Well, the General Mills’ owned brand is back in the news, now with the launch of “Tortilla Pockets Kits,” because apparently their target consumers are too dumb to eat a regular taco made with real tortillas.
Tortilla Pockets, say their creators, “are sealed at the bottom to offer a mess-free solution at mealtimes and are ideal for a quick bite on the go.” And, no, this is not a joke. They’re already on sale in England and Australia.
Oh and “food” writers and editors seem to totally dig them!
“Eating tacos is a precarious business. After years of practise, few of us have perfected the fine art of filling a taco and getting it into our mouths without losing half of it to the floor,” writes Erina Starkey, a restaurant and news editor in Australia, which -granted- is not really known for its Mexican gastronomy. “The nifty pocket design provides a perfect cup for filling up with mince, cheese and salad so you never have to worry about dry-cleaning those salsa stains again.”
As if I didn’t have enough bad news these days, someone just mentioned Cauliflower, a Los Angeles-based company determined to “reinvent our favorite foods” with healthier options, including cauliflower rice, cauliflower chips and cauliflower pizza dough.
While I couldn’t care less about what they do to rice and pizza, they’re now proudly peddling the ¡Viva Cauliflower Tortilla! apparently because people really really needed a grain-free, cauliflower tortilla to wrap God knows what in them.
“Caulipower’s mission is to listen to what people want,” Gail Becker, founder and CEO of Caulipower, told Baking Business. “Like pizza, tortillas are beloved, versatile and a natural fit for us to create a better-for-you option.”
Listen, Gail, I’m sure you’re all healthy and all that, but who are you to say this is a better-for-me option? Last time I checked, my better-for-me-option was a deliciously greasy set of carnitas wrapped in –what else?– a double corn tortilla.
Besides, if you really really want a healthy meal, just go squash some cauliflower and roll things inside it, but don’t call these things tortillas if you don’t want me to throw a fit.
And just when I thought technology couldn’t get any more ridiculous awesome, a group of sombrero-wearing geniuses hailing from Switzerland have invented Flatev, a machine that promises to deliver “fresh, authentic tortillas in seconds.” In seconds, people, SECONDS!
And what’s the magic behind this thing? Pods, people, pods!
Per the startup’s Website, Flatev uses pods to produce ready-to-eat tortillas. One pod per tortilla.
Think of it like a coffee machine that makes flatbread. Instead of ground coffee, our pods are filled with fresh dough with natural and healthy ingredients.
The best part? Each pod produces one tortilla and each pod will cost you “only” $0.90. (That is after plunking down about $300 for the actual “magical tortilla machine.”)
WATCH the video [below] to learn how to get Rosa out of the kitchen and replace her with a Flatev thing instead.
Not content with giving us the Mexican-themed, culturally relevant Tortillas Crisps, Pringles is at it again, this time with a chicken taco chip thing called — what else? — “Kickin’ Chicken Taco,” which according to Pringles itself are naturally and artificially flavored and sit on top of a cartoon-like taco truck.
I don’t know if the Kickin’ Chicken Taco Chips are “truly original” (such a claim has gone suspiciously missing) but I’m pretty sure they taste like a Kick in Your You-Know-What.
Oh… never mind. I just realized the TACOS in this story were some kind of U.S. Air Guard for New Mexico during World War II and not the delicious ones that consist of yummy stuff wrapped in a tortilla.
In case you’re wondering, (I’m sure you are) the Pringles tortilla chips come in three flavors: Truly Original, Nacho Cheese, and Southwestern Ranch. You might also want to know (I do) that Walmart also carries “Zesty Salsa” as an exclusive flavor.
To promote the Pringles Tortillas, the company is using the tagline Pop, Crunch, Olé! because as everybody knows, “Olé” is a typical Spanish expression that Spanish-speaking people in Spanish-speaking Spain use while enjoying a really good tortilla…
That’s it my friends. Remember the New York sixtuplets, the first ever born to a Hispanic couple? Soon, they will be joining the billions millions of little ones taking over populating America’s kindergartens. According to the latest Census data:
“Nearly a quarter of all the nation’s kindergarten students are Hispanic, more than triple the rate during the 1970s.”
That is roughly ….a lot of chilpayates.
And wait ’till you hear some staggering statistics about tortillas consumption. Stay tuned. More Census data to come.