You know how smelly children can get –especially if they are Hispanic. But thankfully there are marketers out there who never stop working to bring us the best of their market research translated into products we didn’t know we needed so bad.

So now, and after what seems to be yet another research breakthrough, Disney is launching Pirates of the Caribbean and Buzz Lightyear fragrances, targeting –who else?– Latino boys ages 4-11.

According to Brandweek, the new Disney fragrances will retail between $9.95 and $19.95 and will hit the shelves by September (mmm, just in time for Hispanic Heritage Month). And as it happens so often with these product launches, they are expected to fill an untapped market with “huge potential.” Or, as a Disney executive herself put it: “U.S. males are slower to get into the men’s fragrance arena than European, Latin [sic] and South American men.”

I don’t know about you, but I still remember the smell of my male companions in my Mexico City elementary school: a delicious blend of chalk, pencils, sweat and Pan Bimbo sandwiches. I am not sure my childhood memories would be as strong had they worn a Disney fragrance.

I never thought I would ever be thankful to a market research firm, but this time I am … truly. So, thank you, E-Poll Market Research for giving curvy Latinas in our late (very late) 30s something to live for.

According to research released this week by the Encino, Calif.-based polling firm, Hollywood’s 15 sexiest celebrities are all curvy (very curvy) and over 36.

And, perhaps not surprisingly, topping the list is 40-year-old pregnant Mexican beauty Salma Hayek. (Truth be told, the average age was severely loaded given the fact that Raquel Welch was also among the top 15).

The polling company provides so-called “appeal rankings” for more than 3,000 celebrities (both men and women), and the results showed 65% of the U.S. population would use the term “sexy” to describe Salma, beating out Beyonce, Pamela Anderson, Hally Berry and other not-so-young beauties.

See? Maybe we’ll never be able to beat Brazil or Argentina in a soccer competition, but when it comes to beating anorexic white celebrities, Mexicans are a class of their own. And don’t get me started on the multimillionaires (Slim vs. Gates).

¡Sí se puede! ¡Sí se puede!

Procter & Gamble has a big problem in Mexico: poor people and their insistence on buying things in small packets and in little tienditas –those small stores that refuse to disappear despite Wal-Mart’s best efforts.

An article in today’s Wall Street Journal tells us the story of Martina Perez, who makes 120 pesos a day ($11) sewing by hand, and who instead of buying a full-size bottle of Head & Shoulders shampoo, settles for a 0.34 ounce single-use packet which cost about 19 cents. (What is it with poor people and their shopping habits?)

But worry no more. According to the article, P&G has an army of marketing experts and researches who have spent the last 6 years working on how to deal with the popularity of over 600,000 tienditas, or as P&G likes to refer to them: “high-frequency stores.”

The result is a series of amusing marketing techniques that the consumer products giant is employing to stay ahead of the curve and convert elusive store owners:

– Lobbying for better shelf space: company personnel regularly visit the tienditas and offer to tidy the shelves

– The launch of specialized business magazine Tu negocio (Your business) targeting store owners (will they also teach them how to read? I wonder)

– Offer them management tips, such as how to calculate their profit margins

– Employ “reverse engineering” techniques: rather than create an item and then assign a price to it, P&G first consumers what consumers can afford and my personal favorite:

– Populate the ceilings: following a technique that P&G says has been a tremendous success in Asia, the idea is to have the most hanging products from the ceilings. Dangling items, “research shows” can catch shoppers attention more than products sitting on the shelves. “The ceiling is still a virgin location,” said a P&G executive.

I had no idea what a dry wall “expert” (or drywalero) was. But thanks to a Chicago-based company I now know that is someone who works with drywalls and is eligible for a $5,000 cash award courtesy of Sheetrock, a USG corporation that specializes in, well, dry walls.

And following the example of other “innovative” marketers, this firm is going the extra mile in reaching the Hispanic consumer. Just check out this week’s announcement by Sheetrock with a call for entries looking for the “mero mero drywalero.”

The competition is about identifying -and crowning- “el mero mero drywalero,” loosely translated as the “Best of the Best Drywaller” in Chicago. The first prize is $5,000 in cash. The company has even set up a dedicated Web site with Brazilian-like music included (don’t ask why) luring Mexican-looking guys to apply.

Contest rules call for applicants to be at least 21 years of age, though there is no word of immigration status, which makes me think ‘my people’ are more than qualified for the prize.

Other skills required (verbatim):

1. Contestants will snap and score a Sheetrock Brand gypsum wallboard panel along pre-marked lines.
2. Contestants will then hang the panel on a stud wall structure furnished by USG using 5 drywall screws and a screw gun supplied by USG. Screws must be at least 2 inches apart from each other. (note: Mexican workers will have to be familiar with the inch dilemma).
3. Using a new Sheetrock Brand knife, Contestants will dispense Plus 3^TM Joint Treatment Compound into a pan and mix three times. Water will be already placed in the pan.
4. Contestants will apply the Plus 3^TM Joint Treatment Compound to the panel to cover the 5 screws.
5. Contestants will then place the knife in the pan and put the pan back on the floor.
6. The winner of each round will be the contestant with the fastest time; however, deductions of 5 seconds will be taken for each of the following:
   • dropping more than a teaspoon of compound on the floor
   • overdriving more than one screw
   • failing to cover a screw with joint compound
7. Failure to wear any PPE item will disqualify a contestant

Piece of cake!

I’m sure my fellow Mexicans will do better here than in their previous challenge (playing the U.S. national soccer team) which didn’t turn out that peachy.

Si se puede!!

You may not know this, but we Hispanics are “avid scent seekers.”

That is according to Procter & Gamble, which worked closely with “smell expert” Dr. Alan Hirsch in determining the impact of scents in Latinos’ moods. The result of such exhaustive research is a partnership with Target stores, announced this week, to “Inspire the living environments of Hispanic consumers with scent tips”

I’m not sure exactly what that means but it smells like a plot to push Tide, Febreze, Bounce, Cascade and Downy among “my people.” Funnily enough, after reading the release to my mom (the ultimate Latino housewife) she emphatically said “That’s not true!… I use Clorox all the time, y huele a rayos!”

Procter & Gamble’s “insight” reminded me of that of Coor’s, which recently found out we Latinos are particularly sensitive to “cold” when it comes to drinking beer (“Latinos like it cold”). Or WebMama.com Inc., the search engine marketing company that recently stumbled upon another unprecedented finding: “Hispanics in the U.S. are more comfortable with technology than the general population.”

(Why on earth didn’t I get into marketing? sounds like easy, fun, full of B.S. and certainly better paid than journalism!)

Latino film lovers brace yourselves! The Walt Disney Co. next year will bring you South of the Border, featuring, among many others, Salma Hayek, Andy García, Cheech Marin, Plácido Domingo, Edward James Olmos and even Univision radio personality Eddie “El Piolín” Sotelo.

But don’t expect anything too politically or socially charged. According to IMDB, the plot of South of the Border, currently in pre-production, can be resumed as follows: “While on vacation in Mexico, Chloe, a ritzy Beverly Hills chihuahua, finds herself lost and in need of assistance in order to get back home.”

Alas, none of the Latino luminaries mentioned above will be giving voice to the main character. The job, says The Hollywood Reporter has already been given to Drew Barrymore.

Ay Chihuahua!

Can you tell the difference between these two bottles?

It took me a while, actually. But it turns out the Chinese are producing -and exporting- Cerono beer, which looks and feels exactly like Grupo Modelo’s Corona beer. (Of course, the real one is quite tasteless but that’s not the point here).

Mexican anti-piracy authorities are fuming over Beijing-based Beijing Cerono Trade Limited Company, which last year sold more than one million cases of Cerono worldwide.

The problem does not stop there. The Chinese apparently have also come up with their own brand of “tequila” called Platinum Tequila Infusión, which is also being exported to the United States with the label “Made in Mexico.”