Marketing has mysterious ways of turning traditions into sales pitches. But Kraft’s latest Latino-targeted effort is a bit of a stretch.

The food and beverage giant has tapped former Timbiriche and telenovela actress Bibi Gaitán for its latest marketing gimmick ‘De mamá a mamá’ (From mother to mother), a program designed for busy Hispanic mothers who “go through a constant negotiation between their new lifestyle in the U.S. and their family traditions.” And here’s where the thing gets tricky: While stressing the importance of recipes taught “by abuelita,” Kraft focuses its pitch on quicky meals: Oscar Mayer hot-dogs and Ritz crackers… mmm!

But wait! For the more complex cook, there is Macaroni & Cheese dinners, accompanied by delicious Jell-O snacks, something Kraft calls “smarter food choices,” without blinking.

And just in case you are wondering what’s Hispanic about all this, Bibi shares her secret for a perfect family gathering: setting up an indoors pic-nic while enjoying Oreo cookies with, what else?, café con leche. Ay, ay, ay!

Thank God we have market research, because without it we would miss out on very important information, such as the fact that U.S. Hispanics own more charcoal grills than non-Hispanics: 76% compared to 50%

This according to the Hispanic GrillWatch Survey, commissioned by Weber, the same company that a few weeks ago launched a Hispanic grilling contest calling on participants to demonstrate their “patriotic spirit and passion for grilling” by entering the “Únete a la Onda Latina. ¡a Weber!” grilling contest.

Complementing the contest -and now the research- the company is giving Hispanics some grilling advice: “Remember that whether its seared steaks, roasted vegetables, smoked fish, barbecue ribs, pizzas or even caramelized fruits – it can all be cooked over charcoal.” (You never know with these people… they might be tempted to throw on a few bits of chicharrón, tripas, sesos or other disgusting delicacies we love to eat).

Talk about ads that speak for themselves. This print campaign was assigned by Marie Stopes, a British NGO, warning Brits about the dangers of unprotected sex. What’s more embarrassing -his hat or what he might give you? asks the copy showing, what else?, a guy wearing a big Mexican hat (similar to that of my friend Pedro, from Pedroland)

According to Mexico’s press reports, the NGO has apologized to the Mexican government, saying it was not its intention to single out Mexicans as purveyors of deadly diseases, and that the posters were distributed through several British clinics years ago.

OK, but what about the hat? can someone tell the Brits that –even though we ALL wear these things on our heads– we don’t actually write the word MEXICO on them… How ignorant is that?

If you ever take the I-95 road going North from South Carolina you will hit South of the Border, a tourist attraction featuring all kinds of fun and entertainment “Mexican-style” para toda la familia. The place includes a dedicated amusement park, Pedroland, named after the site’s “lovable mascot:” a sleepy Mexican called, what else? Pedro. Visitors are greeted by a gigantic sombrero-clad character (Pedro?) who stands guard outside a gift shop, while cars roll between its legs.

Described by its owners as “a unique amalgam of Dixie and Old Mexico” South of the Border offers visitors the added benefit that “its inhabitants speak English and its water is safe to drink.” The tacky tourism oasis employs around 750 people, all of whom are dubbed “pedros,” and features sombrero-shaped restaurants and a mini-golf course aptly called El Golfo de Mexico.

Although one might appreciate the effort by the park’s creator –the late Alan Schafer– its management could use some help from the real Mexicans quickly populating the South to polish the Spanish on its Web site. See? you cannot say “Coméis con Pedro” to pitch the park’s restaurants; nor say “Compramos!” to promote shops, in which you are actually “vendiendo” not “comprando” anything. Hotels and camping sites are for sleeping, not for “siesta aquí.”

And don’t get me started on the sleepy Mexican featured on the “Contact Pedro” page. How on earth is he supposed to answer our emails when he’s always sleeping it off?

People who like to stereotype Latinos think we only watch telenovelas and crappy reality-show television, and that when it comes to literature, if its not People en Español or TV y Novelas, you can forget about us.

But now, for all of us who are into literature comes Thalia: Belleza! Lessons in Lipgloss and Happiness, a book presumably written by the former Timbiriche member and current wife of Tommy Mottola (does she have any other credentials?). Publishing house Chronicle Books said it will publish two editions, one in English and one in Spanish, and will support the launch with a major marketing campaign featuring the currently pregnant beauty.

The book’s beauty tips include how to make the most out of Latinas’ “natural skin condition” –whatever that means– and is coming soon to a bookstore near you for “only” $19.95.

I just hope Chronicle hired a good editor to work on Ms. Thalia’s writing. Last time I checked, he could not tell the difference between “prototype” and “logotype.”

In their quest for innovation, Hispanic marketers cannot seem to avoid using racist notions of color and looks. Soon after Kmart announced it was releasing a line of ethnic dolls, Brass Key Inc. has now come out with its own line of Quinceañera dolls, but these are not for rough playing but small porcelain collectibles designed to “let the littlest Latinas live out their Quinceañera fantasies.”

And despite all we’ve been saying about stereotypes and Hispanic-looking people, Brass Key is quick to point out that its Princesa Quinceañera line features “distinctly Hispanic facial features and hair styles.”

Maybe I’m missing something here but a) I stopped playing with dolls when I was about 12, and b) I still haven’t figure out what a distinctly Hispanic facial feature and hair style is. Can anybody help?

Now that minorities are the majority in lots of places and the U.S. Census keeps insisting Hispanic is a race, K-mart is hoping to undergo a multicultural make-over with a series of “ethnic-looking” dolls.

According to BusinessWeek, though black and Hispanic dolls have been around for a long time, the newer incarnations “try harder at authenticity, rather than simply tinting the hair and skin from “white” dolls.” (I wonder if this means they speak with an accent, eat funky food, and go out to protest against immigration laws.)

The new dolls, which will roll out in full next month, are supported by an advertising campaign in the store’s circulars and designed to appeal to black, Hispanic and Asian parents.

(In the photo: Amazing Allysen -Ethnic. $99.99, which according to the retailer’s Web site, can interact with girls through a system of voice recognition)

Judging from this picture (out this month in Conde Nast’s special Fashion Rocks edition, which arrived with my monthly subscription of Vanity Fair) El Cantante and la esposa de El Cantante not only look tired and bored out of their minds, they even look a bit high.

My fellow bloggers at irreverent Guanabee.com even opened up a contest today inviting users to submit captions for the photo (above). I have not yet seen the responses, but here’s mine:

“Was that movie long or what?”