Misbehaving Latinos Wanted for Reality Show

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Let me tell you, it’s so hard to concentrate on a regular job when so many wonderful things keep showing up on the Internet.

According to a job posting on Craigslist, a New York-based casting office, Paladino Casting, is searching for “America’s Numero Uno Telenovela Star” for VH1’s Viva Hollywood, a reality TV show coming this fall.

You can read the entire casting call here -and even apply!- but in a nutshell, you only need to be:

1. Beautiful

2. Stunningly talented

3. Misbehaving

4. Bilingual

5. Willing to do “whatever it takes” to become número uno

…and just as I was getting ready to apply, I realized I would have to agree to be put through “medical, background and psych testing.”

¡Ah, no … Así no! Maybe next time.

Those Spanish Illegal Immigrants…

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Steve Lonegan, the embattled anti-immigrant New Jersey mayor accused of hiring two undocumented Guatemalan workers to do some gardening work, seems to be running out of excuses and explanations. In his latest statements to the New York Times, Mr. Lonegan (in photo) came up with the following:

“The real hypocrites are the liberals who are saying that I should have assumed that because they’re Spanish that they’re illegal. That we’re now going to socially stereotype people and assume they’re illegal.”

Wait a second: “I should have assumed that because they’re Spanish they’re illegal.”??? I am not sure of what Mr. Lonegan is talking about; and while I strongly support his point of not stereotyping people… Did he really think these guys were actually from the Iberian Peninsula?

You never know. This is the same guy who last summer asked McDonald’s to bring down a Spanish-language billboard promoting a café helado. (Does he know where the real Bogota is?… Just curious.)

¡Jesús! A ‘Hispanic’ Jesus Shows up in Texas!

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Reality is definitely weirder –and more fun– than fiction.

Take the dark-skinned, black-haired Jesus that was unveiled Sunday at the Chapel of the Incarnate Word in San Antonio, Texas. According to the local press, a “Hispanic” Jesus (yes! as Hispanic as Nash Finch’s cheese) was brought all the way from Italy (?) to replace the church’s old Caucasian-looking Jesus:

“I never thought about what Jesus looked like before this. It’s like I’m looking at myself,” said a man who helped supervised the $5 million renovation of the chapel. “My wife doesn’t even believe it has brown skin. She says, ‘Every time we’ve seen a figure of Jesus, it’s always been white.’ I told her, ‘Just wait until Sunday and you’ll see.'”

Sadly, we have not been able to witness the miracle (being holed up in New York City and all), but one question remains: How come the Hispanic Jesus had to be brought all the way from Italy? Wouldn’t it be easier to bring it directly from you-know-where? … I mean, I’m sure the fee –Coyote-included– would have been much more affordable, though I guess you don’t want to take any chances with the Minutemen.

Amén!

And Now… Hispanic Cheese!

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You gotta love marketers, always so concerned with giving us -Latinos- a taste of our home countries.

This time the good deed comes courtesy of Nash Finch Co., the Minnepolis $4.6 billion-annual-sales wholesaler that is taking its Avanza Supermarkets to the growing Hispanic population of Omaha. According to a story this week in Progressive Grocer magazine, “The remodeled store will include more than 400 produce items […] a bakery featuring selections of Latino pastries and rolls; and Hispanic cheeses.”

So, while someone comes forward to inform me what Hispanic cheeses are all about, I’m off to make myself a quesadilla with a good, old queso de Oaxaca.

Smile, say cheese and have a great Hispanic Weekend!

Who is offending who?

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Now that the Mexican government has decided to “fully” investigate Paulina Rubio for potentially “desecrating” the Mexican flag… it might also want to spend the same energy and television air-time in investigating Mr. Vicente Fox for alledgedly robbing us blind and leaving us more naked that Rubio herself.

The details of the so-called investigation into Paulina’s posing are now becoming ridiculous: press reports have quoted Director of Democratic Culture and Civic Promotion (don’t you love this title?) Jose Castillo saying Paulina Rubio’s photos [published on Cosmopolitan magazine] must be examined to see whether the article in question is a genuine flag, apparently the only circumstance on which it would be considered an offense.

If you ask me, Paulina can pose naked wherever and however she wishes. My ‘patriotism’ would not be hurt. It would be painful, though, to find out you can still get away with embezzlement, and then make cheerful appearances on U.S. television.

¿Cómo que no? ‘El País’ Reclaims Accent

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Starting Oct. 21, EL PAIS, Spain’s most-widely circulated paper, is getting rid of its diphthong (bet you didn’t know this word!) and reclaiming its rightful accent over the “i” so that it will now read EL PAÍS (as opposed to EL PAIS.)

An upcoming redesign will incorporate spelling norms dictated by the Real Academia de la Lengua Española, which in 1999 declared capital letters should be spelled with an accent. Finally! said proponents of the accent.

La renovación que EL PAÍS emprenderá el próximo día 21 no sólo afectará al diseño de sus páginas y a la manera de contar las noticias. Los cambios afectarán incluso a la cabecera. La marca EL PAÍS se escribirá con tilde para que su grafía no entre en contradicción con las normas ortográficas que se aplican en el resto del periódico.

Mexicans ‘Quieren’ Taco Bell… Do They?

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Aren’t Mexicans lucky? Not only they will now have access to Ugly Betty, but they will be able to enjoy the show while savoring a delicious… tacostada from Taco Bell!

The company, a unit of Yum Brands, this week said it will return to Mexico after a failed attempt 15 years ago, in hopes of establishing up to 300 franchises in the country. But don’t think it will get away with murder: Taco Bell has said that what they call “tacos” here in the U.S. (those hard-shell yellow things probably made in China) will be called “tacostadas” south of the border … see? it’s because we know what a taco looks like!

Steve Pepper, Taco Bell’s general manager in Mexico, insists the company doesn’t pretend to insult Mexicans by selling its products as “typical.” In fact, Mr. Pepper informs us the menu will use the word “spicy,” not “picante,” –which coming from a guy called Pepper should give the information some kind of credibility.

Ay, ay, ay, yo no quiero Taco Bell!

Mexico’s Cable Line Up Gets Uglier

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Mexican TV viewers are bracing for a traumatic event: Ugly Betty, the English-language, U.S.-produced remake of the Spanish-language Colombian telenovela Betty la Fea, is ready to make its debut in Mexico… in English, with Spanish-language subtitles. (Sounds like the “historic” Univision Spanish-language-English debate

According to Reforma newspaper Ugly Betty is ready for its debut soon via the Sony Entertainment channel, giving my fellow Mexicans yet more crap to watch (this time Made in U.S.A.)

Can Somebody Please Give me an Award? (I’m Hispanic!)

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That’s it! Now that Billboard magazine and the Hollywood Reporter have named America Ferrera “Hispanic Woman of the Year,” (with a gala and whole enchilada included) I decided there is no reason for me not to be nominated for something —whatever (I’m not that picky).

So while I wait for some organization to realize I’m here and contact me with the great news, I am hereby nominating myself as the “Disgruntled, non-Famous, Certainly-not-Mainstream, Harlem-Beaner-Blogger of the Week.”

And if you think I have no reasons to support my claim, check out just a few of the awards that are out there (so many awards so little time to win them all!).

-Hispanic Entrepreneur of the Year (Hispanic Business Magazine)

-Hispanic Businessman of the Year (U.S. Hispanic Chamber of Commerce)

–Hispanic Businesswoman of the Year (U.S. Hispanic Chamber of Commerce)

-Hispanic Engineer of the Year (NASA)

-Hispanic Science of the Year (The Museum of Science and Industry)

-Hispanic Journalist of the Year (Hispanic Media Awards)

-Inspiring Young Latinos (Selecciones magazine)

-Hispanic Heritage Award (Hispanic Heritage Foundation)

-Hispanic of the Year (Hispanic Magazine)

-Latino Lawyer of the Year (Hispanic National Bar Association)

-Hispanic Nurse of the Year (The Hispanic Nurses)

…The list goes on, and on, and on….

Retiring in Mexico is Great! (If You’re not Mexican)

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Speaking of being rich in Mexico, International Living magazine has named my native country as the world’s “number one” retirement haven, moving four spots since the last ranking one year ago.

Achieving this “honor,” the magazine informs us, was a combination of many factors:

Mexico offers the perfect mix of centuries-old traditions and contemporary lifestyles. Moving to Mexico means you can still have all of the amenities you grew accustomed to north of the border: cable TV, high-speed Internet, and modern home appliances. And if you prefer, when you move to Mexico you can even bring all of your favorite things with you without paying import taxes.

Of course Mexicans shouldn’t get too excited. This, of course, applies only if you are a gringo (and maybe –just maybe– a Canadian). After all, you don’t have to sweat to get a visa, nor you have to pay a pollero or risk your life jumping an electrified fence to get there.

But if the above is not convincing enough, check this out:

Goods and services cost less, so you can afford the kinds of luxuries only the very wealthy enjoy up north: a maid, a cook, and a gardener for example. In your retirement here, you’ll have time to volunteer at the local school, time to golf in the mornings, time to relax on the beach…time to savor life.

All of this without mentioning all the cheap Coronas and bikini-clad chicas ready to give you pleasure on top of a hamaca. Ay, ay, ay! “Yo querer mucho Mexico!”

Fox Choses to Share His ‘Wisdom’ Only With Gringos

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Vicente Fox is one tricky bastard. While Mexican authorities and legislators investigate the legality of some of his fortunes, the former president has launched Revolution of Hope, an English-language book out this week in the U.S.

The book, which The Economist labeled as “lightweight”, has a price tag of $18.45, beating the words of other politicians, including Bill Clinton’s Giving ($14.97) and Barak Obama’s The Audacity of Hope ($10.17) and José María Aznar’s Eight Years as Head of State ($17.90)

Well at least he couldn’t beat Alan Greenspan, whose The Age of Turbulence can be found for $20.99 at Amazon.com.

Lies That Reach for the Stars

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Just when I was getting green with envy at Penélope Cruz’ perfect, telescopic eyelashes, the company pitching them as “reaching for the stars” acknowledges they are, well, fake.

After a series of complaints before Spain’s main consumer advocate group, Consumidores en Acción, cosmetics giant L’Oréal has now modified its television commercial.

In the TV spot currently being broadcast in Spain viewers can see a tiny message on the botton of the screen that reads: “anuncio realizado con inserciones de pestañas” (commercial done with lash inserts.) Oh, dear!

Your message here: ¡a huevo!

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In these days of alternative marketing, you see ads pretty much everywhere, but … in an egg?

A marketing company in my native Mexico, Güevomedia, is offering clients a real exposure by putting their message in “millions and millions” of eggs. I don’t know if this really works, but the firm claims the average person will look at an egg up to four or five times before actually buying one. But if this is not convincing enough, consider this: Mexicans are among the world’s highest biggest egg-eaters: the average Mexican household consumes 20.96 eggs per week.

You think it’s crazy? current and past clients include Adidas, MasterCard, Oreos, Sony and Nike.

¡A güevo!

Univision makes Madison Avenue laugh (real hard)

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It’s not very often that I find Univision content particularly entertaining or interesting. But a showcase of bilingual Latino stand up comedians this week was a pleasant, refreshing surprise coming from a network that is not particularly known for innovating. During over one hour, five of the nation’s finest Hispanic stand-up comedians brought out the best of their repertoire to mock not only themselves but the whole U.S. Hispanic world as you know it.

But don’t get too excited. Univision has not revamped its prime-time line up or added Spanglish comedy routines to its programming. The show I’m talking about was a live event on Tuesday Sept. 25 as part of Advertising Week, which Univision is partly sponsoring this year. During the “Hispanic Insights Through Comedy” event, media and advertising executives laughed their heads off with the smart remarks of a talented group of Latino entertainers –Andrew Kennedy, Gina Brillon, Eric Nieves, Arnold Acevedo and Bill Santiago.

Besides the obvious sales pitch (here and there the entertainers will praise novelas and other Univision shows) the event did something rarely seen in this growingly PC media environment: make fun of Hispanics and gringos alike, switching easily from English to Spanish and then Spanglish, engaging a presumably smart audience.

I wonder if Univision can take a cue from its own event to replicate it over the air. That would be fun!