanga who does not eat (and will never eat) a burrito, I can only cheer Customs officials for the feat, and remind my faithful followers of one important fact: Nothing good has ever come out of a burrito.

Hat tip: @lechancle

Mexicans Tweaked Trump’s Taco Bowl; it Was a Thing of Beauty

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ 4 Comments

Solo, solo, solo Sanborn's

On the heels of Donald Trump’s Cinco de Mayo Tweeter brouhaha, my people (i.e. Mexicans on Twitter) used a combination of Photoshop and hilarity to give Trump’s disgusting Taco Bowl a real Mexican flavor. The result was a thing of beauty.

Tamales, anyone?

As if it was possible…

Hate me more [ódiame más]
Hate me more [ódiame más]

La última y nos vamos…

IMG_5733

From the archives of “Mexicans: How can anyone not like us?”

Tweets by @besuqueable, @TacoGuruMx et al.

Donald Trump’s Taco Bowl Tweet Brouhaha Proves Humanity [and Very Likely this Blog] Is Doomed

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ 2 Comments

TheDonald

I seriously don’t know what’s worse, if Donald Trump tweeting a photo of himself on Cinco de Mayo eating a Taco Bowl (whatever that is) to say he loves Hispanics or the avalanche of serious, “investigative news pieces” from “real journalists” attempting to get to the bottom of things.

Seriously, what’s there to get to the bottom of? That the disgusting Walled-Taco-Thing was purchased in a cafe instead of restaurant? That Trump really didn’t tweet that thing today, because he’s in another city?

Man,I miss that time when stuff like this belonged to my stupid blog and not the realm of “investigative journalism.”

Hit them, Adam Weinstein

 

This Coffee Shop Will Be Making ‘Margarita Doughnuts’ on Cinco de Mayo… Because Cinco de Mayo

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ 6 Comments

donutsKane

It’s a full seven days before May 5th, but the marketing nonsense around the American festivity known as Cinco de Mayo is in full swing.

Take Kane’s Donuts, an “iconic Massachusetts doughnut shop,” which has sent out a press release (yes, a press release!) to tout its latest delicious concoction: a boozy-inspired, margarita flavored, green-glazed doughnut.

Fortunately, this thing will be available for a “limited time only” and this blogger hopes it will be limited to residents of Massachusetts.

This doesn’t make any sense, you know?

Salma Hayek to Star as a Lesbian Taco in Upcoming Movie, Because Hollywood

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ Leave a comment

sausage

Hold on to your sombreros!

If you thought Hollywood was running out of awesome ideas, think again. Coming this summer to a movie theatre near you is The Sausage Party, an “adult animated film with talking food,” starring Seth Rogen as Frank, a sausage who lives in a supermarket waiting to be chosen. Yep.

But because American supermarkets — and dinner tables — would be nothing without my people (i.e. Flaming Hot Mexicans,) The Sausage Party also stars Mexican bombshell Salma Hayek who will play the role of — what else? — a Lesbian taco. (Don’t ask.)

It’s a pity no more Mexicans have been cast, since I would have enjoyed a kitchen scene of horny jumping beans. But maybe that’s in store for the 2017 sequel: The Chorizo Fiesta

Anyhow, here’s a trailer of this thing, alas, sans lesbian tacos:

Hat tip: London correspondent 

Tostitos Telenovela Features Catalina Creel, and Lots of Shirtlessness

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ 1 Comment

¡Doble-dippeaste! ¡Sí, lo hiciste!
Clap, clap, clap
Tostitos, the brand that gave us a noseless Sevillana pitching spicy salsa, is back with a [Latin] vengeance; this time with Botanas del cielo, a :60 telenovela that incorporates its new products into a hilarious, over-the-top plotline.

Among this blogger’s favorite: An English-speaking version of eye-patched villain Catalina Creel, accusing her (always shirtless) son Enrique of double-dipping in the brand’s new Chunky Habanero Salsa. “¡Doble-dippeaste!” 

This thing is so hilarious that I’m sort of forgiving Tostitos for their past transgressions.

The series and a trailer are featured on Tostitos.com and the brand’s YouTube channel.

The Milwaukee Taco Fest Is all that Is Wrong with America

~ Mi Blog es tu Blog ~ Leave a comment

tacofest1

If you thought Cinco de Mayo was the ultimate Mexican-themed ridiculousness in America, wait till you see the inner workings of the Milwaukee Taco Fest, an annual extravaganza promising attendees “a day of taco tasting, tequila, margaritas, cervezas and tons of great entertainment.”

And by “great entertainment” we’re not talking about just any great entertainment, no señor, we’re talking live wrestling, a taco-eating contest and — of course — a Chihuahua beauty pageant.

Screen Shot 2016-04-13 at 1.02.35 PMAre you cringing yet?

I’m just about to go shoot myself, but you would be well advised to hold onto your sombreros because this thing is happening real soon and — unfortunately — there’s no stopping them.

Sombrero tip: Gil