Not content with having desecrated tacos, quesadillas and the like, Taco Bell has its eyes on destroying yet another one of this blogger’s favorite things: Alcoholic beverages.
Turns out the ubiquitous American “food” chain is launching Jalapeño Noir, a new red wine to pair with your Cheesy Chalupa, because… WHY THE HELL NOT?
Fortunately for this blogger, this thing is only being released in Canada and is tied to Taco Bell Canada’s introduction of the new Toasted Cheesy Chalupa [don’t ask.] Per an unnecessarily long press release: “The new chalupa variation features six-month aged sharp cheddar cheese toasted onto the iconic chalupa shell to create a crispy blanket of flavour and texture” which should pair well with “notes of wild strawberry, cherry and beetroot in this silky limited-edition red wine.”
At 10am PT on June 27 you will be able to book your stay at The Bell. The first check-ins for the four-day pop-up begin on August 8. There’s no minimum stay, so you can even just pop in for a single evening.
Activities will include the brand’s Freeze Lounge, live performances from artists and –wait for it– a salon offering taco-inspired nail art.
If you freaked out when you read the news about Taco Bell’s chocolate-flavored pubic lice, you’ll definitely want to hear about the chain’s next outrageous proposition:
Introducing The California Loaded Fries Burrito, a burrito stuffed with –yes, you guessed it!– french fries and other things, including ground “beef” as the protein of choice, nacho cheese and sour cream.
According to multiple sources, these abominations cost $1.99 apiece and –thankfully– can only be found as a test item at locations in Charleston, West Virginia.
I’m so sorry for you, West Virginians. We’ll keep you in my prayers.
Taco Bell’s Friendsgiving menu is so ridiculous, it’s actually funny. Among my faves: The turkeritos; the pumpkin spice caramel apple empanadas; the chocolate churros with chile ancho and –of course– the butternut squash chalupa bites.
Fortunately for ALL of us, Taco Bell’s annual Friendsgiving meal was only available last week and it was only for VIP’s at the company’s headquarters.
And just when I thought life couldn’t be more miserable, Taco Bell today announced the national rollout of the “Naked Egg Taco,” a “thing” that for a while was only available to the poor souls of Flint, Michigan.
“The Naked Egg Taco strips down the traditional breakfast taco, allowing us to deliver a new flavor experience in every single bite,” said Liz Matthews, Chief Food Innovation Officer at Taco Bell Corp, apparently with a straight face.
In case you were wondering, this “thing” is filled with fried potatoes, cheese, sausage or bacon and will roll out nationwide on August 31 at a bargain price of $1.99.
Some people want to watch the world burn — and/or see this blogger jump from the highest building in Manhatitlán.
Here’s the scoop: Bride-to-be Diane Nguyen posted the above photo on her Instagram feed showing a wedding gown made out of … Taco Bell burrito wrappers (hopefully unused.)
And no, apparently she isn’t that crazy; she’s just vying to win a Taco Bell contest where fans of the eatery submit photos or brief videos showing why they should win a free wedding at the Taco Bell Cantina in Las Vegas. (Oh, OK I take that back. She is crazy.)
“Our love for each other is as cheesy as a quesadilla,” she wrote. “We’re nachos getting married, it’s going to be a Las Vegas tacover. Lettuce celebrate our love at the Taco Bell Chapel in Vegas, cuz we are ready to guac and roll.”
As part of its ongoing effort to desecrate Mexican food, Taco Bell says it will roll out systemwide its ridiculously named Quesalupa — melted pepper Jack cheese stuffed into a flaky, crisp shell “that serves as a vehicle for seasoned beef, lettuce, cheddar, reduced-fat sour cream and tomatoes.”
Until recently, “the thing” was limited to Toledo, Ohio, which was totally OK with me, since I don’t have any immediate plans, nor reasons or desire to ever go to Toledo, Ohio.
However, and according to press reports, after a test in 36 Toledo restaurants, the Quesalupa was pronounced “one of the most successful tests in Taco Bell history,” so its going national.
So, thanks a lot, Toledo! You have just ruined my Taco Tuesday.
And just when you thought tacos couldn’t be any more violated… Taco Bell says it is already working on its next concoction: The “dipping” taco, which is expected to hit stores just in time for the anniversary of the Mexican Revolution: November 20.
Out of respect for my people (i.e. The Mexicans) –and other taco-lovers out there– I will refrain from describing this thing. Suffice to say: I’ll pass.
A company briefing describes the Biscuit Taco as a “warm, flaky, golden brown biscuit that happens to be shaped in the form of a taco,” and will very likely clog your arteries. (That last bit is mine, of course, but I think the company might want to reconsider its briefing or at least add some kind of health disclaimer.)
But the Biscuit Taco is not alone in its ridiculousness, and is only the latest addition to the I Don’t Wanna Taco ‘Bout it Wall of Shame, which you are free to click -of course- at your own risk.
Taco Bell this week opened its first store of U.S. Taco Co., a spin-off that “seeks to satisfy Americans’ growing hunger for higher-quality food” than, say, everything else available out here.
And of course because this is America, people,U.S. Taco Co’s menu includes ‘The 1 Percenter,’ a $10 taco that contains lobster, garlic butter, roasted poblano crema and cilantro… because, as everybody knows, that’s what really rich people eat.
Oh, and in case you were wondering: This beauty does NOT come wrapped in a tortilla, no, señor! it comes on top of flatbread. You know? for the rich.
See? I had to learn about this by a non-Mexican person, because last time I checked, my people had no idea that a Mexican Car Bomb is simply a vanilla shake with Guinness, tequila caramel sauce and chocolate flakes.
The concoction is sure to please those already clueless enough to believe Cinco de Mayo is Mexico’s celebration of Independence and just one more excuse to stuff themselves with made-believe Mexican fare.
So, go ahead. Visit U.S. Taco Co., get bombed and puleeeze stay away from real Mexicans.
Click below for a quick trip to some of the silliest Cinco de Mayo gimmicks.
Yes, my friends. For reasons I yet have to comprehend -and according to the always reliable source of information for serious, professional journalists (i.e. Twitter)- Taco Bell has partnered with @TheHundreds to create “a pair of Mexican food-inspired illustrated socks.”
Don’t get me wrong, Taco Bell lovers. While I understand your fervor about some of the chain’s gastronomical creations, including the Dori-Taco and the Quesarito, I just wanted to take a second to let you in on a little secret of mine: Pssssst, that ain’t no Mexican food, you know?
Regardless, I’m sure you won’t be breaking the bank here as I can almost assure you these fine stockings have been hand-crafted in China by adorable 5-year-old Chinese kids… Awwww.
Anyhow, for a more accurate picture of what Mexican food looks like, you can click here, here or even here.
According to Los Angeles Times –and for reasons I yet have to comprehend– the Quesarito is being tested only in Oklahoma City, presumably because Oklahomans were all cool about it and couldn’t tell the difference between one bad wrap and the other.
Also according to the L.A. Times, the Quesarito might not see the light of day outside Oklahoma. Thank God.
Taco Bell, the food chain that brought you the Dori-Taco and other inedible stuff, charmed millions -me included- with a hilarious TV spot that broke during last night’s Super Bowl. Created by Deutsch, Viva Young features a group of ‘viejitos’ having a wild night: Getting tattooed, making out in bars, breaking into other people’s swimming pools and driving around recklessly… all this to the tune of a heavy-accented Spanish-language version of Fun’s We Are Young.
Viva Young spot was, by far, this blogger’s favorite from last night’s commercial parade. If only Taco Bell’s food could be as good as their TV spots…