OMG You Guys! Nestlé Opens a Water Market in the Bronx [And Cristina Will be There to Greet You]

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35069-Nestle_PureLifeQuestion: How does Nestlé Waters North America celebrate “its commitment to the Hispanic community?”

Answer: Opening a Nestlé Pure Life Mercado del Agua in the Bronx. [Duh!]

And no, this is not a joke, nor an hallucination of this blogger. El Mercado del Agua is opening its doors as we speak (Saturday Nov. 14) and Univision’s one and only Cristina Saralegui is there right now, ready to autograph your own bottle.

Are you still here???? What are you waiting for?!! Get your fat Latino ass off the sillón and go get your dose of celebrity-endorsed water!

‘El Diario’ Says ‘Adiós’ to Our Favorite Hate Monger

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Under an op-ed piece titled Good-bye to an anti-hispanic, New York City’s El Diario La Prensa today applauded CNN for the decision to oust Lou Dobbs, who -among other things- had claimed immigrants are responsible for “an increase in leprosy in the U.S.”

In its Thursday editorial, El Diario editors stated:

“We applaud the determined organizing by Latino, immigrant and media groups and we applaud CNN for coming to the right decision… Now, we’re off to get Beck and O’Reilly.”

[Well, actually that last bit was a contribution by this blogger.]

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Is Sammy Sosa Trying to Pull a Michael Jackson?

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SammyColor

Something very strange seems to be happening to Sammy Sosa, who was spotted last week in Vegas, while attending the Latin Grammys.

Rebecca Polihronis, a former Clubs employee, told the Chicago Tribune that Sosa’s lighter skin is nothing but the result of a skin rejuvenation process. “He is in the middle of doing a cleansing process to his skin,” she said.

That may very well be the case, but if you asked me, I think the retired ball player is only trying to get an invitation to El Show de Cristina or at the very least land a small role in a Mexican telenovela.

So let’s give him a break, damn it!

Photo: AP/Tribune/Getty

Julio César Chávez to Launch Restaurant [I Only Hope I Will be Able to Afford it]

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Julio César Chávez, the famous Mexican boxer who brought us the Energía de Campeones energy drink, is making his debut as a restauranteur with Campeones, a 30,000 square-foot eatery in Mesa, Arizona.

The new restaurant -scheduled to open Nov. 10th- promises customers authentic Mexican food, a full sports bar and even a Boxing Museum, where you can host your upcoming quinceañera.

No word yet on the price of food, though I can only hope it will be a little less steep than Eva Longoria’s Beso, where you can snatch a Spanish tortilla for “only” $34.

Tired of your Lousy Job? Just Say you Were Stabbed by Some Crazy Hispanic People

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621blog_stab2Attention, workers! Can’t stand your lousy job anymore? Worry no more. Now, you can get away from it all in 3 simple steps:

1) Get knife

2) Stab yourself

3) Blame a bunch of Latinos (or skinheads, whatever)

That is the lesson given to us by Aaron Seibers, 29, of Denver, who in order to avoid the nightshift at a 24-hour Blockbuster, decided to stab himself in the leg.

According to press reports:

Aaron Seibers, 29, told colleagues at the Blockbuster outlet in the Denver town of Edgewater that  three skinheads or Hispanic males dressed in black had tried to rob him and knifed him in the lower left leg.

“Three skinheads or Hispanic males?” … I think the guy got greedy in his accusation. I mean, you cannot have it all!

Latin-Celebrity Look-a-Like Sperm Now Available en Español!

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javier_bardem.0.0.0x0.300x400.jpegTired of looking for the perfect guy?

Worry no more. If you are a single, desperate Spanish-dominant Latina in search of a good-lucking bundle of joy, now you can get your frozen sperm from a bank that specializes in celebrities look-a-likes. And that is not all: you can also run your entire search online en español!

Cryobank, the California-based sperm bank that specializes in “Look-a-like sperm” this week is launching Criobanco, which according to one top executive:

“Offers a wide array of Latin donors who look exactly like Latin celebrities, including Oscar De La Hoya, Javier Bardem, y Gael Garcia Bernal.”

Enough said. I’m off to the bank.

A Hot Potato and Lots of Bulls Star in Mike Bloomberg’s Latest Hispanic Campaign Push

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You gotta appreciate the efforts done by Michael Bloomberg, who wants to be re-elected, like, forever as mayor of New York City.

And in his relentless push to attract Spanish-language voters (and presumably Spanish people too) he is actually telling us that Nueva York es de “toros” y lo hacemos entre “toros”. (“New York belongs to bulls; and it’s being built by bulls.”)

And if that’s not Spanish enough… I don’t know what is!

Mario Lopez Has Written a Book. And It’s Got Something to Do with Tacos

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tn-500_ml03If you thought Geraldo and Niurka were the only infamous Latin “luminaries” entering the world of Literature, think again. Our favorite Mexican-American not-out-of-the-closet-yet TV host Mario Lopez has found the time in his busy agenda to write a book. No shit.

Mud Tacos was written in both, English and Spanish, and it’s got something to do with Lopez and his little sister growing up in Chula Vista, CA making mud tacos. According to a press release:

“Mud Tacos!,” a picture book written by Lopez with his sister, Marissa Lopez-Wong, is a loving tale about their family and the nurturing bond between a brother and sister. The story follows Mario and Marissa and their cousins Chico and Rosie playing in their nana’s backyard and using their imagination to have fun”

In a recent interview with Momlogic, Lopez said he has a “few stories in the pipeline,” and he’s probably going to come up with another book real soon. [I wonder if it would be a sequel, for which this blogger would like to suggest a title: Dirt Enchiladas.]

CNN Poll: Non-Latinos Acknowledge Having Some Form of Contact With Latinos

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On the same week that CNN is giving us the much-a-do-about-nothing Latino in America, CNN/Opinion Research Corp. is releasing some shocking revelations about non-Latinos and the Latinos around them. According to the poll: “Two-thirds of those surveyed say they have at least some contact with Latinos where they live, work or shop. [Poll doesn’t clarify if we’re talking about their gardeners, busboys and maids or simply the people they hang out with to wear sombreros and drink lots of tequila.]

Sixty-six percent of people questioned in a CNN/Opinion Research Corp. survey released Wednesday say they have some or a lot of contact with Latinos. That’s up 15 points from 1990.

That said, nine in 10 surveyed also believe that Census workers should ask people whether they are in the country legally when they go door to door next April. Because you know, the “Latin thing” is cool, as long as it has to do with the officially acceptable group of Latinos, not the “other” kind if you know what I mean.

KFC Wants You to Know That Eating Junk Food is Better, Cheaper than Cooking at Home

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Watch as a presumably-single, working Hispanic mom challenges her kids to cook a 7-piece meal with less than $10 and then -wisely- conclude they are all better off eating junk, Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Because, really, how else are you going to feed your increasingly fat Latino kids if not with a super cheap dose of fried food, soda and gravy-filled mash potatoes? [What ever happened to our tomatillo & cilantro-rich diet?]

I bet Dr. Manny is going to get a heart attack over this one.

Target Pulls ‘Illegal Immigrant’ Halloween Costume. You Can Still Dress as a ‘Mexican Muchacha’

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panderobigAfter a very brief Brouhaha, Target.com and other retailers agreed to pull the Illegal Alien costumes they were selling online as part of their Halloween offer.

But don’t despair.

If you are still looking for a Hispanic-themed costume to impress your amigos this upcoming Día de Brujas, you can still get yourself a fake/imaginary/ typical Mexican girl costume from our friends at Halloween Costumes 4 you.

Your Latino friends -particularly those of Mexican origin- will be truly impressed. I guarantee it.

[Attention, shoppers: the tambourine is not included]