Category: Stupid propositions

Amazon Will Have you Assemble your Own Tacos al Pastor, Because it’s 2017 and the End is Near

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Are you dying for a trio of juicy tacos al pastor but happen to live in the middle of Iowa? Worry not! Amazon has you covered!

Starting very soon, Amazon will begin delivery of “Meal Kits,” a service similar to Blue Apron, which will provide you with all the pieces necessary to ensamble your own meal! Take the Tacos al Pastor kit, which includes jalapeños, salsa verde, chipotle marinade, pork loin, pineapple, cilantro, radishes, pico de gallo and — alas — flour tortillas, because this is America, people, and that’s that. So, suck it.

Check out below all the goodies you’ll get and the instructions to ensamble your own Tacos al Pastor.

Now, allow me to go hang myself…

Sombrero tip: Oscar Gutiérrez

Via: CNET en Español

Trump Wants His Border Wall to be Transparent, so People Don’t Get Hit on the Head with Flying Drugs

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Who would want to be hit on the head with one of these?

Mr. Donald Trump is a very creative fellow, so it shouldn’t surprise you to know he has come up with an awesome idea for that U.S.-Mexican wall he will build and my people will pay for it: He wants to it to be transparent… The reason?

Here’s how the president actually explained this to journalists:

“As horrible as it sounds, when they throw large sacks of drugs over, and if you have people on the other side of the wall, you don’t see them. […] They hit you on the head with 60 pounds of stuff? It’s over.”

Wow! It’s all so simple, yet brilliant! And I’m glad to have such a thoughtful leader in charge of the free world.

Gracias, Señor Presidente!

Trump Meets Peña Nieto in Germany. A Tragicomedy Ensues

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It was brief –and painful.

U.S. President Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto on Friday had their first face-to-face meeting since Trump took office, and while the encounter lasted only a few minutes, it was enough for El Trumpo to assert that he’ll “absolutely” have Mexico pay for his famous wall.

Fortunately for this blogger — and the world at large — Mexican tuiteros came through to spice up the otherwise tragic encounter.

Here are only a few of my favorite Twitter moments of this year’s G-20 meeting. Be sure to come back, as I’m going to be updating this post throughout this hilarious/tragic day.

Leadership

Real Life Memes

Clueless Leader

Hear No Evil

What? I didn’t Hear Anything

Human Sacrifice

Video via ABC News

Move Over, ‘Guardians of the Galaxy;’ Mexico Wants you to See ‘Guardianes de la Galatzia’ Instead

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It is becoming increasingly difficult to keep blogging, when Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Stories et al keep beating me to the punch, like, by the second. But there are things that are just so beautiful that they deserve to be immortalized in this venerable, non-for-profit, read-by-nobody blog. And this is one of them.

So there. Enjoy. And repeat after me: “Mexicans: How can anyone not love us?”

This Laser Hair Removal Biz in Brazil Wants you to Know Frida Would Have Been Better off Using their Services

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Ummmm, no

Some laser hair removal shop in Brazil called Espaçolaser thought it would be a great idea to use a Before-After image of Frida Kahlo showing how unbelievably different (presumably better) she would have looked AFTER undergoing a hair laser removal therapy with them.

Well, I’ve got news for you, people:

Ummmm, no!

Go home, Espaco Laser, you’re drunk.

Trump’s White House Tweets in what it Thinks is the Spanish Language

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¡Sorpresa! The White House’s Spanish Twitter account sucks

It’s been over five months since the tragic day President Donald Trump took over the White House, and yet it seems determined to keep ignoring Spanish speakers. Or at least that’s what one can surmise after reading the tweets coming out of @LaCasaBlanca, the White House’s Spanish twitter account, which is a mix of bad Spanish with even worse Spanglish.

The above annotations (by the editors of The Associated Press) are only a small fraction of the horror that this thing is, not to mention that many tweets were actually sent out in English, because why bother?

The @LaCasaBlanca Twitter handle was restored in February after having disappeared following Trump’s inauguration. The Spanish-language Twitter account that was active during the Obama years has moved to @LaCasaBlanca44 and is currently managed by the National Archives and Records Administration (NARA.)

Via: CNET en Español

Group Wants Immigrants to Speak English; Americans not Required to do the Same

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Sure, dude, whatever!

The Center for Immigration Studies, a so-called think tank I’ve never heard of, has published a very long report that basically concludes immigrants are illiterate and that Hispanics, in particular, “lag far behind other migrant populations in the U.S. when it comes to developing proficiency in English.”

The study, of course, was widely cited in several conservative publications, notably the Drudge Report (duh) and even gathered enough steam to call for an end of political correctness and launch a national Speak English Initiative.

“The importance of English literacy cannot be overstated,” wrote Jason Richwine, the author of the study and yet another person unknown to this blogger. “Without language proficiency, immigrant families will find it difficult to succeed in the mainstream of American society, and high rates of English illiteracy may be a sign of poor immigrant assimilation.”

In other words, as Mrs. Palin has warned us repeatedly: If you, people, want to be here… let’s speak American!

TAKE IT AWAY, SARAH!

This Fashion Designer Will not Leave Home Without Tajín, Because Life without Mexican Spices Is Dull

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Tajín: Don’t Leave Home Without it
I don’t care much for fashion designers, nor what they carry — or not — in their bags when they travel. However, you have to give it to Luxury Menswear designer Michael Bastian for informing us about his obsession with Tajín, the ubiquitous Mexican spice that has been getting traction among — who else? — hipsters and millennials on this side of the border.

As Mr. Bastion himself wrote in New York magazine:

I’ve seen people use it to rim a margarita glass, to shake on watermelon and oranges, or on scrambled eggs. Amazing on corn on the cob. It’s great on everything, particularly in the summer. Keep it in your carry-on and go crazy.

So far so good, Michael, and we’re willing to go crazy with you, but here’s a useful, free-of-charge piece of advice: Why pay $9 for a 14 oz. Tajín bottle in Amazon when you can buy, like, dozens of those in Mexico for that price? I mean, nobody wants to be taken for a ride, and I’m sure you’re not the exception…

You are welcome.

Hat tip: @minsd 

Today in Awesome English to Spanish Translations…

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The above sign was spotted at a posh resort, but I’m pretty sure they did not use Google to translate the text into Spanish. I literally just pasted the English text into my Google Translate app, and it came up with a pretty decent Por favor, apague las duchas cuando haya terminado.

[See below]

So here’s a piece of advice for English-speaking hotel owners out there: If you must choose between your high-school Spanish and Google Translate… Go with the latter.

¡GRACIAS!

Attention, Mexicans! The Border Wall Will be Solar, Cheaper, so We’ll Have more Money for Tacos

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Sick of bad news? I have some good news for you. No, actually I have some GREAT news for y’all.

Our Commander in Chief this week reiterated his promise to build a huge, beautiful wall along the Mexico-U.S. border. But unlike previous reports, it looks like this thing will not be your regular wall, ¡no señor!: It will be a solar wall, one that will create energy, and thus will pay for itself. That way, said the-man-who-shall-not-be-mentioned, “Mexico will have to pay much less money, and that’s good.”

But that is not good, it is SUPER good, because you know what “much less money” spent on the wall means, right? It means we’ll have extra cash for tacos, tamales, garnachas and the like. So, YAY!

Make Garnachas Affordable Again!

Just WATCH!

#MGAA

This Beer Features Donald Trump Wearing a Mariachi Hat and a Swastika Belt Buckle — for some Reason

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No, I don’t feel like buying/drinking this thing

People have got to stop doing this.

According to my sources (i.e. the World Wide Web) Mexican and U.S. brewers have gotten together to reinvent Donald Trump as a “gun-slinging mariachi” to promote Amigous, a beer supposed to “celebrate cross-border cooperation.” But the gun is only the beginning. From the little I could read, Trump’s trousers are held up with a swastika belt buckle, and the rear label of the beer informs the reader that the 71-year-old New Yorker belongs “in a mad house, not the White House.”

The “innovative” product comes on the heels of the Trump-inspired toilet paper and other crazy ideas out there.

I am not going to spend too much time on talking about this thing, because 1) I’m super busy and 2) It’s almost impossible to keep up with all the marketing nonsense around our current administration and the dark, sad hole we’ve all fallen into.

So… wake me up in 2024, will ya?

Via: Univision

‘Super Mario Odyssey’ Adds Mexico Level; Sombreros and Guitars Galore, so Yay! 🇲🇽

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New level takes place in a Mexican town called — what else? — Tostarena

Some people are really losing their sh*t over Super Mario Odyssey, Nintendo’s upcoming game for the Nintendo Switch set to release in October.

The reason? Among the challenges to be faced by our cute mustachioed friend is a new “Mexican level,” a town called — what else? — Tostarena, which is populated by “colorful skull-headed creatures in ponchos and sombreros.”

Not only I’m not offended by this idea; I’m so totally looking forward to playing this thing. I mean, everyone here looks very happy, has a guitar, wears a sombrero and — I can only hope — eats tostadas all day.

So, ¡ajúa!

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‘Despacito’ Makes it to ‘Conan’, and I’m Losing my Mind ‘Poquito a Poquito’

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While y’all were busy reporting on the latest tweets of our Commander in Chief, Luis Fonsi paid a visit to Conan O’Brien, because life is determined to drive me crazy poquito a poquito…

I don’t know you, but if the creators of the “smashing hit” have their way, I will end up very soon in a mental institution or — better yet — chopping my head off so I don’t have to hear THAT THING EVER AGAIN.

Via: Luis Fonsi/Instagram

Having Solved Mexico’s Most Pressing Issues, Peña Nieto Moves on to Protect Marine Wildlife

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Enrique Peña Nieto mesmerized by the ‘vaquita marina’ as Leonardo DiCaprio looks on

Mexico might be on the brink of social unrest and political disaster — and it’s clear we will never know what happened to the 43 of Ayotzinapa — but our nation’s Commander in Chief has set his sights on one important cause: To protect the vaquita marina, the “world’s rarest marine mammal” with the aid of two unusual partners, Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim and Oscar-winning actor Leonardo DiCaprio.

And why is this important, may you ask?

Per the local media:

Vaquita porpoises – the smallest of six extant porpoise species, can become entrapped in the nets and subsequently die, which has led to a sharp decline in their numbers.

Yeah, they seem to be vanishing, just like students from marginalized rural colleges around Mexico. SAD!

At this point I’m not sure which one of my “two countries” I’m most ashamed of.

Via: Mexico Daily News