Latinas, feel free to misbehave. As it turns out, our bad habits, misdeeds and pecadillos are all rooted in our traditional, patriarchal, Catholic rearing which makes us naturally submissive and subordinated to men, and therefore prone to fall into their arms no matter what.

At least that was the explanation given by jailhouse psychologist Magdalena Sanchez, who allegedly had a torrid love affair with an inmate at the Brooklyn federal detention center and then lied about it to investigators.

Sanchez pleaded not-guilty, and in fact she has reportedly used her 2003 dissertation as part of her defense. In it, the New School graduate argues that women are traditionally “submissive” to men, and that “historically, the roles of Latinas have been of self-sacrificing wives and mothers and of subordination to men.”

The trick might have worked out nicely: it has been reported that Sanchez’ husband, a respected Wall Street exec, not only paid the $100,000 bail but has stood by his woman. Way to go!

I love the Web and I love having a blog, because this gives me a legitimate (if somehow morbid) reason to go hunting for Latino-related stories on the Internet.

And thanks to this perpetual search, I learned today that there is a town in Illinois called Carpentersville, where Hispanics are organizing against a group of politicians who promise a crack down on illegal immigration and to make English the official language of the town.

Carpentersville has a population of 37,000, of which 40% are Hispanic, according to a story on today’s Chicago Tribune.

City officials claim Latinos (mostly of Mexican origin) are giving the town a bad name. Moreover, a series of fliers distributed to thousands of homes in a recent day, stated: “Are you tired of sending lunch money with your children while illegal aliens get a free breakfast or lunch?”
Wow! the place doesn’t even have a downtown, but there’s free food for Latinos! I guess that is something worth telling my paisanos, always eager to get a free meal in this country.

How does one get to Carpentersville?

Politically correctness has finally caught up with my paisanos. So to avoid an escalating scandal, Miss Mexico will have to tone down her outfit.

But wait, it’s not that the dress set to be worn by Miss Mexico in the upcoming beauty pageant is too revealing. As it turns out, it’s too violent!: Among the images were Roman Catholic rebels hanging from posts, and a man facing a firing squad, all reminiscent of the 1929 Guerra de los Cristeros (Cristero War). The outfit was completed by rosaries and scapularies hanging from a bullet-studded belt, topped off with a crucifix necklace and a wide-brimmed sombrero.

Designed by Maria del Rayo Macias, the dress was chosen ahead of nearly 30 other gowns, in order, as the organizers put it, to represent Mexico’s culture and history. But now it will have to be redone. The new dress will now feature –what else?– images of the Virgin of Guadalupe and of women who participated in the Cristero War.
If you ask me, I’m not sure I’m outraged about the violent images… I would be ashamed to wear that thing only because it’s too tacky! or is it just me?

How about getting rid of the cristeros altogether and change the whole thing to a group of Mexicans crossing the border while being shot by the Border Patrol?

(Nah! I guess that will be deemed too progressive).

You gotta love U.S. foreign policy: while government officials on “business missions” are allowed to travel to Cuba without being reprimended for violating the embargo, a group of high-school students in Manhattan face a fine of $65,000 (each) for taking a spring-break field trip to the “evil” island.

According to a story on today’s New York Post , History professor Nathan Turner, of Manhattan’s Beacon School, has a soft spot for Cuba, which helps explain why he decided to take a dozen students to one more of his “extravagant overseas trips.” (Among the teacher’s other “extravagant” destinations: Mexico, France and Venezuela. Oh dear!)

The 35-year-old teacher -whose future in education looks as bright as that of Don Imus in the media- is now under investigation and has refused to speak to the press (Smart move: if you are a History teacher with a penchant for communist countries, you should not be speaking to The Post).

Turner has a lot of explaining to do: In addition to his destination faux pas, students say his classroom walls are adorned with posters of Fidel Castro and Che Guevara. Ay Dios! we can only hope he doesn’t end up in Guantanamo any time soon.

 

I have to thank Univision and Telemundo for saving my day today.

While a fierce northeastern storm drenches the New York region since last night, both Spanish-language networks decided to honor the 50th anniversary of Pedro Infante’s death by broadcasting some of the idol’s classic movies.

Starting with Escuela de Vagabundos and Cartas Marcadas on Univision, and followed by El Gavilán Pollero on Telemundo, it has been a real pleasure to stay at home watching TV.

See? it’s not that I have anything against Spanish-language television; I guess my usual rants have to do with the lack of programming I can truly identify with. As a foreign-born, non-assimilated, non-acculturated Mexican who still cannot see the value of reality television, Pedro Infante rules!

Hopeful beauty queens who have a hard time speaking Spanish should get some consolation from Bronx diva Jennifer Lopez, who this week attempted to correct the Spanish of a gringo … but ended up screwing up herself.

During JLo’s special appeareance on American Idol this week, and after an amazing performance of her single ¿Qué hiciste?, she stood next to host Ryan Seacrest, who trying to impress her, broke to commercials saying “There’s more to come despúes del comercial” (after the commercial break).

–Was that right?, Seacrest asked JLo.

–“Almost!” she answered with a big smile… “it’s despúes de la comercial.”

Ay, ay, ay!

As they say in my country -and in Spanish, of course!- más vale tarde, que nunca; that is: “better late than never”.

Days after the U.S. Latino community blasted Newt Gingrich for saying Spanish was the language of “living in a ghetto”, the former House Speaker posted two videos in YouTube apologizing to the Latino community. Of course my favorite is the one in Spanish, which you can watch here and which reminded me of Molotov’s Frijolero.

Gingrich said in a speech recently that English should be the official language of the government and immersion should replace bilingual education. He told the National Federation of Republican Women that this was necessary “so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto.”

(By the way, and speaking of the “language of prosperity” I wonder if Mr. Gingrich knows the language spoken by Carlos Slim, the world’s third richest man).

Univision last week announced the 12-finalists who will compete in Nuestra Belleza Latina, the weekly reality show in which Latinas from all over the country compete for the title, a contract as one of Univision’s on-air personalities and a chance to win more than $200,000. And thank God the 12 finalists are kind of cute, because during last week’s on-camera test, not one was able to say the word “orangután” properly … And they were reading it from a teleprompter.

Having made it to the finals, the 12 girls are now ready to face another round of weekly challenges which, according to Univision, will “test their talent and character.” But worry no more. This time around they will work to perfect their runway walks, dancing, singing and acting skills, as well as undergo a rigorous fitness regime. No more journalistic challenges please!

It is official. Mexico is a surreal country.

This month, my fellow chilangos were able to enjoy the wonders of the beach (sun, sand and water included) without having to leave home.

Inspired by a growing trend in the European capitals, the mayor of Mexico City this month inaugurated four urban beaches, complete with sand imported from Veracruz, inflatable pools and carts selling “fresh” seafood. Landlocked Mexico City residents rapidly crowed the beaches, some installed by the side of noisy roads, enjoying what most will never be able to afford in the real world.

The media, of course, has looked at the whole thing with humor. A recent front-page story on El Universal Gráfico illustrated a story about the urban beaches with a photo composition showing divers jumping off the Monumento a la Revolución and into the ocean.

If you thought Hispanic marketers were running out of ideas, think again: This morning, while picking up my daily coffee at the local Starbucks, I came across the “Aztec Ancho Chile Muffin.” I swear, I’m not kidding here.

The suspiciously-normal looking treat was one of several “Hispanic-themed” products launched today as part of a special Latin American Spring celebration by the Seattle-based coffee chain. Also at hand were sweet-plantain pound cakes, dulce de leche-flavored lattes and pineapple empanadas. And my very own favorite: Café con Banana Dulce de Bajo Contenido Graso. (If you can say this without hesitation, and with the right accent, you qualify to receive a free pound of Brazil’s Ipanema Bourbon coffee, whatever that is).

OK, dulce de leche and empanadas I understand, but Ancho Chile (not Chile Ancho) muffins? It makes me wish for some kind of punishment … Aztec-style.

As The Walt Disney Co. kicks off production of The Frog Princess, the first animated film featuring a black princess, Mexican actor Diego Luna (Y tu mamá también, Nicotina) is ready for his next big role playing… Michael Jackson… yep, that Michael Jackson.

The movie is Mister Lonely by California-born Harmony Korine, and though not many details have been disclosed yet, it looks like an interesting project. Also starring is German acting monster Werner Herzog and Brooklyn celebrity magician David Blaine.

I wonder how Luna will be transformed from a black youth into a whiter shade of pale. Cinematic magic? or Blaine’s latest trick?

It is no secret that Mexicans are passionate about wrestling, boxing and any other sport that involves punching one another in one way or another. But don’t you dare offend our patriotic symbols because you will be up to trouble.

Take a current brawl in Portland, where the name of an upcoming martial-arts event has raised the ire of Oregon’s Mexican community. “Cinco de Mayhem” turned out to be too much to bear for a group of Hispanic leaders in Salem, who are calling for a name change, an apology and –while they’re at it– a crash course in diversity.

Mind you, I am not a wrestling fan and I don’t even know who the organizers of Cinco de Mayhem are, but to call for them to apologize because they’re offending one of Mexico’s “most sacred holiday” is pushing the “Latino pride” envelope a bit too far.

I wonder how many of the non-Mexican Hispanic community leaders in Oregon can tell you know what May 5 commemorates. Regardless, I would be curious to see what happens on May 5 when “Cinco de Mayhem” is set to be held: would the Mexicans set their TV sets to watch the History Channel?

What is it with Ritmo Latino and Latin pop divas?

One year after the Latin music retailer accused Shakira of dissing Hispanic fans in favor of the Anglo world, it is snapping J-Lo with the same accusation. This week, while the Bronx diva visited the neighborhood to promote her new Spanish-language album, Cómo Ama una Mujer Ritmo Latino announced it was banning it from its 50 stores nationwide. The reason? “We have supported her from the beginning. Now we’re told by her record company she will only visit Anglo retail outlets,” said Ritmo Latino CEO David Massry.

I am sure Mr. Massry has reasons to believe there is an Anglo conspiracy to take Shakira and JLo from their authentic “Hispanic” fans (whatever that means). But instead of boycotting Latino singers, and getting all pissed off at everybody, he should be fighting back by taking some gringo talent and promote it in his stores nationwide: We all know Britney and Michael Jackson can use a little marketing push … even if it’s in a chain of Latin music stores. You never know

Upon Univision’s $13-billion-sale (which was completed today), disgruntled partner/content provider Grupo Televisa on Thursday announced it sold its minority interest in the U.S. Spanish-language network for about $1.1 billion.

And though I’m sure Televisa’s Chairman Emilio Azcárraga Jean (above) has already some pretty good ideas about what to do with all that cash, I could not help but coming up with a few ideas of my own.

Hey, $1 billion is a lot of dough so I guess he can:

–Produce some good, responsible, politically-correct children programming… and sell it to Telemundo.

–Produce more of the same children programming, sell it to Univision and wait for the FCC to snap a fine.

–Create and broadcast a reality show called La Venta Más Fea. Dress up your most senior executives in baggy clothes, big glasses, retainers and Guadalajara ponchos, and have them ridicule and humiliate themselves in front of a group of bankers. (NOTE: the ugly executives win at the end, taking over the company).

–Lend Haim Saban some cash (he’s going to need it!)

–Fund a charity to Support Decent Advertising and have Lexicon and Sleepy’s be its first recipients.

–Hire a team of computer nerds and send them over to the U.S. to teach Latinos how to manipulate their PC’s proxys so they can watch Televisa’s programming online (for free)

I am sure the avid readers of this blog will come up some ideas of their own so that this list will keep growing.

$1 billion is a lot of money and there’s gotta be millions of possibilities.

I am officially depressed. It turns out marketing research firms do not want anything to do with me. Imagine how happy I was this morning when my friend Mercedes forwarded me the following posting from Craigslist:

Needed Mexican women for focus group, pay $50

We need MEXICAN WOMEN for a market study ( to give their opinion on a TV commercial)

They must be between the ages of 31 and 50 years old.

Location: Madison Ave

**MUST SPEAK SPANISH!!!
Pay is: $50

————————————————————————————-

Mind you: it’s not only the 50 bucks that caught my attention: I was perfect for the “gig”. I am a Mexican who speaks Spanish (duh!) still between the ages of 31 and 50 and, most importantly, I live only one block away from Madison Avenue! … So I immediately contacted them showing my utmost interest in taking part in such an important research.

Oh! but then came the pre-screening process, a 10-minute phone interview, in Spanish, which I failed miserably.

It went sort of like this:

–Which brand of facial cream do you use at night?
–None, really. I’m sorry.
–OK. Which is your cellphone provider?
–Verizon Wireless
–Oh. OK. What about education? did you finish elementary school?
–I have a BA in Journalism so I guess you can say I did…
–Oh… are you married?
–I’m divorced.
–I’m sorry chica, you just don’t qualify for our test but we’ll keep you posted on our upcoming focus groups.

I wonder if a marketer out there is looking to test products or services among educated Mexican women who happen to have a Verizon Wireless and a former husband. If so, please count me in. I can use the $50.