Category: Mexico

Unshocking Revelation: Gringos Think Mexico is Unsafe

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If you survived Black Friday and managed not to be trampled by some lunatic mob at your local Walmart, chances are you’re already planning your Christmas vacation. But if you are like the average American whimp person, it is very likely Mexico is not among your top ten winter destinations.

According to the most recent survey coming out from the land obsessed with surveys, 72% of Americans think Mexico is unsafe, and not because they fear they will go into a cardiac arrest for gulping down tons of cheap tequila in Cancún. They are mostly concerned about being shot by some druglord as soon as they set foot at the airport.

But weary Americans should not despair, and instead thank the nation’s undocumented and documented Hispanic immigrants for the latest trend in U.S. tourism: Latin American cultural immersion trips in the comfort of your own city.

¡Sí, señor! Latinos are using the neighborhoods we’ve taken away from gringos to lure them back, and invite them to get a taste of our fun, dance, food and drink-filled culture. And no, you don’t need to get a passport, nor take a malaria pill. And -more importantly- chances of surviving are actually at a healthy 95%

So, what are you waiting for? Come enjoy U.S. Latin America without the dangers and annoyances of the real Latin America.

I’m Sure Cynthia Duque Will do a Fine Job Representing my People at the 2013 Miss Universe Pageant

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Mexico_Duque
Mexican beauty queen Cynthia Duque wears a “typical” Mexican costume that will surely end up in a wardrobe malfunction of catastrophic proportions.

I’m proud to introduce you guys to Cynthia Duque Garza, the Monterrey native beauty who will represent my people (i.e. the Mexicans) at this year’s Miss Universe beauty pageant in Moscow.

As we all know, beauty queens are not particularly sharp, but I’m sure Ms. Duque will do a fine job representing Mexico. For starters, she has picked this awesome, typically Mexican outfit, which I’m sure will give her some extra points and help teach these Russians a thing or two about Mexico’s culture and heritage.

I don’t know about you, but I will tune in on Nov. 9th to root for my paisana and pray for her not to trip over and land on her penacho.

Daft Punk Comes Out of Mexican Closet… At Last!

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Daft_Punk_Mexican

Please don’t pretend you don’t know Daft Punk’s Lucky is a song about Uruapan and Mexican Lucky stuff.

This is clear from the French duo’s very Mexican lyrics.

Like the legend of the Phoenix,
All ends with beginnings.
What keeps the planets spinning,
The force from the beginning.

We’ve come too far
To give up who we are,
So let’s raise the bar
And our cups to the stars.

She’s up all night to the sun,
I’m up all night to get some.
She’s up all night for good fun,
I’m up all night to get lucky.

We’re up all night to the sun,
We’re up all night to get some.
We’re up all night for good fun,
Uruapan Mexican Lucky

Uruapan Mexican Lucky.

Uruapan Mexican Lucky.

Uruapan Mexican Lucky.

Here’s the full Spanish-language version, via @gabardina:

The t-shirt is -of course- the work of the always brilliant Máscara de Látex.

Photo and h/t: Richo González

Here’s How We Plan to Take Over the U.S. [Part II]

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quintillizosB

I said this in 2008 and I’ll say it again: Hispanics are a resourceful bunch and have crafted a brilliant master plan to take over the U.S: It’s quite simple, come to think about it: Reproduce quickly and in large quantities.

In the latest installment of the Here’s How We Plan to Take Over the U.S. series, a Latino couple in Nebraska (Yes, I repeat, Nebraska) last week became the proud parents of quintuplets. Mara, Cristóbal, Ximena, Arleth and Roselyn -what else?- García came to this world in July as a five-fold bundle of joy.

¡Welcome pues, paisanos!

Move Over, Barbie! El Chavo Is Coming to a Store Near You

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ChavoToys

And you thought Mexico’s only contribution to this glorious country were tacos, salsa and drug-related violence…

Starting mid-August a new line of El Chavo toys will be available at major U.S. retailers, including Toys R Us, Kmart, Walmart and -ahem, ahem- Target, the corporation behind this awesome Hispanic guide targeted to non-Hispanics who wish to understanding Hispanics.

I don’t know you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on a tiny plush version of La Popis or Doña Florinda, which I’m sure are all going to be Made-in-China, but isn’t everything Made-in-China these days?

[I’d take a Ñoño doll a hundred times over this other one]

Target Corp. Missed Some Crucial Insights About Hispanics

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Me_Hat_Tacos_etc
Some Hispanics (including myself, above pictured) do like to wear hats and funky dresses while cooking inedible stuff using the Guatemalan flag and a poster of a Flamenco dancer as background. Don’t ask.

In light of recent developments, (news that Target Corp.’s management gave bosses some very valuable information about Hispanics) this blogger decided to add a few items to an already stupid comprehensive list of how to go about Hispanic employees.

Target Corp.’s document, first published by Courthouse News Service, informed company managers that “Not all Hispanic employees eat tacos, dance to salsa or wear sombreros,” (ignore the above photograph for one second) or that Mexicans have lower education and “might be undocumented.” So far so good… But it missed some equally important, and worth-making points… So, let’s just get right to them, shall we?

1) Mexicans will always end a sentence with “ito” no matter how much they hate your guts and wish to kill you: i.e. “Con permisito;” “Por favorcito,” “Al ratito,” “Un momentito,” etc.

2) Argentines will go out of their way to convince you they are not Hispanic, which is OK because they really are not, and chances are they are not working at Target anyhow. They will always end up a sentence with “boludo.”

3) Cubans are not only political refuges and better educated –as your document accurately states. They are going to throw a fit every time they see the “other Latinos” wearing a Ché Guevara T-shirt or any other outfit reminiscent of the so-called Cuban revolution. More often than not, Cubans will side with the gringos; not with the Latin ‘chusma.’

4) Not all Mexicans are into tacos: Actually, most of us prefer tortas ahogadas, mondongo, pozole, pancita, machitos, moronga, criadillas, tlayudas, pambazos, etc. etc.

5) Puerto Ricans will probably pay zero attention to whatever you tell them: They are going to be busy listening to reggaetón and holding on to their pants.

6) No matter how hard you try, they (i.e. all Hispanics) just probably going to say “pinche gringo, ya no estés jodiendo” as soon as you turn your back to them. In your face, though, they will be super nice and just say: ¡Sí, señor, ahorita, ahorita lo hago! un momentito.

7) Ecuadoreans and Bolivians are very different but you should always treat them as if they were Peruvians just to piss them off.*

*Last addition by Alberto Ferreras

‘Bill’ Pushes for Population Control in Mexico

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Billete

An ill-informed individual, presumably not Mexican (nor Indian) thought it would be an awesome idea to convey his/her thoughts on population control on a $1 bill… And, of course, of the millions of people who transact money on a daily basis in this wonderful city, I was the lucky one to get this as change in my neighborhood bodega.

The buck stops here.

Just What This Blogger Needed: A Taco Encyclopedia

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tacos2

For those of you who still think tacos look like this, there’s literary aid coming your way.

Mexican editor Déborah Holtz last night was in Manhattan, presenting La Tacopedia, the result of a five-year taco research documenting everything you’ll ever need to know about tacos: From their origin and their different species, to the brave men and women who make them. “We wanted to make a book that smelled of tacos,” said Holtz, whose book includes -what else?- the recipe for 36 delicious super salsas.

Unfortunately, La Tacopedia is currently available only in Spanish, but this blogger is one crafty freelancer and has decided to stalk Ms. Holtz until she gives me the green light to translate this jewel into English.

[Now, if she doesn’t give me the green light, at least she should provide me with some green salsa.]

Aeroméxico Might Want to Change its Name to ‘IronMéxico’

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IronMexico

It is no secret that international air travel is undergoing a severe financial crisis; with fuel costing a lot of money and all. But airline owners are a creative bunch and have found “innovative” ways to make additional cash, including charging us extra money to use the bathroom; to take an extra piece of luggage or to seat between rows 5 through 45.

But Mexican airline Aeroméxico has gone even further and is now using its aircrafts to pitch the latest installment of Iron Man, which by the way pulled almost $36 million since opening in Mexico less than two weeks ago.

So, I’m not sure what they are waiting for. Just change the company name to IronMéxico and get the whole thing over with.

Photo: @don_Marquito