You can be short, a little fat and completely void of talent, but if your Spanish is poor you can kiss your beauty crown good-bye.

That was in a nutshell the bitter experience of a poor Orlando girl who travelled to Miami (by bus because she could not afford a plane) to take part in Univision’s latest reality show: Nuestra Belleza Latina, which kicked off last night with deep-pocketed sponsors including Maybelline, Garnier, Ford, Cingular and JC Penney. “Go Back and practice [your Spanish], then come back next year,” she was simply told by Carlos Calderon, one of the show’s Miami judges. Thankfully, and because Univision has a heart, it offered to pay for the young lady -and her grandma- to go back to Orlando by plane.

Come to think of it: Univision should try to sign up an additional sponsor in the language-course category: something like “Español para Latinos que sólo hablan inglés”.

In New York City, the girls did not have it easy either. Here, they were submitted to some grueling comments and remarks from the show’s implaccable and “prestigious” judges. (OK, one of them is Luis Jimenez, so you can imagine how it goes when someone like Jimenez is hired to judge beauty, manners and personality).

Nuestra Belleza is searching for the next U.S. Latina beauty. Contestants compete for the title, a contract as one of Univision’s on-air personalities, and a chance to win more than $200,000 in cash and prizes.

After a series of elimination processes in New York, Los Angeles, Miami, Houston, Puerto Rico and Chicago, finalists will move to a Miami mansion where they will be faced to “weekly challenges” testing their talent and personality. Juicy!

For a second, I thought there was some kind of mistake. Tonight, while watching Univision’s newest telenovela, Destilando Amor, I found myself reading subtitles in Spanish while the actors (all Mexicans, of course) were engaged in long conversations in English.

I’m still not familiar with the plot (Destilando only debuted tonight), but there was a lot going on in London, so the actors had to pick up the phone and do all sorts of things in English. Actually, at some point, I cracked up: During what promised to be an R-rated love scene, Eduardo Yañez jumped out of the bed apologizing to his partner -in English!- for not been able to “perform.” The lady then stormed out slapping him with a cruel “You are a fraud!”

Maybe Univision, which for years and under the mandate of Jerry Perenchio insisted on a Spanish-only policy, is finally coming to terms with a simple reality: that at least some U.S. Hispanics can actually speak and understand other languages.

But let’s not get too carried away. Univision’s novelas are still bad and still Televisa-made. But at least while reading the subtitles you will be spared from some very poor acting.

Kudos to fellow journalist Luis Clemens, whose most recent posting is a brilliant showcase of what happens when writers and editors who do not speak Spanish (and do not understand the Hispanic market) are assigned to write or edit stories on the subject. 

Clemens, who knows better than anybody the importance of knowing where to put your eñes and your accents makes a detailed list of amusing examples found recently in a Television Week article. Read Luis’ complete posting here.

The editors of 02138, the glossy magazine “of and for Harvard graduates” published by media mogul David Bradley, have unveiled the inaugural Harvard Hubris Hall of Fame in its spring issue. 

The list, described as a collection of “the most egregious cases of Harvard Hubris in recent memory,” showcases the university’s most infamous graduates. It includes -of course- former Mexican president Carlos Salinas de Gortari, who is charged by the magazine’s editors with corruption, mild tyranny and bungling a major developing economy

Also included on the list of infamy: Paul Bremer, former head of Iraq’s Coalition of Provisional Authority; Enron’s Jeff Skilling; Cardinal Bernard Francis Law and Indian plagiarist Kaavya Viswanathan.

Want more Latinos? worry no more: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is already on the shortlist for next year. Yupi!

I want to thank my cousin Manolo, who wrote from Galicia to share this video with me. Hands down, it is the funniest thing I have seen in a very long time, and what makes it even better is the fact that it is candidly real.

For those of you who don’t Speak Spanish, the video you are about to watch was recorded during a recent press conference held by the councilman of La La Coruña, speaking about how “well-endowed” the city’s firefighters are.

Even if you don’t understand the double-entendre, the conference itself will have you on the floor laughing. Truste me, this is good stuff. Watch is here.

I am officially depressed. It turns out marketing research firms do not want anything to do with me. Imagine how happy I was this morning when my friend Mercedes forwarded me the following posting from Craigslist:

Needed Mexican women for focus group, pay $50

We need MEXICAN WOMEN for a market study ( to give their opinion on a TV commercial)

They must be between the ages of 31 and 50 years old.

Location: Madison Ave

**MUST SPEAK SPANISH!!!
Pay is: $50

————————————————————————————- 

Mind you: it’s not only the 50 bucks that caught my attention: I was perfect for the “gig”. I am a Mexican who speaks Spanish (duh!) still between the ages of 31 and 50 and, most importantly, I live only one block away from Madison Avenue! … So I immediately contacted them showing my utmost interest in taking part in such an important research.

Oh! but then came the pre-screening process, a 10-minute phone interview, in Spanish, which I failed miserably.

It went sort of like this:

–Which brand of facial cream do you use at night?
–None, really. I’m sorry.
–OK. Which is your cellphone provider?
–Verizon Wireless
–Oh. OK. What about education? did you finish elementary school?
–I have a BA in Journalism so I guess you can say I did…
–Oh… are you married?
–I’m divorced.
–I’m sorry chica, you just don’t qualify for our test but we’ll keep you posted on our upcoming focus groups.

I wonder if a marketer out there is looking to test products or services among educated Mexican women who happen to have a Verizon Wireless and a former husband. If so, please count me in. I can use the $50.

In an effort to alert young Latinas about the growing incidence of statutory rape, the Virginia Department of Health has opted to produce a fotonovela; Its title, though, almost gives the story away: Gracias, Papi.

The story starts out like most fotonovelas: Teenage Yaneth is at a picnic when she spots handsome David. She nabs his number and afterward, playfully sends him a text message. A few pages later, Yaneth is in a car alone with David, who turns out to be a man in his late 20s. He is demanding sex and 14-year-old Yaneth is scared.

The Virginia Department of Health says Gracias Papi will be distributed across Virginia starting in April.

It’s good to see marketers are finally moving away from abuelitas, piñatas and moustaches. Now, it seems, the buzz word is: wrestling, or rather Lucha Libre.

While the Cartoon Network is getting ready to launch an animation series featuring Mexican legend El Santo (or the Man in the Silver Mask), Coca-Cola expects to win over the hearts (and wallets) of Latino men by resurrecting Blue Demon, another classic who became famous for fighting vampires, snakes and aliens. In its most recent marketing pitch, Coca-Cola has launched Full Throttle, Blue Demon, a blue agave flavored drink that provides “energy for the everyday fight.” (yeah, whatever!)

Not to be outdone, AT&T Inc. recently announced that it signed an exclusive agreement with World Wrestling Entertainment Inc., and the pair will be launching a number of wireless related services that will bring popular luchadores, including El Hijo del Santo, to users of AT&T mobile services. What is it with the luchadores that have captured the imagination of the ever-creative Hispanic marketers?

I wonder if somebody is already rushing to secure the Mil Máscaras franchise. Anybody?

In his self-published book, Secretos de Impacto, former Univision reporter Pablo Padula speaks of rivalries among celebrities, “biased” news coverage and even some juicy sex gossip involving top executives during the 14-plus years he worked at the Spanish-language network.

Granted. I am not going to take a blank check from someone who worked at Primer Impacto to begin with. But some of Padula’s reflexions are just too amusing to ignore.

Take the cleavage factor.

Does Univision really want us to believe that Jackie Guerrido got a job thanks to her weather expertise? Or that Barbara Bermudo and Myrka Dellanos would be the network’s favorite damiselas if they were over 50, overweight or flat-chested? Does Roxana Franco spring to mind as your ultimate sports expert? I’m not so sure. As they say in my family: “Piensa mal y acertaras.” (Think wickedly and you will be right). Click here to get a taste of what gringos have to say about “Ms. Univision”. (Ladies beware: not politically-correct stuff here).

But I disgress. Padula says he’s surprised Univision has not yet come forward with a lawsuit. And he actually sounds quite disappointed about it. However, from his peaceful refuge in Barranquilla, the former Univision reporter says he’s working on a second book on the Univision saga. Stay tuned.

Full disclosure: Though I’ve never been employed by Univision, I did write a small piece a while ago on “En el hoyo,” Juan Carlos Rulfo’s wonderful documentary on the workers of the Second Deck of el Periferico. You can read that story here

Just as marketers and the media keep celebrating the so-called Latino Boom, some politicians cannot help but remind us that Hispanics are just one naughty bunch. Take Marc LeVine, a borough councilman in New Jersey, who recently claimed that the trouble with Hispanics is that they are, well, promiscuous.

In a Nov. 14, 2006, posting online, LeVine wrote, “There is definitely a very promiscuous flavor in — at least — parts of Hispanic culture. All of this is highly problematic in a society in which these people often expect to subsidize their mistakes in growing large families that they cannot afford to support on their own.”

Mr LeVine was pressed to apologized earlier this month, saying “Freedom of speech is not freedom from responsibility.”

Thank you councilman.

My friend, a very modest advertising creative (yes, there are still some of those left) who prefers to remain in anonimity, has just forwarded me a story which I considered too good to ignore: It turns out José Feliciano has just launched Reflections, a personal line of … sunglasses.

Reflections was designed by Feliciano himself and it is based on several of his famous songs. “I might be blind, but I consider myself a visionary,” the 61-year-old cantante said during a press conference where he announced the launch of Reflections.

Customers will be able to chose from several models, branded with the following names: “Señor Bolero”, “Nuestro Amor”, “Paso la Vida Pensando”, “Le, lo lai”, “Qué Será”, “I’ve Got a Feeling”, “California Dreamin”, among others.
And for those of you wondering: prices range from $180 to $300, and will come with a certificate of authenticity written in Braille, of course. (Though we still don’t know if this will be in English, Spanish, Spanglish or both).

I guess you can say there is nothing new on the Internet, but today I came across a very interesting site, whose name I just adore: Psiquealo. Presumably from the prefix “psique,” the site offers a platform (or shall I say virtual couch) for those affected souls who want to let out all their frustrations, but probably cannot afford a real shrink.

According to the site’s founders, Psiquealo has over 5,000 registered users coming from all over Latin America, but most recently saw an increase in U.S. Hispanic visitors. Among my favorite features on the site, are the most frequently used words: sadness, love, jealousy, confusion, unfaithfulness and, of course, sex.

According to a story on today’s New York Times, the Federal Communications Commission fined Univision with a record fine of $24 million for falling short on regulators’ expectations for educational children’s programming. Univision had long maintained that telenovelas were educational programs, but the regulators didn’t quite buy it and now the network must pay.

Not so fast. After a long day of debating the subject with some of my Mexican friends, we came to the conclusion that telenovelas are in fact very educational, and that there is plenty we all learned from them while growing up in Mexico.

1. We learned that the “ricos” also cry. In other words, that rich, famous and blonde people also suffer, and sometimes even more than the rest of the mortals.

2. We learned that, no matter how good or bad she was in the kitchen, the maid will always end up marrying the señorito de la casa (as long as she looks like Thalía, of course)

3. Blacks are always poor but nice people who are very good at taking care of strangers’ babies (ask Verónica Castro)

4. It is possible to kill your enemies and hide the poison inside your make-believe eye patch.

5. Evil-doers always end up burnt, dead, in prison or living in Miami.

6. We learned that to become really, really, really ugly, you just have to put on glasses and use a very large retainer for your teeth.

7. We learned that if you live in certain Mexico City neighborhoods (or rather, zip codes), you qualify to star in a hot telenovela. Of course, if you are very very tan, are not older than 16, have blonde hair and blue eyes and have a daddy with a house in Acapulco, as the kids from Codigo Postal can show you here

Do you think Hispanics are discriminated against? Not in Phoenix.
A publicly traded corporation this week agreed to pay almost half a million dollars to end a discrimination suit that started two years ago when federal investigators found Hispanics were routinely hired over job candidates from other ethnic groups.

According to a story published today in Phoenix’ East Valley Tribune, the rejected candidates include 11 Asians, 66 blacks, 17 American Indians, and 370 whites, who were deemed qualified job applicants but were not hired simply because they were not Hispanic.

OK, it’s not that these guys were missing out on a very fancy job. The company in question is the Corrections Corporation of America, the firm running a state prison in Florence, Phoenix, and one of the country’s largest private prison firms. (By the way, the guy featured on the company’s Web site does not look very Latino to me, so there’s something fishy here)

Besides the economic penalty, the suit established the Florence Correctional Center also must undergo a future audit by federal investigators to determine if it has met the federal hiring standards. If the prison has not changed its hiring practices by then, the company could face stiff penalties including fines or termination of its government contracts.

No possibility of jail time was mentioned. Too bad, it would have been a convenient penalty to comply with.