Club América to Arizona: “No Fut for You!”

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Full disclosure: I am a Pumas fan. But as the sensible person that I am not, I would like to personally thank Club América and Tuzos de Pachuca for their decision to cancel a soccer match that was scheduled for July 7 in Arizona. According to an official release sent out by Mexico City-based Club América and re-printed by the Phoenix Business Journal:

“Club America would like to inform you that due to the latest developments regarding the new immigration bill… our team will not participate in any friendly match during the preseason 2010 within the state of Arizona.”

Way to go, Águilas. Now… Go, Pumas!

Going to Arizona? Don’t Forget Your Gringo Mask!

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Miami-based Ad shop Zubi Advertising has come up with an infallible way to find your way around Arizona without being pulled over: The Gringo Mask, an easy to download, cut and wear mask that will make you look like anything except a “brown person.”

According to Zubi, “There have been over 155,000 hits to GringoMask.com in the past three days, the mask has over 1,700 fans on Facebook and is the number one result on Google when searching for Gringo.”

Which is, like, great, because as I have been saying for many years now, there’s nothing like the power of the Internet to annoy the hell out of stupid people, particularly Arizona politicians.

I have already downloaded mine and I must say I’m loving it, except I live in Harlem so I’m not sure it will be wise to be walking around wearing the thing around here… but that’s another story…

Chandler, Arizona Celebrates Cinco de Mayo With Chihuahua Race. Whoof! Catch Them if you Can

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Enough with the bad news hailing from Nazi Arizona. Residents of Chandler, AZ. are ready for their Cinco de Mayo celebration, which this year will include a Chihuahua race scheduled to take place in the courtyard of the downtown Chandler Public Library. According to the contest’s organizers:

“To participate, dogs must be purebred Chihuahuas, have current vaccinations and must be on leash when not racing.”

No word yet on how the local police plans to check the pets’ legal status, but since Chandler belongs to Maricopa County, I’m sure they’ll find a way.

Whoof! Whoof! catch them if you can!

Arizona’s Immigration Bill Opens World of Business Opportunities for this Blogger

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After several days ruminating about what to do and how to go about Arizona’s sb1070s, this blogger decided to take the creative route and embrace the entrepreneurial spirit that only “America” can offer its immigrants.

So, without further ado… here is my latest creation and what I believe will become my main source of income starting today and until I get caught -and punished- by the migra for making fun of anti-immigration laws.

[I just hope it will be as popular as my previous one]

Attention, Immigrants: Coming Up on the War Against Us: The SUV-Mounted Gun

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If you thought anti-immigration efforts were going to stop at racial profiling and sending of UFO’s to the border, think again.

The new tool against the war on us, immigrants, is the Dillon Aero SUV Mounted Gun, a “high-powered rifle mounted on top of law enforcement trucks.”

Proudly introduced this year at the Border Security Expo in -where else? Arizona- this baby can blast up to 3,000 bullets per minute, which we figure should be enough to help Ms. Brewer rid her State of unwanted gardeners, cooks, janitors, bus boys, etc.

After all, as the company’s tag line goes:

“He who shoots the fastest. Wins.”

¡Ay, nanita!

Latin America’s ‘Axis of Evil’ Joins Twitter

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Not content with debuting this week on Twitter, Hugo Chávez -aka @ChavezCandanga is now inviting pals Evo Morales and Fidel Castro to follow suit.

I am already a morbid loyal follower of both, @ChavezCandanga @ReflexionFidel, though my sources tell me the latter is not the real Fidel.

Honestly, who cares? reading Fidel’s “thoughts” in 140 characters is much better -and time-efficient- than sifting through his 8-hour-speeches.

[Can’t wait to start following Evo and his thoughts about transgenic chicken and gay people]

Censored ‘Fortune’ Cover Featured Guantánamo Prisoners, Mexican Workers, Sinking Homes

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So this is the cover Fortune magazine first assigned to comic book artist Chris Ware, who chose an accurate -and clearly uncomfortable- way to depict modern capitalism.

According to Chicagoist, Ware was asked to design the May cover of the magazine, but his final product, which featured Guantánamo Bay prisoners, Mexican factory workers, and a few potshots at money-grubbing politicians was apparently not what Fortune had in mind.

So here it is for your viewing pleasure.

Ah… don’t you just love the Internet?

Forget Arizona. Mexico Gets Own NASA. Yay!

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Crap! I was so busy bitching at Jan Brewer and the whole Arizona brouhaha, that I failed to acknowledge the truly super-terrific news item of, like, the whole year: The Mexican Congress this week voted for the creation of AEXA, a national space agency, which according to its backers, “will help Mexico develop a space policy and stimulate investment in aerospace technology.”

Among AEXA’s biggest enthusiast is the one and only José Hernández, who has not only flown on the shuttle Discovery and lobbied for the creation of a Mexican space agency, but was brave enough to follow me on Twitter!

As far as I can tell, AEXA will not be sending astronauts into space nor building rockets any time soon, but who cares, really? We will be KICKING some-serious-ass and showing Arizona our people can really transcend borders (and not necessarily by jumping fences.)

¿Quién dijo que no se puede?

Image: Chewy Pulido

Arizona, The Land of Wonder… I Wonder How Long I Could Go Without Being Arrested

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According to the state’s official tourism visitor guide, Arizona is a Land of Wonder; a place where you can plan a “Grand” vacation filled with fun activities including hiking, biking, rafting and even mule-riding.

What I find most fascinating, though, is the fact that the guide highlights the state’s proximity to Mexico, and actually encourages tourists to visit Mexico:

“Mexico boasts cultural festivals, heritage areas, colonial towns, pre-Colombian history such as Mayan and Aztec ruins, and much more. […] Tourists can take advantage of the great beaches, archeological zones, music, art, food, and cultural experiences.”

Ah…. so now I finally get it!

What this whole thing means is: If you want to see Mexicans, or anything related to Mexico’s culture or heritage, you’ll be better off taking a car and cross the border; chances are you will not see any of that around here anymore.

[Oh, and please don’t worry; Mexican cops are not into racial-profiling. They are equal opportunity shooters.]

Arizona’s SB1070 is So Bad, Even Tancredo Worries

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Yes, my friends. Former Congressman and Presidential candidate Tom Tancredo this week blasted the Arizona immigration bill, saying it might have gone too far.

He even expressed concern that people would be “pulled over because [you] look like should be pulled over.”

Mind you, this comes from one of the country’s most forceful opponents of illegal immigration or, as Jon Stewart pointed out lately:

“The man Mexican parents tell their kids about to make them to eat their vegetables!”

So, yeah, it’s that bad!

Image: via Early Onset of Night

‘People en Español’ to Unveil 50 Most Beautiful Latinos [Hint: I’m Not One of Them]

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One more year has gone by and this blogger’s dreams have been shattered… again. Not content with not picking me among its 15 Most Influential Latinos, People en Español this year forgot to send me my application for this year’s Los 50 Más Bellos special edition.

The list is expected to be unveiled Monday night (April 26) during El Show de Cristina, giving Univision viewers “an exclusive peek at this year’s coveted issue, revealing the list of celebrities, as well as the cover, before the magazine hits the stands on April 30th.”

So there you have it. I’m now almost certain I didn’t make to the the list, but that’s OK, as long as they keep me on board as the un-official chronicler of the Bellos party.

Otherwise, I’m just going to have to keep hoping. As my abuela used to say: “La esperanza muere al último”.