Texas Man Seeks Faithful Latina. Reward: $5 Million

How much would you offer a Colombian young, beautiful woman in exchange for fidelity?

Well, a 76-year-old Texan man is putting down $5 million on the table for “a young woman, with three or more small children, if she is faithful until my death.”

The unusual ad was placed in the Sunday edition of El País, a daily in Cali, Colombia, a city known -among other things- for its beautiful women (though we’re not sure about their faithfulness, yet). Oh, and you have to be 1.60 meters, at least.

Here is, verbatim, the old man’s wishful ad:

“Hombre americano de 76 años busca una joven mujer de 1,60 de estatura o más alta, con tres o más niños pequeños, que quiera casarse y estar bien ella y sus hijos. Si me es sincera le puedo asegurar 5 millones de dólares después de mi muerte.”

The ad then includes a phone number in Houston, Texas, where you can even call collect!

Damn! I’m no Colombian beauty, nor I have two or three young children, but for $5 million I’d get a face-lift and find myself a couple of kids somewhere. Only problem will be the fidelity thing, but I’ll think of something.

Mexican-Speaking Mexicans Not Wanted Here

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Apparently, some Mexicans around Seattle’s Lewis County are really pissed at the above sign, property of a fellow called Mike Hamilton, who has used this very billboard to make all kinds of statements in the past. The sign, which is located along Interstate 5 at Exit 72, has taken issue against Clinton, Gore, sex, gays, taxes, etc. (You get the picture).

Quite frankly, I’m not so much offended by the sign as by the distortion of a joke that originated in Mexico and that we, Mexicans, find quite funny… What really cracked me up though was a video posted by the Hamilton Chronicle in which a local citizen, Mrs. Margaret Shields, 86, makes her point about immigration very, very clear:

“If they want to come here, they have to learn English… if we were to go to Mexico, we will have to learn Mexican….”

Oh dear…

Making Martínez a Chart Topper


Little did people notice a recent New York Times story showing that 2 Hispanic surnames are now, and for the first time, among the top 10 most common names in the nation:

Smith remains the most common surname in the United States, according to a new analysis released yesterday by the Census Bureau. But for the first time, two Hispanic surnames — Garcia and Rodriguez — are among the top 10 most common in the nation…

I’m certainly happy for the Garcías and Rodriguezes, but I tell you, I couldn’t be more thrilled myself: according to the very same data, Martínez “nearly edged out Wilson for 10th place!”

Man, this is some challenge! so starting today I am launching my own campaign aimed at making us, Martínez, to the Top 5 beating if not the Garcías or the Rodríguez, at least the Smiths, Andersons and Taylors. As we say in my country, ¡Sí se puede, sí se puede!

Bored Out of His Mind, Staten Island Entrepreneur Discovers Frida Kahlo

Claiming to have “captured” the essence and spirit of Mexican painter Frida Kahlo, Naturals Skin Care this week launched a line of Frida-themed skin care products, “aptly” labeled Pasión por la Vida (Passion for life.. ha!)
The whole thing is the creation of Antonio Sciortino, a Venezuela-born entrepreneur who, apparently, got so bored in Staten Island that he decided to launch the Omega-3-based line of creams and lotions.

As Frida herself would say (in the world according to Julie Taymor): Wonderful Enchiladas, Diego!

Domino’s New Pizza is Really a Quesadilla in Disguise

It’s amazing what you can learn from reading the newspapers online. Take the Houston Chronicle, which this week did a sort of “food review” on the new Crispy Melt Pizza from Domino’s Pizza. In it, Houston Chronicle writer Ken Hoffman presents readers the following, puzzling question:

Is the Crispy Melt Pizza really a pizza? Or is it merely a cleverly disguised Mexican quesadilla with some pizza trappings?

After tasting the 340-calories-per-slice creation, Hoffman safely establishes that though the Crispy Melt is shaped like a pizza and has some tomato sauce floating in there, “its taste, texture and grab-ability of a Mexican quesadilla.”

Go figure.

What to do With Malnourished Kids? Give ’em Coffee!

Just when I thought I had seen it all…. It turns out that a Houston-based company called Voyava has teamed with a Mexican cooperative to fortify coffee with folic acid and other stuff to give to the children of Chiapas, the country’s poorest state. ¿The idea? to give them nutrients that otherwise they won’t get ’cause they’re too damn poor to eat anything else.

Thankfully, some Mexican officials are hesitating about the plan, saying they don’t believe elementary school kids should be drinking coffee (duh!), fortified or otherwise. (This despite the fact that a 3-year-old this week told the Associated Press “I do like coffee!”)

Besides, I’m not sure I trust these people: Voyava Republic founder Michael Sweeney is an electrochemist, and he is credited with developing a technique to fortify coffee with iron and folic acid. Can they at least put some milk in the damn thing?

Photo: Sylvia Romo

No License for You!

As you must know by now, Eliot Spitzer has given up on his plan to grant a driver’s license to anyone who can show a passport.

In an interview today with the New York Times, the governor says the plan -that was expected to apply to about 150,000 undocumented workers- faced so much controversy and opposition that it would have been impossible to move forward.

I think that sucks, because as my friend said recently, the idea was simply brilliant! “Imagine that! every time we get caught and deported, we would be able to drive ourselves back to Mexico!”

Photo: Reuters

Latinas are not Only Hot; They’re Also Smart

Finally! Science confirms what we Latinos have known for centuries: Curvy women are not only hot, but smarter, wittier and give birth to very intelligent children.

At least that seems to be the conclusion of a series of tests done by the University of Pittsburgh and the University of California, Santa Barbara among 16,000 women and girls and published this week in the science journals

The study found that women with large hips and small waists are more intelligent than those with either “apple-shaped” or linear bodies.

With that, Latinas of the world, Rejoice!

Canadians Get Real Bored in Mexico

Extra! Extra! After a long, harrowing process, the town of Chapala (in Jalisco) will not become the twin city of Edmonton, Canada. The news, which broke today, came as a blow to Canadian citizen Peter Kertesz, who since retiring to Chapala a year ago had been campaigning to get his new home town twinned with Alberta’s capital.

Councilor Ron Hayter of Edmonton yesterday concluded Chapala (pop. 19,000) “is a much smaller community than we are,” thus “the focus of the twinning relationship hasn’t been well established.”

Poor Mr. Kertesz. I wonder what will occupy his time now.

Have a wonderful, fun-filled weekend (even if you’re not in Chapala).

Photo: Jupiter Images

A Culture Clash in Scotland? I don’t Think So!

Question: What does a 36-year-old Mexican waiter do in the streets of Edinburgh during his spare time?

Answer: Fondle women … of course!

According to the BBC, Marco Lozano, a Mexican waiter at the local “Pancho Villa” eaterie, confessed to having grabbed the buttocks of “up to 12” women as they walked the streets of Edinburgh, simply because –as he told the police– he considers European women to be more beautiful than those in his native Mexico.

Quite frankly, I couldn’t care less about this creep’s female preferences, but he had the guts to try to get out of the mess by playing the “culture-clash” card:

“That’s what we do in Mexico. It was a cultural difference.”

I don’t think so Mr. Lozano!

(He will spend one year in jail in case you’re wondering)

Peru, Venezuela… They’re All the Same to Dick

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With TV writers still out on the picket lines, comedy show producers have only to turn to the real world to come up with some hilarious stuff to entertain us. Take Dick Cheney’s latest comments over the weekend, when asked about Hugo Chávez’ influence on the Americas: (Taken from a White House transcript)

“He’s a — obviously an individual with his own agenda, and he spends a great deal of his time worrying about us and criticizing the United States. My own personal view is that he does not represent the future of Latin America, and the people of Peru I think deserve better in their leadership.”

I tell you. I don’t know about Cheney’s agenda, but he might want to squeeze a few geography and politics quick lessons here and there.

As for Chávez, he mocked Cheney saying it shows the United States is governed by a “bunch of ignorant fools.”

Ay dios!

Learning Spanish is Oh-So Easy!

Almost two years after I first found Unforgettable Languages, a company that pitches the “linkword” method to learning languages, I stopped by this morning to check in with them and realized the company is not only still around, but has added some new features and languages to its roster.

The method, say its creators, is simple; and it applies to any language you can imagine. Just see below:

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….more

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and more…

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And just in case Spanish is not your cup of tea, you might want to check out other options.

The Russian for JUICE is SOK
Imagine drinking JUICE out of a SOCK