If you ever take the I-95 road going North from South Carolina you will hit South of the Border, a tourist attraction featuring all kinds of fun and entertainment “Mexican-style” para toda la familia. The place includes a dedicated amusement park, Pedroland, named after the site’s “lovable mascot:” a sleepy Mexican called, what else? Pedro. Visitors are greeted by a gigantic sombrero-clad character (Pedro?) who stands guard outside a gift shop, while cars roll between its legs.

Described by its owners as “a unique amalgam of Dixie and Old Mexico” South of the Border offers visitors the added benefit that “its inhabitants speak English and its water is safe to drink.” The tacky tourism oasis employs around 750 people, all of whom are dubbed “pedros,” and features sombrero-shaped restaurants and a mini-golf course aptly called El Golfo de Mexico.

Although one might appreciate the effort by the park’s creator –the late Alan Schafer– its management could use some help from the real Mexicans quickly populating the South to polish the Spanish on its Web site. See? you cannot say “Coméis con Pedro” to pitch the park’s restaurants; nor say “Compramos!” to promote shops, in which you are actually “vendiendo” not “comprando” anything. Hotels and camping sites are for sleeping, not for “siesta aquí.”

And don’t get me started on the sleepy Mexican featured on the “Contact Pedro” page. How on earth is he supposed to answer our emails when he’s always sleeping it off?

People who like to stereotype Latinos think we only watch telenovelas and crappy reality-show television, and that when it comes to literature, if its not People en Español or TV y Novelas, you can forget about us.

But now, for all of us who are into literature comes Thalia: Belleza! Lessons in Lipgloss and Happiness, a book presumably written by the former Timbiriche member and current wife of Tommy Mottola (does she have any other credentials?). Publishing house Chronicle Books said it will publish two editions, one in English and one in Spanish, and will support the launch with a major marketing campaign featuring the currently pregnant beauty.

The book’s beauty tips include how to make the most out of Latinas’ “natural skin condition” –whatever that means– and is coming soon to a bookstore near you for “only” $19.95.

I just hope Chronicle hired a good editor to work on Ms. Thalia’s writing. Last time I checked, he could not tell the difference between “prototype” and “logotype.”

In their quest for innovation, Hispanic marketers cannot seem to avoid using racist notions of color and looks. Soon after Kmart announced it was releasing a line of ethnic dolls, Brass Key Inc. has now come out with its own line of Quinceañera dolls, but these are not for rough playing but small porcelain collectibles designed to “let the littlest Latinas live out their Quinceañera fantasies.”

And despite all we’ve been saying about stereotypes and Hispanic-looking people, Brass Key is quick to point out that its Princesa Quinceañera line features “distinctly Hispanic facial features and hair styles.”

Maybe I’m missing something here but a) I stopped playing with dolls when I was about 12, and b) I still haven’t figure out what a distinctly Hispanic facial feature and hair style is. Can anybody help?

Now that minorities are the majority in lots of places and the U.S. Census keeps insisting Hispanic is a race, K-mart is hoping to undergo a multicultural make-over with a series of “ethnic-looking” dolls.

According to BusinessWeek, though black and Hispanic dolls have been around for a long time, the newer incarnations “try harder at authenticity, rather than simply tinting the hair and skin from “white” dolls.” (I wonder if this means they speak with an accent, eat funky food, and go out to protest against immigration laws.)

The new dolls, which will roll out in full next month, are supported by an advertising campaign in the store’s circulars and designed to appeal to black, Hispanic and Asian parents.

(In the photo: Amazing Allysen -Ethnic. $99.99, which according to the retailer’s Web site, can interact with girls through a system of voice recognition)

Judging from this picture (out this month in Conde Nast’s special Fashion Rocks edition, which arrived with my monthly subscription of Vanity Fair) El Cantante and la esposa de El Cantante not only look tired and bored out of their minds, they even look a bit high.

My fellow bloggers at irreverent Guanabee.com even opened up a contest today inviting users to submit captions for the photo (above). I have not yet seen the responses, but here’s mine:

“Was that movie long or what?”

If you thought you had seen it all in Hispanic marketing, wait ’till you hear about the latest from Weber-Stephen Products Co., which this week launched a Hispanic grilling contest, calling on participants to demonstrate their “patriotic spirit and passion for grilling” by entering the “Únete a la Onda Latina. ¡a Weber!” grilling contest.

According to a company a media advisory, Hispanic grillers will have until Aug. 18 to participate and win two round-trip airline tickets to a selected destination in Latin-American [SIC], among other goodies, including a professional grilling class.

And just so you know, the same company that is sending the lucky winners to Latin-American is asking participants to send original recipes and a short video demonstrating their grilling skills with “clarity of expression.”

I would love to share my grilling experience with Weber but, alas, I live in a 9th floor apartment in Manhattan (no balcony). But, I hope they will accept this picture of a “free grill” that a friend of a friend of a friend forwarded some time ago for no apparent reason and which I saved also for not apparent reason.

You know how we Latinos are. If it’s not tequila or beer (very cold by the way) we just don’t seem to like anything, much less water. But worry no more! Hispanic marketers -as always- come to the rescue, this time with “Aloa-enhanced bottled watter.”

In a recent effort to tap the “giant Hispanic consumer market”, a company in Corpus Christi, Texas, has launched Everest Extra With Aloe, a new bottled water enhanced with Aloe, that “misterious” plant we Hispanics insist on putting everywhere.

The beverage officially was launched at last week’s Hispanic Retail conference in Dallas, Texas and is being pitched for the abundant health properties of Aloe “particularly in the Hispanic culture,” said the company in a press release.

Pssst marketers: Want Latinos to drink more water? put a little rum in it. We’ll drink it!

“I definitely want my children to know Spanish. That’s important. It’s something that I want to start speaking early on in the house, so I’m brushing up on my Spanish and taking out my lesson tapes on tour.”

Christina Aguilera in her most recent interview with In-Style magazine. The singer, who just found out she is expecting a girl, is due sometime in December. How about taking some extra clothes along with her tapes?

Want to sell stuff in Mexico? Reach out to Jesus Christ.

That is exactly what computer retailer Compumac did to pitch its MacMerchandise in Queretaro, one of Mexico’s most pious cities: an image of Jesus wearing the ubiquitous white earphones begs: “Father forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing,” presumably referring to those buying non-authorized stuff. “Buy your iPod from an authorized retailer.”

Is there anything sacred? … Jesus!

(photo: Reforma.com)

Here’s a good one. Macy’s department this week said it will no longer sell a T-shirt that turned out to offend the same people it was intended to please: Latino shoppers.

Such offending T-shirt, which sold for $24.95, reads “Brown is the New White,” which was deemed just too much for Latinos to take. In a statement, the company did not mention such an item by its name but said “We apologize if customers have found some of the merchandise offensive and have removed the style that they found objectionable.”

Macy’s may have pulled the “objectionable” T-Shirt but the controversy goes on at a dedicated FoxNews blog with Latinos seriously divided over the issue: while some are calling on a general Macy’s boycott, others claim the T-Shirt is actually pretty cool (and don’t get them started on Black Power-labeled clothing.)

As for myself, I’m still stunned… $24.95 for a crummy Made-in-El Salvador T-Shirt? you gotta be kidding me!